132 Charity Shop Volunteers Released from Prison After "Cult" Claims

Over 100 British charity shop volunteers across the country have been released from prison today after being arrested on suspicion of belonging to a cult that worships items with Jimmy Savile's face on. 

Police were tipped off that a growing amount of volunteers stored these items in their house, with officers believing the suspects wanted to sell them as part of some deranged paedophile cult. After a lengthy, tax payer-funded investigation, it was revealed that there was a simple explanation as to why the volunteers owned these items. 

Cath Jones, a volunteer at the British Heart Foundation Shop in Gloucester, was described as "utterly shocked" by her arrest, but insists to the public that she did no wrong. 

"Well, i've been volunteering here for 20 years, ever since I retired, and i've seen all sorts of items pass through here, let me think, oh gosh, off the top of my head, air fryers, breast pumps, University of Gloucestershire Rowing Champions 2009 T-Shirts, filthy Moomins with one eye missing, a cracked Toby jug of Admiral Nelson and Gran Turismo 4 on Playsation 2."

Cath also admitted some of the items that were donated were rather unsavoury.

"Yeah, well before Operation Yew Tree and all that, we had all kinds of items with Jimmy Savile's face slapped on the front. He was a beloved figure, I was born in the 40s, so I'm not young enough to have been a fan of his, but my daughter loved Jim'll Fix It as a child, she once asked him to bring back hanging for people who graffitied in children's playgrounds, this was a different time, you see? We all wanted to bring the rope back in those days. Some of the harder bastards still do around here, but i've softened a bit, I think there's too much risk involved with it, I prefer lethal injection, or firing squad. But it doesn't matter, cause' he didn't grant my daughter's wish, and she wasn't invited on the show, she was fucking fuming for weeks".

"For years before the allegations came to light in 2012, we had all sorts of Jim memorabilia, mugs, slippers, key rings, lamps with his glowing face forming into a wax-like blob dissolving in and out of shape in a translucent liquid. So much tat, but that's mainly what we sell here. We had Will Young's auto-biography donated the other day, alongside a framed picture of David Essex in a cardigan with a golden retriever from the 1970s."

When the police investigation into Savile came to light, charity shops across the country rushed to remove all icons of Savile in their shops, causing widespread disruption to the sector. Eric Mahon, from Crowthorne, who suffers from OCD, describes an "epidemic of moral panic" amongst charity shop volunteers. 

"Well, the Savile stuff was always kept by the window, beneath the scarfs, but by the window, always there, never anywhere else, If someone bought one of the items, like a Savile snuff box, or a Jim'll Fix It space hopper, i'd go into our store room and replace said item with another Savile item, and thus it continued, year on year, it worked like clockwork, really. We had a glut of Savile merchandise, though the biggest surge came in 2012 when the crimes came to light. It was utterly appalling, but my first thoughts were "where am I going to relocate the items to?" People were coming in their droves bringing these Savile items in, I would stand by the door of the shop imploring people to just dispose of the items instead of donating them. I felt like I was guarding the door of the Manger in Bethlehem, telling the wise men not to bring any more gifts, it felt very un-Christian of me, but I found solace in the fact that the Mind charity shop in Crowthorne is not, and never will be the birthplace of the Son of God."

Linda Summers, of the Rhyl Cancer Research charity shop, set up a Facebook group for volunteers across the country, to discuss what to do with the items.

"It was ridiculous, all these horrible crimes were coming to light and we had no idea what to do with all this tat, people would be furious if they saw Jimmy Savile Fun Run t-shirts on display in our shop! It was a bit of a crisis, so I thought I needed to consult my brethren across the country to figure out what to do."

Summers, alongside other vocal members of the Facebook group, made the decision to take all the items home with them, but not to destroy them. 

"Well, we don't like waste, you see? And you never know what things like this will be worth in 30 years, either we've been storing boxes full of morbid memorabilia of a convicted sex offender in our attics for years, or these boxes were our grand-children's future. Because these things might appreciate in value, and be very desirable for future buyers, and who knows? Nowadays we have Antiques Roadshow, in 30 years we might have a more anarchic, pirate version of that, where only darker, objectionable, politically-incorrect items will be sold, and I suppose Russell Brand will be the host, and it'll be on the Internet, but that's just my guess, I don't know how television works".

