Are you from the 'Golden Generation'? Perhaps you belong to 'Generation X', or perhaps you're so old, you belong to the 'Silent Generation'. These are just a few examples of how different generations have been classified and colloquialized over the years by historians and lay people alike. They've become a source of fierce debate, usually pertaining to their boundaries and who belongs with what generation. Spaghetti has been lobbed across tables by 'Baby Boomers' claiming to belong to 'Generation X', or 'Silencers' claiming to be 'Goldies'. Both 'Millennials' and 'Zoomers' have been scorned by your "red-pilled" right-wing mother-in-law for being too 'woke', as have 'Baby Boomers' for being out of touch.
It's a useful, yet ultimately superficial way of classifying different generations. Human beings can no longer fight each other with lances, spears and swords, so we require petty and generalized labels to do the necessary jabbing for us. They aren't merely words, they're weapons, symbols, potent pieces of language used to prod and degrade a person, or an entire people, to reduce them to a 'meme' or to highlight their inferiority compared to one's own generation.
Merriam-Webster don't agree with this definition, however. They've optioned the rights to name all future generations beyond the 'Alpha Generation', believed to be those born after 2012. All future generations' names will be released every 20 years or so, and will be decided by a committee of marketing executives and 'influencers' who are in touch with prevailing generational vibes.
Corrie Fayver, Assistant Vice President of Public Naming and Societal Categorization, has described the move as 'necessary to encourage a shared sense of being in our society'. What she means by this is still uncertain, though she went on to say:
"If we just let the masses decide how generations are categorized, they'll get it wrong, as they always do. By entrusting this task to a committee of engaged and innovative marketing executives and influencers, we ensure that tabloids and 'top 10' columns will be able to neatly divide their audiences into different groups, allowing the tabloids to generate income by manufacturing conflict between said generations and the 'top 10' columns to suggest trends to a hyper-specific audience."
Some have called the move 'cynical and quasi-fascistic', though Fayver rejects such terms. "That's such a Millennial thing to say! Calling everything fascism. See what I did there? I was able to use an instantly recognizable term to emphasize my point and win the argument! It's so convenient! We no longer need to be capable of empathy or compassion, or even patience to debate things and learn about other people! It's all pointless and cumbersome. Use these terms instead and kill em' dead! It's the only way. It is, after all, best for business".
Fayver then disappeared in a cloud of green smoke, which then turned into Piers Morgan's grinning face.
This news comes after it emerged Rupert Murdoch has copyrighted the terms 'woke', 'snowflake' and 'cancel culture' and will continue to use the terms until their potency wears out. He'll then create new terms, again via a committee, but this time comprised of right-wing talk show hosts, politicians, Daily Telegraph journalists and your right-wing mother-in-law. Who knows what said terms could be? BetVictor have 'Ronas' at 4/1, which is believed to be those born after the Coronavirus pandemic of 2020, and 'Burners' at 6/1, believed to be those born after the planet has succumbed to global warming.
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