As the official News, News, News, News royal correspondent, a role i've undertook since the departure of Hortensia Napkin-Breeding in 2015, one of my many duties has been to prepare for this very week. I say 'undertook', 'inhabited' may be a more appropriate word, I've been afflicted with many a sleepless night during these past seven years lying awake thinking about the enormity of this task. I even missed the pandemic, flew right past me, In fact on March 23rd 2020, the day the United Kingdom entered it's first lockdown, I was immersed in a tense interaction over Skype with a Thai gentleman who claimed to know what cutlery the Duchess of Cornwall prefers. Such royal tidbits are like caviar and small wheat crackers to a monarchy buff like me, I seek them out like a shark-moth mutant seeks out an underwater light-bulb stained with the blood of a careless swimmer.
Her Majesty The Queen, our national figurehead, our conscience, the jewel of England and all the other nations, will be celebrating 70 years on the throne, or to put it another way, 70 years since she heard her Dad died whilst she sat in a Kenyan tree house.
This is a very brief summary of the activities going on this weekend, so, fellow loyal subjects, strap on!
Lucy Worsley Royal Cosplay Pageant, Hyde Park, Saturday 4pm
This event is not, as one might initially think, an event where attendants dress as the delightful BBC host and curator of Historic Royal Palaces Lucy Worsley, though I, along with many other middle-class repressed dads, would attend such an event. No, this wonderful idea was conceived by Miss Worsley herself as a way of celebrating the fashion of the royals over these past 70 glorious years. Children and adults of all ages will be shown to a large fenced area with a large mound of genuine royal clothes lying within. Mirrors will surround the area and members of the public will hear a countdown, after which they must scour the enormous pile of clothes donated by the royals and attempt to find a matching costume. For example, one must not be content with Princess Margaret's stockings, Queen Mary of Teck's dress and Prince Michael of Kent's cuff-links. They must be matching pairs, matching pairs, I say! Good lord, I hope this goes down without a hitch, we'd do well to avoid a Hunger Games-style cut-throat kerfuffle amidst all this bad press surrounding the royals.
80 members of the public at a time will be allowed in the fenced area.. they'll all be asked to strip to their bare essentials ready to jump in and find matching pairs of clothing. When a lucky member has found and clothed themselves with a matching pair, Lucy herself will inspect them, and if they're found to have won, they win the entire pile of the public's clothing.
Oh, darling Lucy, this is a wonderful idea, and I would love to swing-by, as they say, and witness all the fun, but I myself will be at another event.
Gyles Brandreth Teaches Naughty Men How to Talk Properly, Hampton Court Palace, Sunday 9pm
Oh, darling Gyles, what a splendid idea!
Taking place in the cellars of the gorgeous Hampton Court Palace after nightfall, broadcaster Gyles Brandreth will gather together a horde of illiterate and scruffy-looking petty criminals and teach them how to speak the Queen's English. He'll carry a birch cane to beat the sorry little reprobates into compliance, and, one hopes, will instill in them an unquenchable thirst for the English language. If any prisoner dare lash out or start sulking, Gyles will force them to eat a copy of his book 'Have You Eaten Grandma?'
The entire proceedings will be live-streamed to the YouTube and a live chat will be set up where users will, for a small donation, be able to suggest phrases, idioms, sayings or proverbs for the young vagabonds to get their tongue around. If the thick scumbags are unable to properly pronounce said phrase, idiom, saying or proverb, the user will be free to suggest a fitting punishment for Gyles to enforce.
I've spoken to dear Gyles and he is positively frothing at the mouth with excitement! I too look forward to seeing some low-life cokeheads learn some manners. I and a few VIP guests will be watching behind a three way mirror, slowly sipping our tea and raising our eyebrows at the linguistic primitiveness of these depraved young jailbirds.
Prince William Scalp Garden Challenge for Male Pattern Baldness, Chelsea, Saturday, 2pm
Alongside Wayne Rooney, Ralph Fiennes and Michael Fabricant, Prince William, Duke of Cambridge is the most prominent public figure who suffers from male pattern baldness. To raise money for 'Finding Your Roots' a Sussex-based charity, the Duke will host a gardening challenge in Chelsea whereby a contestant will frantically run round a giant flower bed meant to represent the Duke's scalp and attempt to plant synthetic flowers. He/she wins when the entire scalp is covered, sounds easy, right? Wrong! Their rival contestant will simultaneously be answering royalty-themed quiz questions from Ben Shephard, every question they get correct means two flowers are plucked from the ground, thus making the first contestants job that little bit harder.
