Lexicographers Discover the Long-Lost Meaning Behind the Phrase "Good Bloke"

The term "good bloke", used by middle-aged men to describe other men they've met who were agreeable but unremarkable, has long been shrouded in mystery with regards to it's linguistic origins. 

But lexicographers and linguists have announced they've discovered the term, contrary to popular belief, has ancient, mythological origins, which could be grounded in scientific fact as well. 

NNNN's own lexicographer Volumnia Clifford-Bayonet claims the theory that the slang originated from Irish or Romani slang in 19th century London is a bunch of "codswallop", and she hopes there will be lengthy prison sentences for people who continue to propagate a "poorly-researched, flight of fancy". 

"Yes, I have an authoritarian personality, especially for a lexicographer, I'm a Protestant woman who supports Labour, but only when they have a sensible, right-wing leader, lock me up, thought police! But no, we did some research and we found that the phrase goes way further back than we originally thought. Can you cut all that political stuff out the article when you print it? I don't want the left-wing women I lunch with to know I vote Labour".

Clifford-Bayonet suggests the phrase has pre-Roman origins. "We managed to uncover and translate a whole volume of previously hidden mythological texts belonging to some sort of cult which sprang up in the Celtic societies of pre-Roman Britain. I would divulge how we found them, but it involved a lot of potentially illegal digging, and a lengthy Ebay skirmish with rival buyers when the volumes were stolen by an opportunistic member of our team and put up for sale".

What Clifford-Bayonet and her colleagues found "astonished and unsettled" them.

"Well the illustrations and the text in the volumes seem to refer to "bloke" as this great, writhing mass of pulsating, sentient, hairy flesh attached to a cliff face, made up of sacrificed leaders. The volumes follow a very peculiar narrative of men travelling to this bloke led by a so-called "blokescutter", sacrificing one of their own to it, then cutting a portion of the bloke with a large scythe and taking it back to their farmstead communities to dine on the bloke meat with their families."

"If the meat from the bloke was deemed worthy by the community, people would say "good bloke", much to the relief of the travelling men, but if the meat was bad, they'd say "bad bloke", and the blokescutter who led the men to the bloke would be the next man to be sacrificed."

"It seems that this community was at great pains to please the bloke, worshipping it as a deity, but in a pre-Christian sort of way, so theologically we find this perverse and barbaric, and we hope it doesn't spurn any more Pagan revivals, as these things are really awkward for the police to suppress."

The deification of the flesh known as bloke is rooted in the belief that the Earth is a giver and nourisher of life and produces bountifully for those who worship her. In the case of this obscure Celtic cult, the bloke is the meat of life, and has the potential to feed a large community plentifully for many months, so long as it's pleased with the leadership of the blokescutter.

"The blokescutter was not only responsible for the cutting of the bloke, he was the moral leadership of the community, the flesh that the bloke spoke through, and would've been a considerably fierce soldier and military strategist as well."

"If the bloke didn't approve of the blokescutter's leadership and military decisions, the flesh that he cut and brought back to the community would end up rotting away very quickly, and would be dry, tough flesh, hard to get your teeth into, hard to digest, and just very fatty and cumbersome to swallow". 

It would often be several weeks before the bloke meat could be deemed good or bad by the communities.

"Sometimes it was instant, one passage of the volumes tells of a particularly bad blokescutter called Gruffudd, a serial gambler who lost 12 good horses to a rival community, had a noticeable lisp that affected his ability to rouse the men of his tribe in battle, and was too "Good-natured and gentle" to the women and children in his community."

"The bloke judged this blokescutter to be unworthy of the flesh, and when the bloke meat he brought back instantly rotted and stank up the entire holding with it's meaty fumes, he was imprisoned until the next blokescutter was elected, and eventually brought to the bloke to be sacrificed".

Clifford-Bayonet is unsure of how the condemned former blokescutters were sacrificed, but the illustrations seem to show the unfortunate soul crawling toward the bloke, begging for forgiveness as he gets closer, before being slowly and painfully consumed by long tentacles with teeth protruding from the flesh. 

