Poem of the Month: 'Don't Touch Him' by Shadow Poet Laureate Andrew Suction

As shadow poet laureate it's my mission to counter whatever the actual poet laureate writes with something even edgier. Simon Armitage is one hell of a poet, but I think you'll find I can do better. I lead the nation's poetic opposition. This month's poem reflects the state of anxiety we are currently living in. This new variant of COVID spreads far more easily, and there is a palpable sense of panic among the people of this country that they'll come into contact with the virus, giving it to their elderly and vulnerable loved ones. 

Back in Medieval times, citizens had the same fears, for them it was the black death. Certain groups of people became scapegoats, they thought God might be furious at them, children were left alone in houses to fend for themselves if they showed symptoms of the disease. It really was a clusterfuck of existential proportions. One of the most famous chroniclers of the black death was Giovanni Boccaccio, who wrote The Decameron, which follows several young women and men sheltering outside of Florence to escape the disease. 

The Decameron was also the title of Martin St. John Travers' book about the resignation of David Cameron. St. John Travers coined the word 'decameronization', meaning 'to let the school bullies set the school on fire then leave without acknowledging that you provided them with the gasoline and the map of the school and the chloroform to render the security guards unconscious and the getaway vehicle and the balaclavas and the swag bags'. The phrase is now common parlance. 

In these unprecedented times, poetry is more vital than ever. My poet chums and I will attempt to articulate, to the best of our ability, the roller-coaster of feeling we have all experienced in some way or another this year.  

My name is Andrew Suction.

I am a wordsmith

I sweat ink and bleed Typex

Let me indulge you:

Don't Touch Him

Look, Mummy! 

There's someone outside.

What does he want?

Don't you go near him

Do not touch him

Do not smile at him

Do not acknowledge him

Do not answer his questions, sign his parcels

Do not give him the time of day

Do not charm him, indulge him, converse with him

Do not invite him into our home

Do not wave at him in his car, or holler at him across the street

Do not speak to him at morning prayers

Do not pass him condiments when we feast together after Evensong

Do not make eye contact with him in the sauna

Do not sit where he sat, stand where he stood, walk where he walked, breathe where he breathed, think where he thought, shit where he shat.

Erase him from your memory

he is the enemy

he is the untouchable

do not even lay eyes on him

Nay, not even your thoughts.

Block the very essence of him out of your minds

He is only trouble now

We must be strong

We must be together

We must be stubborn

We must be together

We must be rigorous

We must be together

We must be brutal

We must not let go.

We must purge him from our lives

And yet

No

He is like us

He needs bread and friends

He is neglected

He is troubled

He is in need of sanctuary

He is dying in front of us

He is weary and decrepit

He is old and withered

He needs water

He needs shelter

He needs us.

I know not what to do

We must clean

Clean the surfaces

Clean the doorknob

Clean the doorbell

Clean the cupboard and the sinks and the taps

Clean the clocks

Clean the telephone

Clean the dog with his juicy bone

Clean the pianos

Clean the coffin

He is dead

Do not touch him, children!

Hear my words

He is a poison

He is from the gutters

He is a nowhere man, a solitary man, a wretched man, a leprous man, a cretinous, devilish, pittance of a man.

Oh, what am I saying? That's not your father, that's your uncle Nigel! Let him in, children! 

-Andrew Suction

Worldwide David Bowie Tribute Goes Horribly Wrong

Scientists have warned that it might be 'at least 2 months' before air travel is allowed to continue after millions of David Bowie fans worldwide paid tribute by firing their Grandparent's ashes into space. The ashes failed to leave the Earth's atmosphere and have created a thick cloud in the ozone layer, shrouding half the planet in near darkness. 

The event, which News, News, News, News journalist Muriel Sticks predicted in her 'crystal ball' column, has sparked outrage in the international community and has caused widespread economic chaos. 

When asked if she might have provoked this, Sticks told NNNN, "No, i'm a journalist. We just write what we see, it's basically objective truth.We can't influence people's opinions, stupid". 

David Bowie died after a long battle with cancer on 10th January 2016, aged 69. His death sent shock waves through the music industry, leaving millions of fans distraught.

"I think most people remember where they were when Bowie died" thought Sticks, "I was in a revolving door, heavily drunk. I looked down at my phone and checked the news, first I saw that Nasdaq was up, whatever the fuck that means. Then I saw an article by Laura Kuenssberg predicting that Remain will win in a landslide in the referendum, then I scrolled down and saw a picture of  Bowie as Ziggy Stardust. He'd just released an album, Blackstar, so I thought it'd just be an interview or something. My heart dropped when I saw he had died. I fell to the ground and sobbed uncontrollably and curled up in a fetal position, almost paralyzed with grief. The revolving doors gently coaxed my prone, vulnerable body into rolling over, being carried round and round as the doors kept turning and turning. Round and round I went, creating a circular trail of tears and mucus on the floor of the revolving door mechanism, and a considerably dangerous slipping hazard. Round and round I went, beaten, bruised, broken, battered, without hope, utterly inconsolable. My phone was crushed to pieces, obliterated by the never-ending, heartless machine where I now lived. Endless rotation, endless, frenetic, turning, never stopping, incessant turning, never motionless, always running and running and running and turning and running and turning and turning and running. The doors silently carrying my stagnant body around like an ocean carries a pile of dead seagulls trapped in Sainsbury's bags on the crest of a wave. An endless cycle of turning and sobbing, turning and roaring, turning and howling from the deepest recesses of my bottomless, burning soulscape." 

