The tax payer-funded investigation released it's findings on Wednesday evening after Prime Minister's Questions to avoid accusations of political bias in the timing of the release. Mr Starmer's constituency office, his house and his Mondeo were immediately targeted by protesters demanding a response from a man considered a 'prime minister in waiting'. The Labour leader, who's held the position since 2020, was quickly escorted, along with his family, to a safe house located in the village of Langwathby in Cumbria, next to the chicken processing factory.
Justice Secretary Demonic Wrath has called the allegations 'putrid and sadistic', and 'beyond the realms of any decent person's wildest imagination'. Culture secretary and former I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here! contestant Nadine Dorries described hearing the news as 'like being hit by nunchuks in a darkened crypt'.
Prime minister Boris Johnson, currently in Rwanda for the Commonwealth Heads of Government meeting, announced in a press conference his intention to enforce a long-overdue police crackdown on Arsenal fans. Home secretary Priti Patel, currently in Transylvania on a confidential trip, was optimistic about a new law being passed within days. All 650 Members of Parliament have publicly announced they'll vote for the new laws to pass, even reformed Arsenal fan and former Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn, who critics believe is just trying to make peace with God and repent his past sins as an Arsenal supporter.
Mr Starmer's statement, which was communicated via motion capture by the actor Andy Serkis outside the Old Bailey, reads:
"These allegations are blatantly untrue and clearly politically-motivated. I have never, and will never support Arsenal Football Club, and have never associated with anyone who does. I intend to fight these allegations in the only way I know how, cautiously, meticulously and with contained, blandly-delivered oratory."
Following Mr Starmer's statement, the Guardian released photographs of the Labour leader in an Arsenal shirt, along with past quotes referencing his love of Arsenal. A spokesperson for Mr Starmer doubted the authenticity of the photos and claimed Mr Starmer was joking when he made those comments.
"Those comments were clearly intended as a joke. This is a terrifying indictment of the failing standards of British comedy of the last 30 years. Our national sense of humour has seemingly been dumbed down to such a degree that Mrs. Brown's Boys is now a sitcom considered a national institution. Whatever happened to Monty Python, Not the Nine O' Clock News, The Frost Report, Beyond the Fringe, The Day Today, Brass Eye, A Bit of Fry and Laurie, Bruiser, Smack the Pony, The Fast Show, Big Train, Ruddy Hell! It's Harry and Paul, Alas Smith and Jones, The Armando Iannucci Show, French and Saunders, The Smell of Reeves and Mortimer, The Armstrong & Miller Show, The Mighty Boosh, Not Only... But Also, This Morning With Richard, Not Judy and Fist of Fun?"
Arsenal Football Club, when asked for comment, welcomed the news and called Keir Starmer 'a shining, glistening light in these dark times of cancel culture and political correctness'. Manager Mikel Arteta reportedly rang Mr Starmer to offer his support. GCHQ are alleged to have been listening into the call, which was leaked to the Daily Star earlier today. The transcript of the call reads:
Mikel Arteta (MA): Comrade Starmer! Ah, my friend, I congratulate you on your balls.
Keir Starmer (KS): My balls?
MA: Yes, comrade! Your balls, your big, big balls. Your big, brave guts to speak out and give us your support!
KS: Oh, yes, of course, yes, thank you, Mr Arteta, to be frank with you, it wasn't meant to come out this way.
MA: How do you mean, comrade?
KS: Well, it was meant to be secret, I hoped for it to remain that way for at least 120 years, or at least until society is more tolerant and accepting, and this is no longer seen as such a stigma.
MA: Stigma? No, no, my friend, you are a lion! You have done something which will ripple down the generations, see? Because of you, children all over the world will not have to live in fear of being shunned for their footballing affiliations. No longer will men be put in stocks, no longer will women have to fear the scold's bridal. No longer will Piers Morgan have to repress his mediocre white male rage and live in shame for supporting our club. Because of you, my friend, Piers Morgan will experience a long and protracted emotional ejaculation the likes of which have never been experienced before. And for that, I thank you.
KS: Well, goodness, thank you, Mikel. I, I didn't consider the consequences of what my speaking out could achieve. I guess I was so hung up on presenting myself as an electorally-viable, centrist, milque-toast, dull-as-dishwater alternative to the chaos of the Johnson government, I didn't realise telling the truth and being myself could have such far-reaching consequences.
MA: It's alright, comrade, I know the pressures of being a leader. Every day I have The Queen in my ear, suggesting I give Eddie Nketiah a chance to lead the front line, or bring William Saliba back from his loan spell at Marseille to strengthen our defence, it's insufferable. One cannot always be a people-pleaser, but one must persist, one must fight on and never surrender. Never! Never! Never!
KS: The Queen? The Queen is an Arsenal fan?
MA: Oh yes! The biggest. Imagine if that came out, comrade? It'd be anarchy in the streets.
KS: Christ above.
MA: Anyway, comrade, I need to resume contract talks with Gabriel Jesus, he wants us to insert a clause where he's allowed free trips to the British Museum and the V&A. We're trying to tell him they're free of charge, but he's so stubborn.
KS: Okay, Mr Arteta, listen, thank you so much for your call, you are a beacon of strength for us Arsenal supporters, a warrior, you go girl!
(Hangs up)
The news that the Queen is also an Arsenal fan was quickly drowned out by a slew of gaudy, sensationalist headlines about Meghan, Duchess of Sussex like "MEGHAN IS BAD! MEGHAN IS BAD! DON'T PAY ATTENTION TO THE RECENT NEWS THAT THE QUEEN IS A DIRTY, ROTTEN ARSENAL FAN! MEGHAN IS BAD, MEGHAN IS BAD. SHE KILLS KITTENS! MEGHAN IS BAD!"
the Labour Party have announced a leadership contest is imminent. Shadow Health Secretary and Wetherspoons barman who always IDs regulars Wes Streeting is considered the front-runner.
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