A man who 'mooned' The Queen last month is to be knighted by her majesty for "services to charity" after it transpired he had a number of charitable organisations tattooed on his buttocks.
Mark Knapp, 34, was arrested in Norfolk on October 14th for 'indecent exposure'. Footage of the incident showed Knapp, a father of 6, leap out of the crowd of well-wishers, walk up to The Queen, bend over and expose his tattooed buttocks. The footage, which has since gone viral, was later pored over by detectives, whereupon they discovered the wording on either cheek.
"We analysed the footage for hours on end, we lost a lot of good men" DS Troilus Dick told us. "Even with such advanced technology, we just couldn't make out the wording on Mr. Knapp's buttocks, the footage was very poor, it's ironic really, you'd think others would have better footage, but no. I've seen footage of Bigfoot which is better quality. Hell, i've seen footage of Bigfoot's hairy tushy which is a higher definition to this. You could see every hair, it was magnificent, you can see it if you want, I have a Facebook group, but this is beside the point".
"We eventually managed to make out the names of several high-profile charities supported by Her Majesty The Queen. "ActionAid" was on the left cheek, so was "Invalid Children's Aid Nationwide", we then sensed a pattern and managed to work out "Moorfields Eye Hospital NHS Foundation Trust", "National Council for Voluntary Organisations" and the "603 (City of Edinburgh) Squadron Royal Auxiliary Airforce" on the right cheek. We then realised what fools we'd been. This gentleman was not just some sick, perverted republican loser who wanted viral fame, he was trying to support Her Majesty in her charitable endeavours. He just chose a very cheeky way to do it, if you pardon the pun!"
Mr. Knapp was swiftly released from HMP Wandsworth, where he was being detained, and immediately brought to Buckingham Palace to receive a knighthood, still dressed in his prison garb.
"Mate, I was buzzing, you know what I mean?" Knapp told NNNN, "I always, like, thought my arsehole would get me somewhere, now look at where I am, look! Look at the fucking ceiling, look at them cushions, it's all plush and that. Fuck me, man."
The knighthood was an unusual one when Her Majesty broke precedent and hugged Mr. Knapp then lightly tapped his posterior like they do in those ASDA adverts. They then dabbed together and performed a popular 'TikTok' dance. The gesture went viral and endeared The Queen to the younger generation, who no longer want to question authority and will do what they're bloody well told.
The mooning has sparked copycat incidences, none of which have had quite the same effect. A Colorado woman flashed her breasts at President Joe Biden, reportedly with the words "Denver Gun Maintenance and Repair Society" tattooed on them. Secret Service agents quickly tackled her to the ground and she's now serving 10 consecutive life sentences in ADX Florence. A man in Scotland was also arrested for shoving his flaccid cock in Alex Salmond's face at a local charity dinner for military veterans. "Save the Squirrel" was his chosen charity.
The trend has also creeped it's way online, mainly via Instagram. Numerous celebrities have exposed their derrieres in the aid of a good cause, causing many Christian groups to criticise the social networking site for obscenity. The furore was quickly quelled when Neil Patrick Harris revealed his hindquarters with "Christian Women for Online Safety and Censorship" emblazoned on both cheeks. The organization thanked the actor for spreading the word of Jesus Christ, our Lord and saviour to his millions of followers.
Mr. Knapp is humble when asked about the phenomenon he's created. "It's fuckin' mental, man. I genuinely can't remember how those charities got on there, it's all a blur. I think it was, like, a night out or something, I just remember going out for a piss-up with Callum and the boys, then, like, we're fucking down for the count, you know what I mean? And suddenly i'm in this tattoo parlour and i'm in fucking agony, like real searing pain. And there's these fucking weird old men lookin' down at me and laughing, and there's green smoke everywhere. I thought I was trippin' if i'm honest with ya'. Next morning I wake up and Danielle, my wife, or whatever, says I have these random words on my arse. It fuckin' freaked me out, man, you know what I mean? It was fucking cosmic shit, like real Black Mirror shit."
Mr. Knapp knew of The Queen's visit to the town and decided to moon the 95-year old monarch for a laugh. "I feel like she needs it, ya know? Her hubby died recently, right? I just thought it'd give her a laugh, the police didn't need to pin me to the ground, fucking snowflakes, can't take a joke."
The tabloids quickly christened the event 'Arsegate', whilst the broadsheets ran a number of articles on how chimpanzees 'present' to potential mating partners, and the history of the bum and it's sociological significance across varying societies past and present.
The act of mooning was invented in the 19th century by Sir Grenville Moon, an explorer and military officer who found that baring his buttocks to his battalion of men would raise their spirits and provoke much laughter and merriment. The move worked, though Moon soon developed an addiction to exposing his rump, pulling off the act during the Charge of the Light Brigade in the Crimean War in 1854. Some historians have put the responsibility for the tragic loss of British life at Moon's feet, or rather, his bum.