NNNN would like to assure it's readers that we sent Muriel some flowers and a box of Cadbury's Milktray after this harrowing mental breakdown.

We'd also like to inform our readers that we here at NNNN haven't even a basic grasp of physics, geography, climate science, astronomy, meteorology, or any scientific discipline needed to fully analyse a situation where Human ashes have formed thick, dense clouds in our ozone layer as a result of over-zealous fans collectively propelling their familial bonds into space as a tribute to a music icon. As a publication, we pride ourselves on transparency and self-deprecation which disguises a genuine lack of academic rigour and self-esteem. 

Bowie wrote several songs with a discernible space theme, the most famous few being 'Space Oddity', 'Life on Mars' & 'Starman'. "When I picture Bowie, I think of him in space" Sticks told us (after she recovered from that traumatic episode), "I think certain artists are out of this world, they're merely human beings in reality, but what they create through their work is an allure which illuminates them, making us regard them as more than human. their work not only moves us, it can also help us make sense of the world, if only for a few minutes at least. It makes us feel less alone. I think we seek out things which make us feel this way, and when that artist passes away, it can feel like a sort of cosmic grief, like something binding and constant in the universe and in your own life has just disappeared". 

Sticks had read about the planned tribute on a David Bowie Facebook group last October. "I didn't think they'd actually go through with it. Wasn't there also millions of people who were going to storm Area 51? The online world really is hugely disconnected from the real world, now more than ever. So I was shocked when it actually happened. I only wrote about it in my column as a joke." 

Said Facebook group was named 'Bowie blast off' and was created by Zoe Bowie, who legally changed her name after her icon died. "People think I changed my surname to Bowie, but alas, it was my first name, I wanted it to rhyme with Bowie, I used to be called Gladys" explained Bowie, 56, "Bowie is my married name, I deliberately set out to find a husband with that surname, for many years I thought it was hopeless, but then Frank came along. Granted, he works in a tip, is very controlling and is a horrible racist, but it's the surname that matters".

Bowie's group very quickly amassed over 50,000 followers within a month, then 100,000 after two months. "When we reached 500,000, I knew I wanted to actually do this. I asked Frank whether I could be let out on January 10th, and he said yes, so I started planning!"

Bowie considered the logistics of firing one's grandparent's ashes into space. She conversed with people in her group, who arrived at the decision to build large intercontinental mortars, able to fire the ashes past the atmosphere. "Several people on the group were keen engineers, so they really chipped in and helped with that side of things. I had no reason to disbelieve them, they sounded genuine". 

Another problem Bowie and the group faced was not having dead grandparents, therefore not having dead grandparent ashes. "That was a particularly big obstacle for us" explained Bowie, "but let's just say, it was solved after a bit of 'out of the box' thinking". Bowie then winked at our NNNN journalist interviewing her over Zoom. NNNN would like to make clear that we have no idea what Bowie and her associates did to attain the ashes, therefore we are not liable for prosecution. 

So with the mortars and the ashes in place, all that was needed was a long wait til January 10th, the date of the launch. "The wait was agonizing" Bowie told us, "everything that was going on in the world, the pandemic, the US election, Barbara Windsor dying, all that took a backseat. I couldn't wait til January 10th. It was a mixture of fear and excitement, and hemorrhoids."

When the 10th finally came around, Bowie feared some in her group, who were scattered all around the world, would get cold feet. "We couldn't really discern which members would follow through or not. I started to divide people into 'drys' and 'wets'. One of my closest allies in the group, Geoffrey Whye, left the group at a very late stage, which was largely seen as triggering my downfall. But it didn't happen."

Bowie set the launch date at 10:00am (BST), which confused many of her international members. "The launches didn't happen all at once, which might have contributed to this kerfuffle we now find ourselves in". Physicist Neil Degrasse Tyson disputes whether the delays and miscalculations were the cause of the ashes clogging up the ozone layer, "We would've seen the exact same thing happen even if they all fired in unison. I cannot stress this enough, do not fire your grandparent's ashes into space, you stupid, narcissistic idiots." 

Bowie thinks the environmental problem she helped create will soon dissipate. "Scientists would have you believe that the Earth will stay shrouded in darkness for over 6 months, but that's just not true. They're only saying that to drive up revenue for the torch and lantern industries. We know we've caused quite a panic, but at least it's for a good cause. And try telling me your grandparents wouldn't want to rain down on us from above and, stop air travel, cause toxic smog etc". 

Although frustrated at the environmental panic the launch has provoked, Sticks thinks the Earth being shrouded in near darkness is a fitting metaphor for such an occasion, "If you think about it, the World has pretty much been shrouded in darkness since David Bowie died, at least that's how I feel. 2016 felt like something was ending. And usually endings mean new beginnings, but in this case it was the beginning to something fascist and shit. I'm kind of glad David wasn't around to see it all, but I miss him, we all do. The Earth is dark without him anyway, and will be dark long after the ashes of our dearly departed grandparents have fell to the ground and have rendered crops dead, polluted the oceans, destroyed global infrastructure and contaminated our drinking water."

Scientists claim the destruction this tribute has caused will spell the end for humankind. "We've got five years, that's all we've got". 

Jon Ossoff Anointed 'Most Likely to be a Future Hunk President', Leap-Frogging a Vengeful Pete Buttigieg

One teenage Democratic voter claims Ossoff has stolen her heart from Shawn Mendes. "Shawn is a fugly man-squirt poopyface now, I want Jon! I would kill for Jon!"