"It seems to be a very grizzly culture, and the texts we've translated so far point toward the condemned blokescutter feeling a great deal of shame that he's not been able to provide for the community, and this shame manifests itself in this long, arduous crawl to the bloke, almost like a suicide ritual, except he would've been forced. I suppose no one in the community ever thought to ask the bloke whether it required a sacrifice, but perhaps it didn't speak their language, or speak at all, or perhaps they genuinely believed this was the only way to organise society."

She also pointed toward several instances of revered, almost god-like blokescutters, who ruled their communities for many years and only cut good flesh from the bloke. 

"There's a lengthy portion in one volume devoted to a gentleman named Madog, who was revered as a strong and fiery leader. He conquered many tribes and was feared and respected by his own community, enforcing a strong moral discipline amongst his people, with any bad behaviour in his tribe being punished by branding, or being slapped with a massive fish by the augurs of the tribe."

"The bloke seemed to approve of Madog to such an extent that every time he led a new expedition to cut the bloke meat, the meat would improve in quality every time, becoming ever more succulent and mouth-watering. This was declared a "golden age" by the anonymous chroniclers who wrote these volumes, with Madog dying in his 70s, a rarity for the time, surrounded by luscious meats, beautiful women and his brethren trembling at his feet."

The researchers are unsure of how this cannibalistic flesh cult died out, though portions of the book refer to anxieties of a "great flame" that will destroy the bloke, leaving the tribe to rely on other sources of food, and develop a more sophisticated and sustainable agricultural society, based on mutual cooperation, free from greed and exploitation, and rooted in respect for the Earth mother. 

"Whether this great fire actually happened, we don't know. But we know that they did eventually stop relying on the bloke to feed their tribes. This could've been because the bloke got annihilated somehow, or just slowly sagged into a lifeless clump of inedible meat, or became absorbed into the cliff face, or they discovered a better way of living, we just don't know, but we think this is where the phrase "good bloke" came from. We spent a lot of time and resources researching this, so if there's anyone in the lexicography community, or the linguistics community, or the folklore community who wish to discredit our findings and call us "pseudo-lexicographers with an unhealthy penchant for obscure mythology and abnormal religious beliefs", do me a favour and cry to Susie Dent". 

How the term "good bloke" survived and changed it's meaning is also a mystery.

"For the phrase to go through this prolonged metamorphosis from it's original meaning, as in "good meat, we like this meat, it's good bloke" to "he's a nice bloke, I trust him, but I'm pretty indifferent to him", is fascinating to us, but we theorised that perhaps throughout the next millennium of Britain, through the Anglo-Saxons, the Roman occupation and after, old tales of the bloke had somehow survived and were being passed on by oral storytellers generation to generation."

"We think eventually the folk process changed the meaning of the term "good bloke" from meaning "good meat" to "good leader" instead. And then eventually the idea of what a leader should be became so mutated, that we now refer to anyone who seems agreeable enough as a "good bloke", without ever being aware of the ancient, bloody truth behind the phrase."

The news of these findings has already emboldened sections of the far-right to adopt the phrase for leaders they deem "worthy of the flesh" with Donald Trump being referred to as "a top bloke". AI-generated memes show the President next to a writhing mass of veiny flesh with a large blade, with some Christian organisations adding Jesus to the photos, lest the memes have any pre-Christian influence on America's right. Trump himself appears to be aware of the meme, posting on Truth Social "I think NNNN's research is very beautiful, very beautiful, I think i'm a good bloke, huh? I think i'm the top bloke, I'm the best bloke, and i'm going to cut the meat for you and it's going to be beautiful."

Clifford-Bayonet says she won't be drawn in to a debate over how the phrase should be used. 

"It's not for me to tell people what to believe, but I hope the public do become more widely aware that this phrase has a darker meaning. People should be responsible with language. If you're talking about your friend Tony down the pub who does removals, don't call him a "good bloke", it might lead people to think he possesses the intrinsic qualities of a blood-thirsty cult leader, and this could lead to civil unrest and paranoia."

132 Charity Shop Volunteers Released from Prison After "Cult" Claims

Over 100 British charity shop volunteers across the country have been released from prison today after being arrested on suspicion of belonging to a cult that worships items with Jimmy Savile's face on. 