It'll all be a great deal of rollicking fun and it's all done for such a good cause. The contest will be followed by an emotional plea by William, asking for donations. The Duke will also announce a new charity aimed at raising awareness of the plight of his son, Prince George, who may one day suffer the same fate as his father. The Philip Larkin poem 'This Be the Verse' will be recited by the young royal, opening with the immortal lines "They fuck you up, your Mum and Dad", alluding to his father's baldness.
SAS: Who Dares Sweat? With Emily Maitlis, Pizza Express, Woking, Sunday 2pm
In this highly-anticipated event, BBC Newsnight presenter Emily Maitlis will conduct one on one interviews with sex offenders, whose goal it is not to sweat under her intense questioning. Bradley Walsh will be under the offender with a large bucket counting the drops of sweat as they fall. If an offender makes it through the interview without sweating, he or she will win a meal with Prince Andrew in the winner's prison cell.
Now, i'm no sleuth, but I feel like this is a thinly-disguised ploy to get Prince Andrew into jail. They'll bring him to the winner's cell, cook a bitchin' lamb casserole, then just lock them both in as they eat and reminisce about their predatory heydays.
Maybe this is for the best, either way, somebody is going to be Maitlissed.
Enjoy Your Weekend!
I simply cannot wait for this marvelous jubilee weekend, i've waited years and can't believe it's finally happening. If any of you see me over the weekend, do say hello, i'm more than happy to pose for selfies or give you a hearty fisting-pump. Do be aware that I am woefully short-sighted, so if you see me from afar and you're waving frantically, I won't see you, dear. But I appreciate the sentiment.
I'VE JUST BEEN INFORMED THE PISSING JUBILEE WAS LAST WEEKEND. OH BUGGER, BUGGER, BUGGER. FLAMING CHRIST IN AN APPLE CRUMBLE, WHAT THE EFFING SHIT IS GOING ON? SEVEN YEARS! SEVEN YEARS I'VE PREPARED FOR THIS. OH, BUGGERATION NATION! WHY? WHY? WHY DIDN'T I WRITE IT ON MY CALENDAR? OH, PISSING SHRIMP CAKES! I CAN'T EFFING BELIEVE IT! OH, HORTENSIA' S GOING TO LOVE THIS, HER SUCCESSOR MISSES THE PLATINUM JUBILEE WHILE SHE'S WORKING FOR VOGUE MAGAZINE IN NEW YORK! I WANT TO WORK FOR VOGUE MAGAZINE IN NEW YORK. I'VE GOT LOTS TO SAY ABOUT FASHION! LOTS! I'VE SEEN LOADS OF CLOTHES IN MY LIFETIME. FUCKING HORTENSIA. OH, I CANNOT EFFING BELIEVE IT. IT'S TYPICAL. "GO WORK FOR NNNN, THEY NEED A ROYAL CORRESPONDENT, YOU'D BE GREAT!" OH, WHY DID I LISTEN TO ANDREW NEIL? THIS IS WORST THAN BEING SACKED FROM GB NEWS! AT LEAST THEY STILL HAVE THE BOTTOM OF THE BARREL, I'M UNDERNEATH THE PISSING BARREL, AND I'M BEING SQUASHED BY IT! HELP! HELP ME! OH GOODNESS GRACIOUS CHRIST ON A PRIT-STICK.
I will get through this, I will get through this, I will get through this. I guess in ten years time it'll be her Oak anniversary. 80 years on the throne. 106 year-old Elizabeth celebrates with England and just England since Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland will have gained independence. Imagine it. She comes out onto the balcony, sons, daughters, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, great great-grandchildren by her side, everyone will be so happy, so jubilant. It'll be simply wonderful, beautiful beyond compa...
NNNN would like to wish a speedy recovery to Lurpac after his very unfortunate car crash. He is still unconscious, yet stable and muttering about 'oaks'.
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