The incoming Senator from Georgia, Jon Ossoff, who defeated incumbent Republican senator David Perdue in the January 6th Senate run-off election, has been anointed as the 'most likely white, tall, handsome, well-spoken, young Democrat hunk to be future US president'. The role, previously held by former South Bend, Indiana mayor and 2020 presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg, is highly coveted among the elites of the Democratic Party. 

President-elect Joe Biden once held the role in the early 1980s, it had previously been held by such bright sparks as Beto O' Rourke, Eric Swalwell, John Edwards, Bill Clinton, the three Kennedy brothers & probably Franklin Delano Roosevelt.

Democratic Party spokesman and social media guru Janie C. Shaypz explained to NNNN why the American people find tall, handsome, white politicians so appealing. "It's an appeal that goes back to every American's teenage years. When someone like Ossoff comes along, girls will want to sleep with him, guys will want to be him. And the fact that he's white will have some cross-over appeal to the Republican Party, it's a win win!". Asked why politicians like Barack Obama and Cory Booker don't fit into this equation, Shaypz replied, "Well, both Barack and Cory are, of course, massive hunks, but in the US we need to reel in voters from across the political spectrum, from the non-racists to the white supremacists. We feel that the US is in such a divisive state in 2021 as opposed to 2008 when Obama managed to get himself elected. We now need to field a white hunk to appeal to Breitbartian America". 

Political figures on the left of the Democratic Party have questioned this strategy. Political pundit Cenk Uygur has called it 'bullshit'. "The elite, corporate Democrats are now claiming they need to field white hunks in order to win votes from Republicans, this is total bullshit! Their worldview is completely binary and lacking in nuance. Yeah, a huge portion of Republicans are racist and have this disgusting ideology, but the voters we actually need to win literally just care about whether the candidate can protect their jobs, their healthcare, their social security. You win elections on economic populism, not whether the candidate is someone one would like to teabag in the Oval Office! It's not rocket science!"

In response to Uygur's argument, Shaypz told us, "actually we did studies that show suburban men and women react more favourably to candidates who they want to bang, or want to imitate. The issues don't really matter, leave them to the nerds on the left of the party!"

Whatever the truth may be, NNNN has received reports that Pete Buttigieg refuses to concede defeat to Ossoff and is planning to wield "fire and fury, the likes of which the world has never seen" upon Ossoff. Alejandro Hitchens camped outside Buttigieg's home and listened to several conversations the former major had with former hunk Bill Clinton. Hitchens claimed to have heard Clinton say "You know Pete, I was an up and coming hunk and I fulfilled those early predictions and became president, and you know how I did that? I became a bloodthirsty son' (sic) bitch, Pete, a bloodthirsty son of a gun. I hunted down my handsome enemies and disfigured those son' (sic) bitches. And ya' (sic) know I couldn't have done it without Hillary. Hillary had an unquenchable taste for violence that made me love her more and more each day. You know she castrated me after the whole Monica Lewinsky thing? Yeah, that lil' (sic) detail never came out".

Buttigieg was previously considered a future presidential candidate before Ossoff burst onto the scene. As Thomas Paine once said, "Being usurped can do terrible things to a man. The path to evil is clearer for handsome folk". 

Hitchens, who received pneumonia after listening to Clinton and Buttigieg speak for seven hours in the freezing cold, told NNNN that the conversations shocked him to his core. "I got the sense that Buttigieg was hugely motivated by Clinton's stories. After about an hour of listening to Clinton talk about mutilating his enemies, Pete's eyes were gleaming like a killer. I wouldn't be surprised if he went on some kind of killing spree."

Future prospective Democratic presidential candidates who fit this profile have been put on red alert. Posters of Buttigieg's face have been plastered in bars all over the US to warn any ambitious studs against running for office. Ossoff's campaign was asked for comment, but NNNN received no reply, only an automated message reading "Senator-elect Ossoff is confident he is the handsomest under-40 hunk in the party. He is confident he can swoon his way to the presidency,". 

Buttigieg, who has just been nominated by Joe Biden to serve as Secretary of Transportation in his administration, is reportedly planning to destroy all of Georgia's transport networks within 4 years, making it impossible for Ossoff to leave the state. Hitchens claims Buttigieg plans to create massive craters around Georgia's borders, as well as enclosing it in a massive dome, an idea inspired by Buttigieg's favourite film 'The Simpsons Movie' (2007). "Don't be surprised if Georgians will be getting around via horse & carriage by 2025. Don't be surprised if Buttigieg deprives Georgia of horses and carriages for fuck's sake! He's a wily, scheming, Machiavellian operator. I wouldn't be surprised if he enforces a federal ban on Sedan chairs, just to deprive Jon Ossoff the opportunity to travel to and from Georgia.  

Horoscopes With Keith Brown (From the Theatre Desk)

The editor let me pick my own images to accompany this article. He told me to pick ones that I thought were 'appropriate'. Well fuck that, this is the Gielgud Theatre on Shaftesbury Avenue. The theatre was home to a legendary cat named Beerbohm, who used to live in the theatre and wander across the stage and attack actor's props. He also apparently had a girlfriend in the Lyric Theatre. Isn't that bloody marvelous? 