Police were tipped off that a growing amount of volunteers stored these items in their house, with officers believing the suspects wanted to sell them as part of some deranged paedophile cult. After a lengthy, tax payer-funded investigation, it was revealed that there was a simple explanation as to why the volunteers owned these items. 

Cath Jones, a volunteer at the British Heart Foundation Shop in Gloucester, was described as "utterly shocked" by her arrest, but insists to the public that she did no wrong. 

"Well, i've been volunteering here for 20 years, ever since I retired, and i've seen all sorts of items pass through here, let me think, oh gosh, off the top of my head, air fryers, breast pumps, University of Gloucestershire Rowing Champions 2009 T-Shirts, filthy Moomins with one eye missing, a cracked Toby jug of Admiral Nelson and Gran Turismo 4 on Playsation 2."

Cath also admitted some of the items that were donated were rather unsavoury.

"Yeah, well before Operation Yew Tree and all that, we had all kinds of items with Jimmy Savile's face slapped on the front. He was a beloved figure, I was born in the 40s, so I'm not young enough to have been a fan of his, but my daughter loved Jim'll Fix It as a child, she once asked him to bring back hanging for people who graffitied in children's playgrounds, this was a different time, you see? We all wanted to bring the rope back in those days. Some of the harder bastards still do around here, but i've softened a bit, I think there's too much risk involved with it, I prefer lethal injection, or firing squad. But it doesn't matter, cause' he didn't grant my daughter's wish, and she wasn't invited on the show, she was fucking fuming for weeks".

"For years before the allegations came to light in 2012, we had all sorts of Jim memorabilia, mugs, slippers, key rings, lamps with his glowing face forming into a wax-like blob dissolving in and out of shape in a translucent liquid. So much tat, but that's mainly what we sell here. We had Will Young's auto-biography donated the other day, alongside a framed picture of David Essex in a cardigan with a golden retriever from the 1970s."

When the police investigation into Savile came to light, charity shops across the country rushed to remove all icons of Savile in their shops, causing widespread disruption to the sector. Eric Mahon, from Crowthorne, who suffers from OCD, describes an "epidemic of moral panic" amongst charity shop volunteers. 

"Well, the Savile stuff was always kept by the window, beneath the scarfs, but by the window, always there, never anywhere else, If someone bought one of the items, like a Savile snuff box, or a Jim'll Fix It space hopper, i'd go into our store room and replace said item with another Savile item, and thus it continued, year on year, it worked like clockwork, really. We had a glut of Savile merchandise, though the biggest surge came in 2012 when the crimes came to light. It was utterly appalling, but my first thoughts were "where am I going to relocate the items to?" People were coming in their droves bringing these Savile items in, I would stand by the door of the shop imploring people to just dispose of the items instead of donating them. I felt like I was guarding the door of the Manger in Bethlehem, telling the wise men not to bring any more gifts, it felt very un-Christian of me, but I found solace in the fact that the Mind charity shop in Crowthorne is not, and never will be the birthplace of the Son of God."

Linda Summers, of the Rhyl Cancer Research charity shop, set up a Facebook group for volunteers across the country, to discuss what to do with the items.

"It was ridiculous, all these horrible crimes were coming to light and we had no idea what to do with all this tat, people would be furious if they saw Jimmy Savile Fun Run t-shirts on display in our shop! It was a bit of a crisis, so I thought I needed to consult my brethren across the country to figure out what to do."

Summers, alongside other vocal members of the Facebook group, made the decision to take all the items home with them, but not to destroy them. 

"Well, we don't like waste, you see? And you never know what things like this will be worth in 30 years, either we've been storing boxes full of morbid memorabilia of a convicted sex offender in our attics for years, or these boxes were our grand-children's future. Because these things might appreciate in value, and be very desirable for future buyers, and who knows? Nowadays we have Antiques Roadshow, in 30 years we might have a more anarchic, pirate version of that, where only darker, objectionable, politically-incorrect items will be sold, and I suppose Russell Brand will be the host, and it'll be on the Internet, but that's just my guess, I don't know how television works".

After the agreement took place, Summers and all the volunteers across the country hurriedly took the items home and stored them away in their attics, away from prying eyes.