After the agreement took place, Summers and all the volunteers across the country hurriedly took the items home and stored them away in their attics, away from prying eyes.

"I don't know about everyone else, but I drew massive red crosses on the boxes, to signal to anyone who happens to be in my attic that the boxes were condemned or perhaps ridden with a pre-enlightment disease. It was my deeply-held belief that this would be enough to deter anyone from opening them, but I was wrong, and in hindsight, the red cross may have been more of an inviting symbol, and less so a deterrent".

In late 2021, a number of people had reported these volunteers to the police, claiming they belonged to some kind of cult that worshipped these items. Summers was amongst those who were arrested.

"I think it was probably those workmen who were insulating my loft. I remember they came into my house all happy and cheerful, I made them a cup of tea, they got to work in the loft, then they came down all ashen-faced and white, like they'd seen a ghost, or been frightened by something on a primal level. They finished the work, I paid them, then they left my house as quick as they could. I looked out the window and I saw one of them throw up on the pavement before getting in their van and speeding off."

Summers believes these workmen then started spreading rumours of a charity shop volunteer cult on forums like 4chan. 

"I started getting weird men in their 20s with neck beards congregating outside my house. They'd spam my Facebook feed with pizza emojis and Illuminati gifs. My daughter came back from school one day with a Pepe the frog balloon a stranger had handed to her. I suppose I just thought this is what young men do nowadays, and i'll just have to suck it up. I went out to talk to one of them and ask what the fuck it is they wanted". 

When Summers discovered the extent of the conspiracy against her and the other volunteers, she quickly notified the others and instructed them to destroy the memorabilia. 

"We all gathered in this field in Wiltshire at night, everyone, from across the country, and lit a bonfire to burn all the items. It felt very ritualistic, but we thought it was the most sensible option. We all wore masks or balaclavas in case anyone saw us, I wore a Trump mask that had been donated in 2024 after he was re-elected, because the humour in receiving Trump-themed joke gifts had, for some reason, in the space of eight years, slowly dissipated compared to his first election win in 2016. But I kept mine, because i've always found him rather funny-looking, with his big orange face."

The burning was going swimmingly, heaps of Savile-themed merchandise melting into a gooey puddle whilst the volunteers looked on in relief.

"It wasn't just Savile, but most of it was him. We also had heaps of Gary Glitter records, hand-stitched crocheted leg-warmers of Dave Lee Travis' face, and a wax effigy of Cliff Richard that was particularly fun to throw into the blaze, although I did feel a tad guilty when it was later discovered he was innocent. But, in fairness to Cliff, I think even he'd admit his day is done, and the flames consume us all eventually."

"We even organised a barbecue and brought flasks of coffee with us, it was, I regret to say, a rather enjoyable evening until we were interrupted."

Later in the evening, just as the Jimmy Savile-themed pinball machines were burning to a crisp, several of the conspiracy theorists from the 4chan forum arrived and started streaming the proceedings on Twitch, claiming to have caught the cult red-handed. 

"We suddenly smelt this foul stench of BO and Lynx Africa, it was quite overpowering. Hordes of young men gathered and just filmed us, and shone torches in our eyes. One of the boys saw me in my Trump mask and screamed into his phone "IT GOES TO THE TOP, BRO. IT GOES TO THE TOP. DAMN, BRO, IT GOES TO THE TOP." Then he started asking me where Hunter's laptop is, and asking if "Bubba sent me"."

"We told them to fuck off and mind their own business, but they must've seen the remaining pile of Savile-themed items and surmised that we were observing some kind of perverse cult-like ritual. They called the police and we were all detained, because the police are generally inclined towards believing the most acutely-paranoid people in our society, and choose to act on their whims, so long as they organise in an efficient and social media-savvy way."

After being detained for over 3 weeks, the prisoners have now finally been released without charge. 

Summers believes the charity sector is ill-prepared for another incident like the Jimmy Savile-scandal. "I've decided to quit volunteering at the shop now, it's just too much stress for me, every woolly jumper we get donated I feel a wave of anxiety that it might have a famous nonce on the front, and the whole psychodrama will start again. People donate the weirdest crap imaginable, fragments from bygone eras, icons of icons faded and drowned into obscurity, we're swimming in a sea of liquid turds, desperately trying to thrash about and stay above the turds. That's how it feels being a charity shop volunteer in this day and age. If you have a video cassette of Rolf Harris playing the wobble board in a children's hospice aboard a cruise, do me a favour and fucking burn it, don't donate it."