In case you haven't heard, i'm doing the horoscopes this month. News, News, News, News is experiencing an unprecedented staff shortage. Weirdly enough, the shortage has nothing to do with the pandemic. Nearly all of our journalists, Eileen Kirkup, Alejandro Hitchens, Muriel Sticks & A. A. Gill Jr. included, were having lunch in YO! Sushi (that's what our shithouse editor considers a Christmas work lunch), and came down with severe food poisoning. And just to be clear, NNNN isn't attacking or even criticizing YO! Sushi and their unscrupulous hygiene practices. They're our longest serving sponsor, and have supported us through thick and thin, including back in 2018 when we influenced that election in Bhutan and in 2009 when our former resident health writer, Dr. Mehmet Stoppard, advocated the use of blood-letting via leeches to cure apathy.

I should also make it clear that I know absolutely nothing about horoscopes. My expertise is in theatre, dramaturgy, ballet & 19th century erotic literature. But, for some reason, I was deemed qualified to fill in for Charlotte Anne de Quaque, the usual writer of this column. I hope my passivity, my lack of interest, my ignorance, my snobbishness and my hostility towards everyone who receives wisdom and clarity from this column doesn't deter you from receiving wisdom and clarity from this column. Let's get this fucking shit over with:

Aries

This is the Harold Pinter Theatre on Panton Street. Formerly the 'Comedy Theatre', like the Gielgud it was renamed for an icon of 20th century theatre, Harold Pinter.

You'll feel at some points this month like you're being handled by a higher power like a puppet via invisible marionette strings. The higher power will have severe arthritis and this will prove cumbersome to deal with. But don't let this get you down. Steer into the skid, so to speak. Let yourself be dragged to and fro in an uncoordinated mess. The onus is on you to find patterns in the hubbub this submission has created. When you've reached some clarity as to what those patterns are, use it wisely. It's important to carve out a path for yourself and the transition between the old you and the new you will not be without considerable challenges, but you will eventually be rewarded in abundance.

Taurus

Yes, I've been to theatres outside of London!.... granted the RSC isn't the fringiest of theatres, but it holds a very special place in this writer's heart. I was once punched by Trevor Nunn for giving his production of Pericles a poor review. Granted, I had posted the review an hour before I saw the production, but I think that was uncalled for. 

Oh, you are in for a treat this month, you Tauruses, or Taurei, whatever you're called. Something really cool will happen to you, I can feel it. Be vigilant though. Avoid people at all costs and build up a supply of food to last at least 8 months. If anyone attempts to call/message you, reply quickly and make your rugged intensity known to them. You'll be having some pretty fucked up nightmares around mid-January, but they are merely the calm before the storm. The waves of feeling you'll experience after these nightmares will be close to euphoric. I wish I was a Taurus. Strap yourself in for a wild, wild ride, my brothers and sisters. Don't de-ice your cars or anything stupid like that. The ice is there for a reason, it chose to set on your windshield. Let the moon dictate when you bathe. Follow these two rules and you'll be swimming in ecstasy.

Gemini

You're better off standing in the Globe Theatre, the benches will render your buttocks unconscious for weeks. Legend has it that Shakespeare did this on purpose out of concern for public health. He wanted people to stand up more. He also ran Zumba classes in Aldgate prison. He was what's now known in youthful circles as a 'fitness Karen'.

This will be a month of healing. I know a lot of you have been hurting these last few months, with unruly Mars and Darius the Satyr constantly creating cosmic obstacles for you, but there is a reason this has happened. We know what you did last summer. You chose not to abide by the psychic laws of the hyperkinetic universe. You really are a cunt. But, it's OK. Things are looking up. Just don't read newspapers, don't answer the door and above all, don't wash until the moon says it's OK. 

Cancer

Well, I personally love the National Theatre building. To hell with Prince Charles. Some say the foyer feels like an airport, but why shouldn't a theatre's foyer feel like an airport? In a way, you are waiting for a departure, a departure to Elsinore or a departure to a Run-down Russian estate. You are waiting to depart to foreign lands. Nowadays you even have to leave your bags in storage due to threats of terror. So it all fits.

OH MY LORD, YOU ARE A LUCKY BASTARD IF YOU ARE A CANCER!!

Seriously, why must I be a Sagittarius? We're going to have a shit time this month (but I'll get to that).

So Cancers, you will experience new bonds with past enemies. The solar energy emitted from these new found bonds will radiate throughout the universe and heal the cosmic wounds that form a chasm in the celestial spheres, creating a newfoundlove that ties up all the loose ends. It is highly likely you'll shag someone this month. I cannot stress this enough, the moon decides when you scrub yourself in the tub. 

Leo

Cornwall's Minack Theatre is divine. This writer made the absolute genius move of bringing a cushion, because again, your arse will feel like it's been spanked by Thanos after three hours of watching King Lear sitting on those stone steps. 

I'm bored already. I don't know what happens to Leos this month. You'll be mauled by a giant bear. There, happy now? 

Fine, the sun is telling me that you'll experience a period of intense calm this month. Whether you're a key worker, or are working at home, you'll embrace this serenity with open arms. Don't let no naysayer put you down, girlfriend. Embrace the calm above all else. Goats will play a significant role in your spiritual healing as well. So, look out for goats. Can I mention Lucifer? Or are Satanism and astrology not linked? I genuinely don't know. At this point I'm convinced people who believe in astrology are also possible Nazis. Nothing is off the table nowadays. All charlatanism is loosely connected in one giant dumb web. 

Virgo

Regent's Park Open Air Theatre, in Regent's Park (where else did you think it'd be? Damascus?) is another bewitching venue this writer has visited many times.