"I don't know about everyone else, but I drew massive red crosses on the boxes, to signal to anyone who happens to be in my attic that the boxes were condemned or perhaps ridden with a pre-enlightment disease. It was my deeply-held belief that this would be enough to deter anyone from opening them, but I was wrong, and in hindsight, the red cross may have been more of an inviting symbol, and less so a deterrent".

In late 2021, a number of people had reported these volunteers to the police, claiming they belonged to some kind of cult that worshipped these items. Summers was amongst those who were arrested.

"I think it was probably those workmen who were insulating my loft. I remember they came into my house all happy and cheerful, I made them a cup of tea, they got to work in the loft, then they came down all ashen-faced and white, like they'd seen a ghost, or been frightened by something on a primal level. They finished the work, I paid them, then they left my house as quick as they could. I looked out the window and I saw one of them throw up on the pavement before getting in their van and speeding off."

Summers believes these workmen then started spreading rumours of a charity shop volunteer cult on forums like 4chan. 

"I started getting weird men in their 20s with neck beards congregating outside my house. They'd spam my Facebook feed with pizza emojis and Illuminati gifs. My daughter came back from school one day with a Pepe the frog balloon a stranger had handed to her. I suppose I just thought this is what young men do nowadays, and i'll just have to suck it up. I went out to talk to one of them and ask what the fuck it is they wanted". 

When Summers discovered the extent of the conspiracy against her and the other volunteers, she quickly notified the others and instructed them to destroy the memorabilia. 

"We all gathered in this field in Wiltshire at night, everyone, from across the country, and lit a bonfire to burn all the items. It felt very ritualistic, but we thought it was the most sensible option. We all wore masks or balaclavas in case anyone saw us, I wore a Trump mask that had been donated in 2024 after he was re-elected, because the humour in receiving Trump-themed joke gifts had, for some reason, in the space of eight years, slowly dissipated compared to his first election win in 2016. But I kept mine, because i've always found him rather funny-looking, with his big orange face."

The burning was going swimmingly, heaps of Savile-themed merchandise melting into a gooey puddle whilst the volunteers looked on in relief.

"It wasn't just Savile, but most of it was him. We also had heaps of Gary Glitter records, hand-stitched crocheted leg-warmers of Dave Lee Travis' face, and a wax effigy of Cliff Richard that was particularly fun to throw into the blaze, although I did feel a tad guilty when I later discovered he was innocent. But, in fairness to Cliff, I think even he'd admit his day is done, and the flames consume us all eventually."

"We even organised a barbecue and brought flasks of coffee with us, it was, I regret to say, a rather enjoyable evening until we were interrupted."

Later in the evening, just as the Jimmy Savile-themed pinball machines were burning to a crisp, several of the conspiracy theorists from the 4chan forum arrived and started streaming the proceedings on Twitch, claiming to have caught the cult red-handed. 

"We suddenly smelt this foul stench of BO and Lynx Africa, it was quite overpowering. Hordes of young men gathered and just filmed us, and shone torches in our eyes. One of the boys saw me in my Trump mask and screamed into his phone "IT GOES TO THE TOP, BRO. IT GOES TO THE TOP. DAMN, BRO, IT GOES TO THE TOP." Then he started asking me where Hunter's laptop is, and asking if "Bubba sent me"."

"We told them to fuck off and mind their own business, but they must've seen the remaining pile of Savile-themed items and surmised that we were observing some kind of perverse cult-like ritual. They called the police and we were all detained, because the police are generally inclined towards believing the most acutely-paranoid people in our society, and choose to act on their whims, so long as they organise in an efficient and social media-savvy way."

After being detained for over 3 weeks, the prisoners have now finally been released without charge. 

Summers believes the charity sector is ill-prepared for another incident like the Jimmy Savile-scandal. "I've decided to quit volunteering at the shop now, it's just too much stress for me, every woolly jumper we get donated I feel a wave of anxiety that it might have a famous nonce on the front, and the whole psychodrama will start again. People donate the weirdest crap imaginable, fragments from bygone eras, icons of icons faded and drowned into obscurity, we're swimming in a sea of liquid turds, desperately trying to thrash about and stay above the turds. That's how it feels being a charity shop volunteer in this day and age. If you have a video cassette of Rolf Harris playing the wobble board in a children's hospice aboard a cruise, do me a favour and fucking burn it, don't donate it."