For Eric Mahon, the ordeal was distressing, but has ultimately led to him seeking therapy for his OCD. "I couldn't admit to myself that I had a problem, but this has completely re-framed my outlook on life. The grief I suffered when I had to move these items by the window that were always there, because that's where they were, they were always there, it was, quite simply, a humbling, transformative experience. It forced me to question things on an ontological level, and i'm now a lot more tolerant of items being moved around a bit, or wholly culled from the shelves if they aren't selling well, or if they have child molesters on them".

Jacob Rees-Mogg "In Good Health" After Being Kidnapped by Young Tories

Jacob Rees-Mogg “feared for his life” after being kidnapped by a troop of young Tories, taken to a house in the middle of nowhere and tied to a bed. 

The controversial politician, 56, eventually managed to escape uninjured, apart from one shattered leg. The Conservative Party have today announced an inquiry into the kidnapping, with Kemi Badenoch also announcing plans to vet future Young Conservative members for signs of "excessive and manic devotion to key Conservative figures from the 2010-2024 governments". 

Rees-Mogg is particularly popular among younger Tories who admire his intellect and believe he's a throwback to a more desirable and aesthetically-pleasing era of British life. 

Milo Pimms-Breeding, an Eton graduate and current treasurer of the Cambridge University 19th Century Tory Cosplaying Society, is believed to be the ringleader of the group who lured the politician to an abandoned hut in a remote forest glade and brutalised his leg with a massive hammer. 

The Society put out a statement on Tuesday:

"We do not endorse the kidnapping of key Conservative figures from the 2010-2024 governments. Our members can admittedly be a little over-zealous, and perhaps have the propensity to be idolatrous, hammy shits, but our society serves the purpose of celebrating an era of British political history that we hope shall return someday. A romantic era of Toryism, of restraint, prudence, moral strictness, tight corsets and austere portraits, of verbose speeches, devotion to the true faith, stifled sexual self-awareness and a fondness for the works of Thomas Carlyle."

Rees-Mogg, who in the past has devoted a lot of time to meeting and providing guidance to his young followers, has stated he will only now talk to young Tories behind a window of shatter-proof glass, as a precautionary measure in case his other leg is shattered by a hammer. Conservative Party Chairman Kevin Hollinrake has announced funds will be made available to create a sophisticated glass pod for Rees-Mogg to be carried around in by party workers at the next Conservative Party Conference. 

Letters: 21/9/25- "Where did Young People's Imagination Go?"

News, News, News, News receives over 250,000,000 letters per week, with more than half of them criticising the fact that we don't print letters. With this in mind, being "The People's Newspaper", and the paper of choice for many famous figures, including Miss Hoolie from Balamory, Norman Tebbit and Alex from Glasto, we'd like to take this opportunity to put YOU front and centre, YOU, the British public, you beautiful rag-tag bunch of St.George's flag-waving misfits. Our first letter comes in from Gerry, 81, from Winterton-on-Sea in Norfolk. 

Dear NNNN,

Why do young people nowadays rely on technology to pass the time? My youngest granddaughter is 7 and her face is constantly glued to the screen of her phone, whenever I try to make conversation with her she growls at me like some feral girl-beast and I just leave her to get on with it. If she were my child i'd give her a clip around the ear, but alas, the times have changed and parents now molly-coddle their children until they become pathetic, glowing, gelatinous globules that melt on exposure to sunlight. 

I worry about the consequences this technology will have on her brain and whether her cognitive functions will become impaired, or whether she'll have a brain at all in 3 years and it won't just evaporate into a fleshy puddle. 

When I was a child, all we had to play with was half a brick, a piece of string and our own tears, dried and preserved in resin. Our imaginative faculties were so razor-sharp that we could create vast, cloud-capped kingdoms out of very little. 

These early flights of the imagination have been hugely important to me throughout my life, meaning that I can sit here, aged 81, writing letters to newspapers all day without needing assistance. I worry that when my granddaughter turns 81, she'll just be an insentient blobfish being fed yoghurt through a tube. 