You'll spend this month intoxicated on cheap alcohol from Lidl. 

The universe is likely to spin twice as fast for you this month, my dear Virgos. Don't let this scare you. The gentleman operating it is high as a kite and means no harm. Remember, chemistry is the most important thing to consider when undertaking a new role in life. Always ask yourself, do I have chemistry with this person? Do I have chemistry with this new job? Make decisions based on chemistry, and the moon, don't bathe if the moon tells you not to, how many times do I need to tell you?!

Libra

The Royal Exchange Theatre, Manchester is still, funnily enough, also used as a commodities exchange. I saw Maxine Peake play Hamlet here. I sat in the front row and managed to collect some of her spit whilst she recited the 'O, what a rogue and peasant slave am I?' soliloquy. I attempted to exchange this commodity before realizing I had no idea how the financial world works. 

OK, this is a batshit crazy one. I hate to say this, but, you will die this month. I know, it sucks. You will trip on a toy fimble and fly down the stairs, cracking your head open. Blood will gush out and you'll be pronounced dead by paramedics within 20 minutes. 

But it's not all bad news. The celestial spheres will align themselves to form an alliance of kinetic souls. This is not to be bulked at. Cease the moment, Libras, turn those frowns upside downs. 

Don't let the moon dictate when you bathe this month. You'll only be bathing in your own blood anyway.

Scorpio

South Hill Park Arts Centre in Bracknell, Berkshire is a mighty fine institution. This writer saw a tremendous production of the Scottish play a few years ago, the actress who played the second witch caught my eye in particular. One for the future, methinks.  

More bad news for you Scorpios, i'm afraid. You will experience a sort of spiritual paralysis in January that will force you to begin several weird hobbies. Said hobbies will not be economically viable for you in the long term and the inability to fulfill these strange new interests will make you frustrated and full of nascent rage. The clouds will align and the lunar rays will penetrate your skin, so that's something. Venus is always with you, remember that. She's a fucking amazing lass she is. I wish I was a Scorpio. The things i'd do to that Venus. oooooh. Hubba hubba shuckseedoodle. I'm sorry, a lot of my readers are lapsed nuns, I shouldn't be engaging in such disgusting verbal mouthage. 

Don't be afraid to crack open a tub of Greek yogurt and pour it over yourself at your local tip whilst laughing maniacally. 

Sagittarius

The Old Vic, in Waterloo, London is one of the oldest, most beautiful theatres in the World. It was the original home of the National Theatre company from 1963 until the building on the Southbank opened in 1976. Sarah Siddons, an 18th century tragedienne, is said to haunt the theatre (because of course theatres have ghosts. The only ghosts this writer believes in are theatre ghosts, all other ghosts are shit).

So, as I said earlier, Sagittariuses are in for a shitty month. Perhaps the shittiest of all. 

Do I have to elaborate? Do you really want to know? Wouldn't you rather have a surprise? No? For fuck's sake. 

You'll stub your toe. 

Capricorn

Oh, the Theatre Royal, Haymarket. One of my favourites. Boy does this place have some ghosts. John Baldwin Buckstone, a manager of the theatre in the 19th century, has been spotted by Dame Judi Dench and Sir Patrick Stewart. I genuinely don't think Ms Dench is capable of lying, so you better believe it.

Oh, Capricorns have it great! Capricorns won't stub their toe. Capricorns are little angels. Capricorns are the teacher's pets of the universe. It sends down cosmic energy, mainly in the form of Wi-Fi, to you every day because you're such goody goodies. No, i'm not bitter, i'm just pissed off, and bitter, and twisted. I was almost a Capricorn. I would have lead a very different life if I were. I would have become a renowned stage actor. I would have played Hamlet, Lear, Holofernes in Love's Labours Lost. I could have been a contender, I could have been somebody, instead of a deadbeat theatre critic, which is what I am, let's face it. 

Aquarius 

I know all these theatres are not only very London-centric, but also England-centric. So here's the Lyric Theatre, Belfast. Liam Neeson is a patron and has performed here many times. I'm not going to do a 'Taken' joke. Instead i'll do a joke about the time Neeson admitted he once wanted to kill a random black person. Umm... so racially-aggravated assault? What a bummer, huh?

It will have been a very tough year for you Aquariuses. Well it's about to get tougher. Not only will you stub your toe, but you'll also lose your job, lose your mortgage, lose your freedom and most strangely of all, lose your hands. Don't ask me how. The universe blah blah blah, cosmic rays blah blah blah, Darius the Satyr and Mars and Venus and Jupiter and Kepler 22-B blah blah blah Professor Brian Cox. I don't know, OK? This is not my area of expertise, if you're actually gleaning any wisdom from these readings, you need your head examined. Or you need to grow up. I'm a frustrated, middle-aged, balding, pot-bellied, old-fashioned romantic old fart currently nursing a pint of absinthe, poring over Microsoft Bing to see which star sign is next. Get over yourself and build up some inner steel instead of consulting crap like this. You know how, you do. You have the tools, you are enough, you are enough. You have the answers. Not in a Kanye West kind of way, but you have the answers. I believe in you with every fibre of my being, random NNNN reader. 

Pisces

Time to downsize. This is the Watermill Theatre in Newbury, West Berkshire. It's a converted watermill (what did you think it used to be? A Ladbrokes?) The Propeller Theatre Company began life at the Watermill. Isn't it such a cosy, charming, delicious, joyous little sanctuary? 