For Eric Mahon, the ordeal was distressing, but has ultimately led to him seeking therapy for his OCD. "I couldn't admit to myself that I had a problem, but this has completely re-framed my outlook on life. The grief I suffered when I had to move these items by the window that were always there, because that's where they were, they were always there, it was, quite simply, a humbling, transformative experience. It forced me to question things on an ontological level, and i'm now a lot more tolerant of items being moved around a bit, or wholly culled from the shelves if they aren't selling well, or if they have child molesters on them".

Jacob Rees-Mogg "In Good Health" After Being Kidnapped by Young Tories

Jacob Rees-Mogg “feared for his life” after being kidnapped by a troop of young Tories, taken to a house in the middle of nowhere and tied to a bed. 

The controversial politician, 56, eventually managed to escape uninjured, apart from one shattered leg. The Conservative Party have today announced an inquiry into the kidnapping, with Kemi Badenoch also announcing plans to vet future Young Conservative members for signs of "excessive and manic devotion to key Conservative figures from the 2010-2024 governments". 

Rees-Mogg is particularly popular among younger Tories who admire his intellect and believe he's a throwback to a more desirable and aesthetically-pleasing era of British life. 

Milo Pimms-Breeding, an Eton graduate and current treasurer of the Cambridge University 19th Century Tory Cosplaying Society, is believed to be the ringleader of the group who lured the politician to an abandoned hut in a remote forest glade and brutalised his leg with a massive hammer. 

The Society put out a statement on Tuesday:

"We do not endorse the kidnapping of key Conservative figures from the 2010-2024 governments. Our members can admittedly be a little over-zealous, and perhaps have the propensity to be idolatrous, hammy shits, but our society serves the purpose of celebrating an era of British political history that we hope shall return someday. A romantic era of Toryism, of restraint, prudence, moral strictness, tight corsets and austere portraits, of verbose speeches, devotion to the true faith, stifled sexual self-awareness and a fondness for the works of Thomas Carlyle."

Rees-Mogg, who in the past has devoted a lot of time to meeting and providing guidance to his young followers, has stated he will only now talk to young Tories behind a window of shatter-proof glass, as a precautionary measure in case his other leg is shattered by a hammer. Conservative Party Chairman Kevin Hollinrake has announced funds will be made available to create a sophisticated glass pod for Rees-Mogg to be carried around in by party workers at the next Conservative Party Conference. 

Letters: 21/9/25- "Where did Young People's Imagination Go?"

News, News, News, News receives over 250,000,000 letters per week, with more than half of them criticising the fact that we don't print letters. With this in mind, being "The People's Newspaper", and the paper of choice for many famous figures, including Miss Hoolie from Balamory, Norman Tebbit and Alex from Glasto, we'd like to take this opportunity to put YOU front and centre, YOU, the British public, you beautiful rag-tag bunch of St.George's flag-waving misfits. Our first letter comes in from Gerry, 81, from Winterton-on-Sea in Norfolk. 

Dear NNNN,

Why do young people nowadays rely on technology to pass the time? My youngest granddaughter is 7 and her face is constantly glued to the screen of her phone, whenever I try to make conversation with her she growls at me like some feral girl-beast and I just leave her to get on with it. If she were my child i'd give her a clip around the ear, but alas, the times have changed and parents now molly-coddle their children until they become pathetic, glowing, gelatinous globules that melt on exposure to sunlight. 

I worry about the consequences this technology will have on her brain and whether her cognitive functions will become impaired, or whether she'll have a brain at all in 3 years and it won't just evaporate into a fleshy puddle. 

When I was a child, all we had to play with was half a brick, a piece of string and our own tears, dried and preserved in resin. Our imaginative faculties were so razor-sharp that we could create vast, cloud-capped kingdoms out of very little. 

These early flights of the imagination have been hugely important to me throughout my life, meaning that I can sit here, aged 81, writing letters to newspapers all day without needing assistance. I worry that when my granddaughter turns 81, she'll just be an insentient blobfish being fed yoghurt through a tube. 