I worry that somewhere along the way we unknowingly led our younger generations astray and poisoned their brains with all manner of digitised horror. The only time I remember watching a screen growing up was going to the cinema to see a newsreel of Anthony Eden resigning, I was enthralled from start to finish and begged my parents to show me more Prime Ministerial resignations, but they gave me a clip round the ear and told me to stop disgracing myself.

My childhood was spent pond-dipping, riding my bike down quiet country lanes, reading about Roman emperors and watching my father, a carpenter, at work in his shed. It was bucolic bliss, simple, blessed and innocent, it made me the man I am today, a passionate, imaginative, free soul, free from anxiety and devoted to living my best life. 

Our grandchildren's generation are not being adequately prepared for the challenges they'll face in the world today, they're being indoctrinated by an intricate network of underwater internet cables, flooding millions of ghastly images into their underdeveloped, febrile minds. These images are transforming them into impotent, zombie-like idlers, relying on the state to give them a helping hand and sucking in vulgar, insipid caffeinated drinks with a twirly straw whilst laughing at elderly people falling into hedgerows. 

I'd say we have 10 years to save our imagination. 10 years to save the souls of our children. We don't owe them anything, we've given them life, after all, but it's our responsibility, us, the untainted ones, to sanctify them and free them from becoming odious, fatty blobs being washed ashore and picked at by gulls.  

I'd also like to announce the winner of the Winterton-on-Sea summer fete scarecrow contest from 2nd September. Joanna and Steve from Marigold Cottage are this year's winner, their Tom Baker Dr Who scarecrow thoroughly impressed the village and we'd like to congratulate them on their hard work! All money raised from the fete will go to restoring the church roof, we'd like to thank everyone who committed their time and dedication to this year's fete. It was truly a roaring success!

Yours sincerely,

Gerry

 

British Government to Ban the Phrase "It's Hot, Isn't it?"

The British government, working in lockstep with the Met Office have today announced they intend to ban the phrase "It's hot, isn't it?" over fears it may be used as code by climate activists to fuel subversion. 

The phrase itself is uttered by the majority of British people when the temperature exceeds 18 degrees and is widely-considered to be a handy conversation starter for people who have little to say to each other and have a general contempt for humanity. 

A recent report by the ICSTAESP (Institute for Conversation and Small Talk Amongst English Speaking Peoples) found that people are more likely to start conversations if the weather is noticeably colder or hotter than average, and that mentioning the weather acts as a sort of social lubricant, or icebreaker. Professor Jayne Natter of Sheffield Hallam University spent a year observing how people initiate conversation by standing at bus stops.

"I'd say I did at least 2,000 bus stops, spread across the country, avoiding the shithole towns, of course! I found it's usually older people who glance around them, looking for someone to engage with, then they'll casually say "it's hot, isn't it?", almost like pitching a fishing rod into a lake to see who'll respond."

Natter noticed that as soon as the phrase was uttered, everyone at the bus stop seemed to noticeably relax and seem more at ease with being around strangers and people of different social classes, races and ages. 

"I'd liken it to an incantation, or a spell being cast if I was a hippy, spiritual fruitcake and not a woman of science and hard facts, which is what I am. It had a lubricating effect, and a ripple effect, people were glad someone pointed out how hot it is, perhaps the act of someone pointing out the obvious empowered the more reticent bus stop-dwellers to share their relative discomfort at the weather too. It's possible the people who say the phrase "It's hot, isn't it?" are knowingly fomenting revolution."

Natter's study caught the eye of ministers and the intelligence services who perceived the phrase to carry "subversive and malicious" intent, claiming it could be used to incite widespread social unrest and eventually violent revolution. 

A spokesperson for the government told NNNN: "We believe the phrase is being used by so-called activists to incite terrorism and overthrow His Majesty's government. Anyone who uses this phrase should expect a harsh response from police and anti-terrorism units. We realise some people may believe the phrase "It's hot, isn't it?" to be rather innocuous, but I can assure you it's a slippery slope and it's best to nip these people in the bud before they become hardened terrorists."

The ban has already led to over 10 million people being arrested on the streets of Britain. Those detained are disproportionately people above 65, most claiming they were unaware of the ban and were merely commenting on the recent heatwave. 

