Disney Fans Dread 'The Aristocats' Sequel "The Bureaucats"

Fans of Disney's classic 1970 animated film 'The Aristocats' have been dismayed to learn of a new sequel in the works entitled 'The Bureaucats'. The film, which is produced by Walt Disney productions and set to be directed by a tiny slice of Wes Anderson's amygdala and a tiny cube of Paul Thomas Anderson's hippocampus, is currently scheduled to be released in late 2021.

The film follows a cat named 'Mr. Brown' on the first day of his job in a listless and uncompromising office building in a vast metropolis. The plot revolves around Mr. Brown’s attempts to pass a crucial document through a series of convoluted and highly serious offices, most of which use increasingly daunting acronyms like “ACROP”, “USAMDA” or “BELLOGID54FG”. His attempts to get the document signed by all these offices will form the dramatic crux of the film.

Despite some high-level UK civil servants already camping outside cinemas to buy tickets, there’s been a considerable backlash amongst more traditional Disney fans. Angel Herrera, a sanitation executive from Great Bison, New Guernsey in the US, complains of a ‘boring premise’.
“Especially for a Disney film” she ranted, “their films used to inspire childlike wonder for people of all ages. Me and my husband used to engage in cos play, meaning we used to craft things of out lettuce. We also liked Disney films. I feel like they’re now catering to heartless office workers. My husband thinks capitalism is to blame, but he’s a libertarian who flirted with eco-nazism and ketamine in his youth, so what would he know?”

Some countries have already banned the screening of the film. They fear the use of subversive and propagandistic messaging hidden amongst the baffling and incomprehensible deluge of paperwork shown throughout the duration of the planned 240 minute feature. The film is currently set to be banned in all of the 196 UN member states, plus South Sudan, Transnistria and the North Sentinel Islands. Paul Green, Secretary of State for Technological Innovation and Business in the North Sentinel Islands, claimed the film will spark ‘anarchy’.
“It’s clearly America trying to disseminate their filth to as many nations as possible. They want to monopolise culture and establish hegemony over us. One cannot move for the number of McDonald’s chains on these islands. That’s America’s fault!”

Sudan's Chair Industry Experiences Unexpected Boom as a Result of Rich People Searching for Sedan Chairs Amidst Virus Kerfuffle

The Northeast African nation of Sudan has experienced an unprecedented economic boost as a result of wealthy international businesspeople mistakenly purchasing the country's furniture whilst looking for the much sought after Sedan chair. Sedan chairs are currently 'in vogue' due to the worldwide COVID-19 pandemic. many wealthy commuters in busy cities such as London and New York are opting to eschew public transport and even their own cars for fear of contracting the virus. The Sedan chair, introduced to London in 1634 by Sir Saunders Duncombe, consists of a seat inside a cabin, attached to two wooden poles carried by 'chairmen', who don't require a wage.

It is believed that transporting oneself via a Sedan chair will help avoid coming into contact with the germ-infested, excrement-laden streets of filthy London and other cities of ill repute. Marion Balsworthy, a fashion designer from London Bayswater agrees with this assessment. "It's become a deathtrap to even walk the streets of London in recent months. These chairs might seem quaint and old-fashioned, but they're actually very practical if one thinks about it, and one needn't pay a penny!"

Despite the chairs' popularity amongst the more affluent London residents, there have been complaints aired by some that the chairs are a symbol of class privilege and snobbishness. Last Tuesday, NUCP (National Union of Chair Persons) announced they'd be taking legal action against their clients for refusing to pay them a wage. Arnold Parsons, General Secretary of the NUCP, described the move as 'necessary' and 'the decent thing to do'.
"Chair-carrying is back breaking work! And these rich toffs aren't even paying us a penny! It's very convenient for them having us carry them around, but we're still having to work in an unsafe environment. We've also had a torrent of abuse thrown at us! One lad was called a 'scab' the other day! I've been called a 'muck-shifter', a 'prole', a 'pleb with bunny ears', an 'Orwellian wank weasel', a 'Bolshie two-faced Northern goblin', a 'Corbyn-worshipping parasitic redneck scrounger King'. What does that even mean?"

But despite it being a common sight for flaneurs wandering the streets of Kensington and Chelsea to see men and women of high standing being carried round in extravagant and decorated chairs, the industry has a glaring issue on it's hands. Carol Blanchard, CEO of 'COVIDCARS', one of the leading Sedan chair companies, has written in the London Evening Benchmark that, "People have accidentally been buying pretty standard plastic chairs from companies in Sudan". The story, which made the publication's front page on Tuesday morning, is likely to spark a huge reaction from the government, who rely on companies like 'COVIDCARS' doing business on UK shores.

Today, the Business Secretary, Alok Sharma, announced plans to wage 'all out war' against the North African country. "It has become apparent that our two nations have developed quite a fractured relationship, and as we are all adults and want to come to a sensible agreement, we felt we had no choice but to invade and conquer. The British people deserve to sit on British chairs, in British rooms, in British houses. Me and Mr. Johnson have no doubt that the British people will support us in this British endeavour. Guns out, lads!"

In a move that is likely to cause increased tension in the international community, the UK government announced that it would not heed the advice of the UN and halt their fire till a more diplomatic route could be discerned. "I rang Boris this afternoon" said Francois Laurent, UN General Secretary of Diplomatic Extra-Marital Affairs, "He was adamant that this was the only way forward for Britain, he was clearly chewing something as well, and I'm pretty sure I heard him suck some jam off the end of his fingers, it was uncomfortable for me and my staff".

Labour Party leader and leader of the opposition Sir Keir Starmer called the move "necessary". "If this is what the Government want, I will support them 100%". Starmer's comments caused outrage among some Labour members, who branded Starmer an 'appeaser' to Government barbarism and imperialism. Starmer responded by explaining his 'impossible position' in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic, he stated that he is unable to oppose Government policy for fear of destabilising the country and opening 'Pandora's despatch box' which Starmer claimed to find amusing.

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