I worry that somewhere along the way we unknowingly led our younger generations astray and poisoned their brains with all manner of digitised horror. The only time I remember watching a screen growing up was going to the cinema to see a newsreel of Anthony Eden resigning, I was enthralled from start to finish and begged my parents to show me more Prime Ministerial resignations, but they gave me a clip round the ear and told me to stop disgracing myself.

My childhood was spent pond-dipping, riding my bike down quiet country lanes, reading about Roman emperors and watching my father, a carpenter, at work in his shed. It was bucolic bliss, simple, blessed and innocent, it made me the man I am today, a passionate, imaginative, free soul, free from anxiety and devoted to living my best life. 

Our grandchildren's generation are not being adequately prepared for the challenges they'll face in the world today, they're being indoctrinated by an intricate network of underwater internet cables, flooding millions of ghastly images into their underdeveloped, febrile minds. These images are transforming them into impotent, zombie-like idlers, relying on the state to give them a helping hand and sucking in vulgar, insipid caffeinated drinks with a twirly straw whilst laughing at elderly people falling into hedgerows. 

I'd say we have 10 years to save our imagination. 10 years to save the souls of our children. We don't owe them anything, we've given them life, after all, but it's our responsibility, us, the untainted ones, to sanctify them and free them from becoming odious, fatty blobs being washed ashore and picked at by gulls.  

I'd also like to announce the winner of the Winterton-on-Sea summer fete scarecrow contest from 2nd September. Joanna and Steve from Marigold Cottage are this year's winner, their Tom Baker Dr Who scarecrow thoroughly impressed the village and we'd like to congratulate them on their hard work! All money raised from the fete will go to restoring the church roof, we'd like to thank everyone who committed their time and dedication to this year's fete. It was truly a roaring success!

Yours sincerely,

Gerry

 

British Government to Ban the Phrase "It's Hot, Isn't it?"

The British government, working in lockstep with the Met Office have today announced they intend to ban the phrase "It's hot, isn't it?" over fears it may be used as code by climate activists to fuel subversion. 

The phrase itself is uttered by the majority of British people when the temperature exceeds 18 degrees and is widely-considered to be a handy conversation starter for people who have little to say to each other and have a general contempt for humanity. 

A recent report by the ICSTAESP (Institute for Conversation and Small Talk Amongst English Speaking Peoples) found that people are more likely to start conversations if the weather is noticeably colder or hotter than average, and that mentioning the weather acts as a sort of social lubricant, or icebreaker. Professor Jayne Natter of Sheffield Hallam University spent a year observing how people initiate conversation by standing at bus stops.

"I'd say I did at least 2,000 bus stops, spread across the country, avoiding the shithole towns, of course! I found it's usually older people who glance around them, looking for someone to engage with, then they'll casually say "it's hot, isn't it?", almost like pitching a fishing rod into a lake to see who'll respond."

Natter noticed that as soon as the phrase was uttered, everyone at the bus stop seemed to noticeably relax and seem more at ease with being around strangers and people of different social classes, races and ages. 

"I'd liken it to an incantation, or a spell being cast if I was a hippy, spiritual fruitcake and not a woman of science and hard facts, which is what I am. It had a lubricating effect, and a ripple effect, people were glad someone pointed out how hot it is, perhaps the act of someone pointing out the obvious empowered the more reticent bus stop-dwellers to share their relative discomfort at the weather too. It's possible the people who say the phrase "It's hot, isn't it?" are knowingly fomenting revolution."

Natter's study caught the eye of ministers and the intelligence services who perceived the phrase to carry "subversive and malicious" intent, claiming it could be used to incite widespread social unrest and eventually violent revolution. 

A spokesperson for the government told NNNN: "We believe the phrase is being used by so-called activists to incite terrorism and overthrow His Majesty's government. Anyone who uses this phrase should expect a harsh response from police and anti-terrorism units. We realise some people may believe the phrase "It's hot, isn't it?" to be rather innocuous, but I can assure you it's a slippery slope and it's best to nip these people in the bud before they become hardened terrorists."