Gerald Thwaites, an 83 year old retired horticulturalist from Epsom, Surrey was arrested by 4 police officers whilst watering the pansies in his front garden. 

"It took me by surprise, as you can imagine! Four police officers strolled up to me, asked my name, then tackled me to the ground and said you're under arrest for inciting terrorism! Funny the things you prioritise when you're being attacked, I wasn't thinking about myself, my wife, and certainly not my grandchildren, but my pansies and who'd water them if I'm gone! Thankfully my wife was inside and she'd never say "it's hot, isn't it?" because she's from Egypt, you see? So this weather's mild for her. One of life's silver linings, I suppose. I hope I get to see her again".

Leading right-wing figures have blamed the ban on "woke, leftie, PC warriors who want to erode free speech" whilst also praising the government for cracking down on "woke climate warriors who want us all to have woke solar panels, ride woke bikes and eat fucking woke tofu stuffed with woke kale and woke avocado". 

Leading left-wing figures also responded to the ban, but we here at NNNN would like to say a massive thank you to BNP Paribas for being ever so generous with the summer party and silent disco they threw for our employees last week on a rooftop in South Kensington. A boozy time was had by all. Long live BNP Paribas!

Gareth Southgate is Pure Evil, According to Scientists

Gareth Southgate embodies the purest essence of evil. This is according to scientists who've studied the England manager for over 3 years as part of a tax payer-funded experiment to study the essence of pure evil on a chemical level.

Researchers at the University of Cockfosters, Berkeley published their findings in Lancet, the medical journal, on Friday, but made it clear in an accompanying press release that Mr. Southgate, to their knowledge, has not perpetrated any crimes, and should not be treated any differently by the British public despite the findings of this study. 

Several public figures were examined within the parameters of the experiment, but none matched the criteria set forth by the researchers, though some are said to have come close. when pressed by NNNN, the researchers revealed Lucy Worsley was, for a long time, thought to embody pure evil, though this was later disproved after several unsolicited blood tests. 

Professor Chris Whitty described the findings to NNNN as a "huge step toward discovering a cure for evil".

"It's a truly revolutionary study, one which will save a lot of lives. Scientists have always endeavoured to grab hold of abstract concepts and sculpt them into tangible, quantifiable truths. No challenge is too big or too soul-destroying for us. In fact, the soul is our next target! Nothing can stop us and nothing can stop the findings of this experiment being used to justify heinous and draconian laws aimed at the regular man on the street."

Whitty also believes it's imperative that Southgate is allowed to live a simple and free life, despite the fact that scientists have discovered he's evil. 

"He (Southgate) has done nothing. I realise the headlines will lead people to believe that he's murdered someone or sipped blood from a dead nun's arm in a morgue using a twirly straw, but we have to make clear he's completely innocent. It's a situation of great nuance and subtlety.”

Whitty also wishes to clarify that Southgate is by no means a psychopath,

“He’s as much of a psychopath as Winnie the Pooh is, so we don’t have to worry about that. Being intrinsically evil is much different to being a psychopath or a sociopath. Southgate doesn’t possess any sort of mental disorder or display any violent tendencies. He’s not in any way controlling or manipulative, hell, he’s not even particularly charming or charismatic. He’s just evil, pure and simple. We don’t have to explain our findings, shut up.”

Southgate was contacted by NNNN for a response, but chose not to reply. The FA have announced that they intend to keep Southgate on as England manager, despite the negative press coverage.

England captain Harry Kane announced his support for Southgate in an Instagram post, saying: “A lot of bad press surrounding our gaffer and his ingrained evil nature. Just want to say he has our full support as a team. The gaffer’s never done anything to suggest he’s evil to his very core. Frankly, it was Roy Hodgson who’s the evil one, he once made me take corner kicks against Iceland at Euro 2016, absolutely bloody evil!”

New Evidence Suggests Churchill Was a Secret Vaper

New evidence uncovered by the archaeological department of the University of Cockfosters, Berkeley suggests Britain’s wartime Prime Minister Winston Churchill, contrary to popular belief, favoured the vape, over the cigar. 

The astonishing find has been the culmination of 40 years of work carried out by UOCB, headed by Professor Thom Yorke (not that one). Remnants of what are thought to be Elfbar vape pens were found stashed in a small snuff box beneath a staircase in Chartwell, Churchill’s country residence. 