OK, if you're still reading after that last entry, you must be a total nut job. So i'm going to treat you like one. stop the steal! Trump won the election! He won in a landslide! QAnon! Trump 2020! Stop the steal! Stop the steal! The truth is out there! Sasquatch 2024! Save America! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! Ed Sheeran is the greatest folk singer of all time! Peter Kay is hilarious! Never Say Never Again is by far the greatest Bond film, Phantom Menace is the best Star Wars film. Lindsay Lohan is a better stage actor than Simon Russell Beale, Mark Rylance and Kathryn Hunter combined! The Gielgud Theatre should be renamed the Gareth Gates Theatre. Henry VI Part III is the best Shakespeare play! Shakespeare and Dickens are the same person. Melons! Kumquat! Lights! Camera! Poopy pants! Take me hoooooome, country roaaaaaaaads, to the plaaaaaaaace, I beloooooooong, Clacton-On-Sea!!!

Right, that should do it. That was truly an awful ordeal and I want to distance myself from everything i've just written. 

The glorious Kathryn Hunter in 'Kafka's Monkey' at The Young Vic. If you have an opportunity to see a great actor weave their magic, grab it with both hands. Actors are ethereal, they don't last forever. I will forever regret not seeing Henry Irving on stage. But I suppose there's nothing I could've done about being born 60 years after he died. 

I cannot fucking wait for theatre to return. I miss everything. I miss finding out my seat is in the middle of the row and making very polite British middle-class guilty jokes like "Oops, there's always one isn't there? ha ha!". I miss walking up the old staircases in West End theatres and seeing all the old posters from past productions and not being able to stop and look at them for as long as i'd want because people are behind me. I miss the musty, mystical smell that graces your nostrils as you enter the auditorium, I always imagine an old haggard theatre witch has cast an ancient spell on the space and anyone who walks into it is immediately spellbound and held in captivity till the players be done with thee. I miss being told "this isn't your seat, sir" and arguing my case in hushed tones until i'm forced to admit my error and laugh politely but silently cursing the young hipster couple who clearly don't really want to be there. I miss walking out into the midsummer evening in the interval for a smoke break, listening to people talk about how the actor playing Tybalt who happens to be in Coronation Street looks shorter in the flesh. I miss the moment when the lights go down in the auditorium, and everyone in the audience feels this spine-tingling sense of danger. Anything could happen, within reason. I miss the coughing, the whispering, the laughing, the rustling of sweet wrappers (seriously who brings sweets to watch Medea?), the clinking of champagne glasses, the smell of old patrons some of whom would have seen Olivier, Ashcroft, maybe even David Garrick in this very theatre. I miss it with an intensity no horoscopes could ever articulate. And until then, I think I speak for all theatre lovers here, I am not the person I am meant to be without my beloved theatre. Now, fuck off, i'm off to eat a crunchie and binge-watch Arrested Development. 

If you thought Keith Brown's readings actually made some sort of cosmic sense, please email dignitas@dignitas.ch to book an appointment with one of our specialists today. And if you think that's too dark a joke to end the article on, don't worry, it's not a joke. 

 

Predicting 2021: What Could Happen This Year? Crystal Ball With Muriel Sticks

The editor told me to write an introduction to this article but it'll basically just sound like, "2020 will be remembered by many for the wrong reasons", blah blah blah, "No one could have expected", blah blah blah, "a global pandemic, racial unrest, US Election, Lancashire woman gets fined for riding a donkey through local sandpit", blah di blah di blah. So I'm just going to dive straight into the meat and potatoes of it all so I can go have a bath with my new gold, frankincense, Myrrh, peppermint cupcake fizzy sex bomb lavender bath bomb. I'm Muriel Sticks, and this is the year ahead:

January

A fuck tonne will happen in January. On the 6th, Mike Pence, in his role as president of the senate, will certify the election in Joe Biden's favour, probably causing a rift between him and Donald Trump. I don't quite know what Pence could do otherwise, unless he calls on God to smite the entire Capitol building down, like in Designated Survivor. Mike was widely tipped to be a future Republican candidate for president, but it's looking like Trump will run again in 2024, so Mike will probably hold back as he is the sub in the relationship. 

Thousands more people in the UK will receive the COVID-19 vaccine. I for one have never been more excited to be injected with a needle. I say that, my 20s were a wild ride. Vaccine misinformation is still rampant, but I think it's important that these conspiracy theorists blow off some steam, this is their Christmas. They seem to get off on contrarian opinions and phobia of experts. If this is the case, 2020 was one prolonged super-orgasm for them. 

10th of January will mark four years since the death of David Bowie. In over 50 cities worldwide, people will gather to pay tribute by simultaneously firing their grandparent's ashes up into space to join him. Officials have warned the sheer volume of ashes will form a thick layer of smog in the ozone layer likened to volcanic ash, disrupting air travel for at least a month and shrouding the Earth in near darkness.

February

A fuck tonne will happen in February also. The US will be getting used to having an old white conservative man as president for a change. Biden will likely not be seen in public much in his first year, both because of the virus and possible right-wing nutjobs with guns. Everything depends on the January 6th senate run-offs in Georgia. If the Democrats lose, Biden will be hamstrung by Republican senate majority leader Mitch McConnell's fetish for blocking legislation that helps people's lives. I don't subscribe to the whole 'world leaders are reptilians' theory, but McConnell is certainly some sort of dug-up re-animated maggot-infested Confederate corpse.