The ban has already led to over 10 million people being arrested on the streets of Britain. Those detained are disproportionately people above 65, most claiming they were unaware of the ban and were merely commenting on the recent heatwave. 

Gerald Thwaites, an 83 year old retired horticulturalist from Epsom, Surrey was arrested by 4 police officers whilst watering the pansies in his front garden. 

"It took me by surprise, as you can imagine! Four police officers strolled up to me, asked my name, then tackled me to the ground and said you're under arrest for inciting terrorism! Funny the things you prioritise when you're being attacked, I wasn't thinking about myself, my wife, and certainly not my grandchildren, but my pansies and who'd water them if I'm gone! Thankfully my wife was inside and she'd never say "it's hot, isn't it?" because she's from Egypt, you see? So this weather's mild for her. One of life's silver linings, I suppose. I hope I get to see her again".

Leading right-wing figures have blamed the ban on "woke, leftie, PC warriors who want to erode free speech" whilst also praising the government for cracking down on "woke climate warriors who want us all to have woke solar panels, ride woke bikes and eat fucking woke tofu stuffed with woke kale and woke avocado". 

Leading left-wing figures also responded to the ban, but we here at NNNN would like to say a massive thank you to BNP Paribas for being ever so generous with the summer party and silent disco they threw for our employees last week on a rooftop in South Kensington. A boozy time was had by all. Long live BNP Paribas!

Gareth Southgate is Pure Evil, According to Scientists

Gareth Southgate embodies the purest essence of evil. This is according to scientists who've studied the England manager for over 3 years as part of a tax payer-funded experiment to study the essence of pure evil on a chemical level.

Researchers at the University of Cockfosters, Berkeley published their findings in Lancet, the medical journal, on Friday, but made it clear in an accompanying press release that Mr. Southgate, to their knowledge, has not perpetrated any crimes, and should not be treated any differently by the British public despite the findings of this study. 

Several public figures were examined within the parameters of the experiment, but none matched the criteria set forth by the researchers, though some are said to have come close. when pressed by NNNN, the researchers revealed Lucy Worsley was, for a long time, thought to embody pure evil, though this was later disproved after several unsolicited blood tests. 

Professor Chris Whitty described the findings to NNNN as a "huge step toward discovering a cure for evil".

"It's a truly revolutionary study, one which will save a lot of lives. Scientists have always endeavoured to grab hold of abstract concepts and sculpt them into tangible, quantifiable truths. No challenge is too big or too soul-destroying for us. In fact, the soul is our next target! Nothing can stop us and nothing can stop the findings of this experiment being used to justify heinous and draconian laws aimed at the regular man on the street."

Whitty also believes it's imperative that Southgate is allowed to live a simple and free life, despite the fact that scientists have discovered he's evil. 

"He (Southgate) has done nothing. I realise the headlines will lead people to believe that he's murdered someone or sipped blood from a dead nun's arm in a morgue using a twirly straw, but we have to make clear he's completely innocent. It's a situation of great nuance and subtlety.”

Whitty also wishes to clarify that Southgate is by no means a psychopath,

“He’s as much of a psychopath as Winnie the Pooh is, so we don’t have to worry about that. Being intrinsically evil is much different to being a psychopath or a sociopath. Southgate doesn’t possess any sort of mental disorder or display any violent tendencies. He’s not in any way controlling or manipulative, hell, he’s not even particularly charming or charismatic. He’s just evil, pure and simple. We don’t have to explain our findings, shut up.”

Southgate was contacted by NNNN for a response, but chose not to reply. The FA have announced that they intend to keep Southgate on as England manager, despite the negative press coverage.

England captain Harry Kane announced his support for Southgate in an Instagram post, saying: “A lot of bad press surrounding our gaffer and his ingrained evil nature. Just want to say he has our full support as a team. The gaffer’s never done anything to suggest he’s evil to his very core. Frankly, it was Roy Hodgson who’s the evil one, he once made me take corner kicks against Iceland at Euro 2016, absolutely bloody evil!”

New Evidence Suggests Churchill Was a Secret Vaper

New evidence uncovered by the archaeological department of the University of Cockfosters, Berkeley suggests Britain’s wartime Prime Minister Winston Churchill, contrary to popular belief, favoured the vape, over the cigar. 

