New evidence uncovered by the archaeological department of the University of Cockfosters, Berkeley suggests Britain’s wartime Prime Minister Winston Churchill, contrary to popular belief, favoured the vape, over the cigar.
The astonishing find has been the culmination of 40 years of work carried out by UOCB, headed by Professor Thom Yorke (not that one). Remnants of what are thought to be Elfbar vape pens were found stashed in a small snuff box beneath a staircase in Chartwell, Churchill’s country residence.
Thom Yorke (not that one), describes the find as ‘truly astonishing’ and ‘once in a lifetime’.
“Churchill’s a bit of a hero of mine, I must admit! We had an inkling all those years ago that the great man wasn’t as partial to cigars as people may believe. I’ve always harboured a ceaseless curiosity and an appetite for discovery. I always looked at those famous photographs of Churchill with his cigar and thought he looked a bit wayward, a bit ill-at-ease. Perhaps it was just intuition, but I always suspected, even if it was at the back of my mind, that Winston favoured the vape. I’ve spent 40 years of my life trying to uncover this evidence. As this is a public service, I feel it’s been time well-spent."
Using the latest technology, Thom Yorke (not that one) and his team can create a fairly accurate model of what the Elfbar would’ve looked like, though the flavour of the Elfbar will unfortunately be obscured by history.
“That is certainly a sticking point, and a ruddy disappointing one. We would’ve loved to know what the old boy’s preferred flavours were. One of my team did happen upon a quote in one of Stanley Baldwin’s private secretary’s notebooks describing how Clementine (Churchill’s wife) once asked for a solitary slice of lemon in her water when the Churchills were dining with the Baldwin’s at Chartwell. You see, this may seem inconsequential to you, but to us this was utterly illuminating. It suggests Churchill may have opted for the lemon flavour, or, and this is the really interesting perspective, perhaps he chose to eschew the lemon flavour precisely because it was a flavour his wife was fond of. You see, other than archaelogical know-how, one needs to have an adequate understanding of psychology and marital politics. I’ve come to accept i’ll go to my grave without knowing these things, and that fucking eats me up inside.”
In the popular imagination, Churchill has become synonymous with cigars, alongside Che Guevara, George S. Patton and Jimmy Savile. It is said the statesman and author first smoked cigars whilst fighting in Cuba, with Cuban cigars quickly becoming his favourite, especially the Romeo y Julieta and La Aroma de Cuba brands.
"Churchill was very conscious of his image, he's very modern in that respect" opines Thom Yorke (not that one), "The cigar-smoking certainly formed part of his larger-than-life, ebullient character, though of course with this new evidence we can imagine how hard it was for Winston to keep up the charade. He must've posed for the photograph, cigar in mouth, then spat it out, coughed and gone to bed in a huff. He probably took great lengths to hide the vape pens, lest the press or his political friends find out his dirty little secret".
Some of the team at UOCB have suggested Churchill hid the vapes in his black dog, which, up until now, was thought to be a metaphorical dog used to describe Churchill's sporadic deep depressive spells. Researchers have posited a theory that the dog was actually real and was used to unceremoniously stash the PMs e-cigarettes and the occasional wank mag, probably within the dog's anus. The researchers received a large black dog from an anonymous donor and conducted several highly disturbing tests to gauge how many Elfbars would fit in the dog's rectum, before abruptly giving up the months-long experiment, owing to lack of funds.
Vaping is essentially the same to smoking, but with an electronic cigarette, known as a vape. It's popularly known to be a habit of younger people, and people who are attempting to quit tobacco cigarettes. It's been derided by the older generation and your right-wing mother-in-law as a symbol of 'hipster culture' and 'wokeness'.
The news that Churchill favoured the vape has led many older conservative Churchill-enthusiasts, Boris Johnson among them, to surround Lake Windemere in the Lake District to link arms and slowly descend into the icy waters, singing 'Rule Britannia' as they plunge themselves into the deep. The event was covered by BBC's political correspondent Nick Robinson who described the event as 'sobering, but inevitable'.
Meanwhile vape sales have gone through the roof with younger conservatives, wishing to emulate their political hero. At the same time, cigar sales have also sky-rocketed due to young left-wingers feeling liberated to reclaim cigars as a symbol of working class culture. Political scientists and sociologists are baffled by the occurrence, but all agree the market is never wrong and should never be questioned.