Elon Musk will say something stupid this month. His followers will defend him and Musk will face no consequences.

March

A biopic of COVID-19 will be announced in March. Not a biopic of the pandemic, or healthcare workers, but the virus itself. Speculation will surround who plays COVID, Daniel Day-Lewis, Gary Oldman, Gael Garcia Bernal & Frances McDormand will likely be top contenders. Wes Anderson will probably direct, giving the film a jovial and eccentric spin.

An Earthquake will happen in Belgium this month, but will barely register on the Richter scale. 

Sometime in March, The Indian Space Research Organization will launch their Chandrayaan-3 Moon mission. The mission will be a success and India will colonize the Moon, with Narendra Modi declaring himself 'president of the Moon'. Foreign dignitaries of several nations will fly to the Moon to meet Modi. Demonic Wrath, the British foreign secretary, will visit and get lost in the Sea of Tranquility, launching a rescue mission which will ultimately fail due to lack of funds. 

Jacob Rees-Mogg will say something stupid this month. His followers will defend him and Rees-Mogg will face no consequences.

April

Liverpool will be declared Premier League champions this month for a second consecutive season. Manchester City will scrape back into second place despite a rocky start to the season, Manchester United will take third place, Chelsea fourth. An attempt will be made by an Everton fan to hack Mo Salah's boots before the Merseyside Derby. Liverpool captain Jordan Henderson will notice his teammate's boots have been tampered with and will receive an MBE for his heroism. Henderson will then take over the role of Elliot Alderson in 'Mr Robot' from Rami Malek.

10,000,000 deadly locusts will be released in Finland as part of an April fool's prank, resulting in Finland going into lockdown. Musician Sting will perform in a charity benefit concert in the city of Espoo to raise money for Finnish farmers. Miley Cyrus will decline to perform, causing a diplomatic stand-off between Finland and the United States. Finnish-American relations will be eased when vice president Kamala Harris visits Helsinki and dances with some children or something. 

Morrissey will say something stupid this month. His followers will defend him and Morrissey will face no consequences.

May

An amazing archaeological discovery will be made in May by archaeologists working in South Africa. The findings will prove early hominids were formed and lived in the Earth's core and have gradually burrowed their way up across millions of years. The discovery will spark a renewed sense of Human compassion between creationists and evolutionists, both having been debunked by these new findings. I personally would welcome some consensus nowadays. Still, there will be those who doubt the South African discovery. The authorities will likely invite all the anti-science people worldwide who doubt their findings to travel to Johannesburg and travel down to the Earth's core. A malfunction in the lift will trap these people in the Earth's mantle. The rescue mission will ultimately be unsuccessful due to lack of funds. 

Amy Coney Barrett will say something stupid this month. Her followers will defend her and Coney Barrett will face no consequences.

June

UK Transport Secretary Grant Shapps will abolish the motorways in June, using approximately 100 million sticks of dynamite. The detonation will create a nationwide spectacle, broadcast live on the BBC, presented by Clare Balding. Dancers from the Royal Academy in lime-coloured leotards will then dance atop Eddie Stobart lorries aligned to spell 'Build back better' when viewed from above. 

Republicans in the US House of Representatives will attempt to impeach Joe Biden this month. The Democrats, who hold the majority in the house, will swiftly shoot down the attempt. Congressman Devin Nunes (R-Cal) will front the effort to impeach the president. They will claim Biden was actually born in the small Cotswolds village of Mickleton, England. The residents of Mickleton will soon get used to having CNN and Fox News vans camping in their luscious, unspoiled countryside. MAGA supporters donning their red caps will swarm to the village in anger, but after getting to know the Mickleton residents, they will be seduced by their vegetable-growing ways and choose to swap their red caps for farmer's caps. 

A heatwave will say something stupid this month. It's followers will defend it and the heatwave will face no consequences.

July

Louis Theroux will be arrested in the US this month. He'll be caught smuggling drugs into the country using his endearing, mild, child-like way of speaking. Theroux will be sent to the same Miami super-max prison he once filmed a documentary in. The contacts he made in said documentary will serve him well in the volatile and highly explosive prison environment. Upon being released, thanks to the efforts of Demonic Wrath (who found his way back from the Moon) Theroux's character will have altered dramatically. Gone will be the days where he presents documentaries on cults, weird hobbies or political extremists. He'll now be used as an interrogator on SAS: Who Dares Wins? 

England will win the European Championships this month. It'll become compulsory for every British citizen to have a tattoo of Harry Kane on either buttock. Arsenal fans will revolt, causing a long overdue police crackdown on Arsenal fans. 

Johnny Depp will say something stupid this month. His followers will defend him and Depp will face no consequences. 

August

August will be the most volatile month of 2021. As a result of the Pfizer vaccine, millions of vaccinated people will experience extreme muscle spasms and pledge allegiance to an obscure Pagan deity. Authorities will attempt to subdue the mass gatherings, but their attempts will prove futile. Large cardboard effigies of Jeff Bezos, Bill Gates, Elon Musk & Mark Zuckerberg will be burnt in the Welsh countryside. Bezos himself will then be strapped to a Bucking Bronco bull by two Minotaurs in chain-mail, be forced to ride it for fourteen days, then be forced to listen to Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, talk about fraternity.

Brazilian footballer Neymar Jr. will retire from football this month and switch to Cricket. 

To raise money for British theatre, Sir Ian McKellen will ride naked through the streets of Coventry on horseback.