The astonishing find has been the culmination of 40 years of work carried out by UOCB, headed by Professor Thom Yorke (not that one). Remnants of what are thought to be Elfbar vape pens were found stashed in a small snuff box beneath a staircase in Chartwell, Churchill’s country residence. 

Thom Yorke (not that one), describes the find as ‘truly astonishing’ and ‘once in a lifetime’.

“Churchill’s a bit of a hero of mine, I must admit! We had an inkling all those years ago that the great man wasn’t as partial to cigars as people may believe. I’ve always harboured a ceaseless curiosity and an appetite for discovery. I always looked at those famous photographs of Churchill with his cigar and thought he looked a bit wayward, a bit ill-at-ease. Perhaps it was just intuition, but I always suspected, even if it was at the back of my mind, that Winston favoured the vape. I’ve spent 40 years of my life trying to uncover this evidence. As this is a public service, I feel it’s been time well-spent."

Using the latest technology, Thom Yorke (not that one) and his team can create a fairly accurate model of what the Elfbar would’ve looked like, though the flavour of the Elfbar will unfortunately be obscured by history. 

“That is certainly a sticking point, and a ruddy disappointing one. We would’ve loved to know what the old boy’s preferred flavours were. One of my team did happen upon a quote in one of Stanley Baldwin’s private secretary’s notebooks describing how Clementine (Churchill’s wife) once asked for a solitary slice of lemon in her water when the Churchills were dining with the Baldwin’s at Chartwell. You see, this may seem inconsequential to you, but to us this was utterly illuminating. It suggests Churchill may have opted for the lemon flavour, or, and this is the really interesting perspective, perhaps he chose to eschew the lemon flavour precisely because it was a flavour his wife was fond of. You see, other than archaelogical know-how, one needs to have an adequate understanding of psychology and marital politics. I’ve come to accept i’ll go to my grave without knowing these things, and that fucking eats me up inside.”

In the popular imagination, Churchill has become synonymous with cigars, alongside Che Guevara, George S. Patton and Jimmy Savile. It is said the statesman and author first smoked cigars whilst fighting in Cuba, with Cuban cigars quickly becoming his favourite, especially the Romeo y Julieta and La Aroma de Cuba brands. 

"Churchill was very conscious of his image, he's very modern in that respect" opines Thom Yorke (not that one), "The cigar-smoking certainly formed part of his larger-than-life, ebullient character, though of course with this new evidence we can imagine how hard it was for Winston to keep up the charade. He must've posed for the photograph, cigar in mouth, then spat it out, coughed and gone to bed in a huff. He probably took great lengths to hide the vape pens, lest the press or his political friends find out his dirty little secret".

Some of the team at UOCB have suggested Churchill hid the vapes in his black dog, which, up until now, was thought to be a metaphorical dog used to describe Churchill's sporadic deep depressive spells. Researchers have posited a theory that the dog was actually real and was used to unceremoniously stash the PMs e-cigarettes and the occasional wank mag, probably within the dog's anus. The researchers received a large black dog from an anonymous donor and conducted several highly disturbing tests to gauge how many Elfbars would fit in the dog's rectum, before abruptly giving up the months-long experiment, owing to lack of funds.

Vaping is essentially the same to smoking, but with an electronic cigarette, known as a vape. It's popularly known to be a habit of younger people, and people who are attempting to quit tobacco cigarettes. It's been derided by the older generation and your right-wing mother-in-law as a symbol of 'hipster culture' and 'wokeness'. 

The news that Churchill favoured the vape has led many older conservative Churchill-enthusiasts, Boris Johnson among them, to surround Lake Windemere in the Lake District to link arms and slowly descend into the icy waters, singing 'Rule Britannia' as they plunge themselves into the deep. The event was covered by BBC's political correspondent Nick Robinson who described the event as 'sobering, but inevitable'. 

Meanwhile vape sales have gone through the roof with younger conservatives, wishing to emulate their political hero. At the same time, cigar sales have also sky-rocketed due to young left-wingers feeling liberated to reclaim cigars as a symbol of working class culture. Political scientists and sociologists are baffled by the occurrence, but all agree the market is never wrong and should never be questioned.