The public zeitgeist will say something stupid this month. It's followers will defend it and the zeitgeist will face no consequences.

September

Former UK prime minister Margaret Thatcher's consciousness will be uploaded to the Sun this month. The project, which up until then would have been kept top secret by the Conservative Party, will have been in development since 2013, the date of Thatcher's death. 'Britain's Grandmother' as she is fondly remembered, will keep the nation's morale sky-high, literally, as she sings Ave Maria to us during the day, and barks her famous words "no, no, no" during the night on a continuous loop. 

Comedian Russell Brand will be sold at a Sotheby's auction in September. The auction will receive little press coverage, but The Daily Express will claim Brand was bought by the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia, Mohammed Bin Salman to use as a PR manager, helping to bolster the Kingdom's image as an approachable, friendly, non-hostile place which doesn't take itself too seriously. 

Donald Trump will fall down one of the holes whilst golfing at his Mar-a-Lago resort in Florida this month. It will turn out Trump's drink had been spiked beforehand, altering his perception of reality, forcing him to believe the large hole he fell into was actually a normal size golfing hole. People will suspect a number of different people as the culprit. Mike Pence, still angry that his dom is running in 2024, will be the main candidate. Steve Bannon, Hillary Clinton, Tom Hanks & Attorney General Barron Trump will be the others. 

A celebrity that hasn't yet become a celebrity at the start of 2021 will say something stupid this month. Their followers will defend them and the celebrity that hasn't yet become a celebrity at the start of 2021 will face no consequences. 

October

Prince Phillip, Duke of Edinburgh will drive a Land Rover into a job centre this month. The Duke will then be forced to fill out a tedious amount of paperwork and be asked futile and convoluted questions about his finances and his work experience, all the while being heavily judged by the staff. Phillip will end up being sanctioned for saying "this is bloody nonsense". He'll then collaborate with filmmaker and activist Ken Loach on a film identical to I, Daniel Blake, but with Phillip as the leading character. 'I, Phillip' will influence the Department for Work and Pensions' policies almost immediately, and everything will be OK.

A new species of giant invertebrate fish will be discovered deep in the Mariana Trench by marine biologists. The internet will be asked to name the new species. 'libtardia cucktrump' will be the most popular result. Sir David Attenborough will present a BBC series on the find, 'Attenborough: In Search of Cucktrump'.

UN Secretary-General Antonio Guterres will announce the end to World suffering this month. Guterres' resulting popularity will result in him being given many sponsorship deals with companies such as Nike, Unilever, Google, Apple, Facebook, Twitter, Yorkshire Farm Foods, Microsoft, Amazon & Exxon Mobil.

A Cambridge University academic whom people claimed to know before she made the controversial comments will say something stupid this month. Her claimed followers will defend her and the Cambridge University academic whom people claimed to know before she made the controversial comments will face no consequences. 

November

Prince Charles will make an unsuccessful attempt to climb the north face of the Eiger, a mountain in the Bernese Alps, to celebrate his 73rd birthday. The rescue mission will ultimately be unsuccessful due to lack of funds. 

Bush fires will rage through the Australian bush this month. This is not a funny one, this will probably genuinely happen. 

Mexican drug cartels will successfully infiltrate the US embassy in Mexico City, capturing over 100 employees and demanding $5,000,000,000 in ransom. Again, this is not funny. This is an entirely plausible event. 

A tornado will sweep through the Indonesian island of Bali, causing much devastation and loss of life. This is not a joke, this could very possibly happen. Let's hope to God it doesn't.

Joe Biden will announce November 17th as 'Dicks Out For Harambe Day'. Every US citizen with the necessary bodily appendage will legally have to flaunt it in public for 24 hours. The US president himself will address the nation with his flipper resting on the resolute desk in the Oval office. David Cameron will claim he's 'under the weather'.

Captain Pugwash will say something stupid this month. His followers will defend him and Pugwash will face no consequences.

December

Martin Scorsese will announce himself as John F. Kennedy's assassin in December. Scorsese will claim he carried out the assassination in order to create material for a film 20 years in the future. The film, which never came to fruition, will be announced with a planned release date of November 2023. 

World leaders will announce a ban on mentioning 2020, punishable by death. 

Bernie Sanders will attempt a military coup d'etat on December 20th. CNN won't cover the Coup, prompting accusations of bias by the progressive faction of the Democratic Party.

The esteemed news publication 'News, News, News, News' will go into administration on Boxing day. The paper, which has been operating since before records began, will be forced to apologize to it's two monthly readers, who will attempt to keep the ailing paper going via a substantial donation. The donations will be no less than £500,000 each, in cash, delivered to an undercover agent who'll be in contact with you covertly throughout the year. The aforementioned agent is not as forgiving as he may seem and carries a fully functional 15th century medieval mace. 

Festive ennui will say something stupid this month. It's followers will defend it and ennui will face no consequences. 

Undecimber

Oh yes, I forgot to mention, one of Donald Trump's last acts in office will be to announce a major change to the Gregorian calendar, the addition of a thirteenth month, Undecimber. It won't be legally recognized by any countries other than the US, but will soon catch on. UK prime minister Boris Johnson will go along with the gambit to consolidate the UK and US' 'special relationship'. Former PM Tony Blair will approve. 

Meet me back at the end of 2021 to see how many predictions I got right. Prepare to be humbled. And no I'm not planning on attacking the US embassy in Mexico City just to see that prediction come true, grow up. 

Wishing everyone reading this a new year. A very new year,

Muriel.