Thom Yorke (not that one), describes the find as ‘truly astonishing’ and ‘once in a lifetime’.

“Churchill’s a bit of a hero of mine, I must admit! We had an inkling all those years ago that the great man wasn’t as partial to cigars as people may believe. I’ve always harboured a ceaseless curiosity and an appetite for discovery. I always looked at those famous photographs of Churchill with his cigar and thought he looked a bit wayward, a bit ill-at-ease. Perhaps it was just intuition, but I always suspected, even if it was at the back of my mind, that Winston favoured the vape. I’ve spent 40 years of my life trying to uncover this evidence. As this is a public service, I feel it’s been time well-spent."

Using the latest technology, Thom Yorke (not that one) and his team can create a fairly accurate model of what the Elfbar would’ve looked like, though the flavour of the Elfbar will unfortunately be obscured by history. 

“That is certainly a sticking point, and a ruddy disappointing one. We would’ve loved to know what the old boy’s preferred flavours were. One of my team did happen upon a quote in one of Stanley Baldwin’s private secretary’s notebooks describing how Clementine (Churchill’s wife) once asked for a solitary slice of lemon in her water when the Churchills were dining with the Baldwin’s at Chartwell. You see, this may seem inconsequential to you, but to us this was utterly illuminating. It suggests Churchill may have opted for the lemon flavour, or, and this is the really interesting perspective, perhaps he chose to eschew the lemon flavour precisely because it was a flavour his wife was fond of. You see, other than archaelogical know-how, one needs to have an adequate understanding of psychology and marital politics. I’ve come to accept i’ll go to my grave without knowing these things, and that fucking eats me up inside.”

In the popular imagination, Churchill has become synonymous with cigars, alongside Che Guevara, George S. Patton and Jimmy Savile. It is said the statesman and author first smoked cigars whilst fighting in Cuba, with Cuban cigars quickly becoming his favourite, especially the Romeo y Julieta and La Aroma de Cuba brands. 

"Churchill was very conscious of his image, he's very modern in that respect" opines Thom Yorke (not that one), "The cigar-smoking certainly formed part of his larger-than-life, ebullient character, though of course with this new evidence we can imagine how hard it was for Winston to keep up the charade. He must've posed for the photograph, cigar in mouth, then spat it out, coughed and gone to bed in a huff. He probably took great lengths to hide the vape pens, lest the press or his political friends find out his dirty little secret".

Some of the team at UOCB have suggested Churchill hid the vapes in his black dog, which, up until now, was thought to be a metaphorical dog used to describe Churchill's sporadic deep depressive spells. Researchers have posited a theory that the dog was actually real and was used to unceremoniously stash the PMs e-cigarettes and the occasional wank mag, probably within the dog's anus. The researchers received a large black dog from an anonymous donor and conducted several highly disturbing tests to gauge how many Elfbars would fit in the dog's rectum, before abruptly giving up the months-long experiment, owing to lack of funds.

Vaping is essentially the same to smoking, but with an electronic cigarette, known as a vape. It's popularly known to be a habit of younger people, and people who are attempting to quit tobacco cigarettes. It's been derided by the older generation and your right-wing mother-in-law as a symbol of 'hipster culture' and 'wokeness'. 

The news that Churchill favoured the vape has led many older conservative Churchill-enthusiasts, Boris Johnson among them, to surround Lake Windemere in the Lake District to link arms and slowly descend into the icy waters, singing 'Rule Britannia' as they plunge themselves into the deep. The event was covered by BBC's political correspondent Nick Robinson who described the event as 'sobering, but inevitable'. 

Meanwhile vape sales have gone through the roof with younger conservatives, wishing to emulate their political hero. At the same time, cigar sales have also sky-rocketed due to young left-wingers feeling liberated to reclaim cigars as a symbol of working class culture. Political scientists and sociologists are baffled by the occurrence, but all agree the market is never wrong and should never be questioned. 

Principality of Monaco to Send All Economic Migrants to Rwanda as Part of New Immigration Crackdown

The Principality of Monaco, known for it's tax-exempt status and abundance of billionaires, will attempt to stem the flow of uber-rich migrants attempting to cross the border from France by forcibly sending them to the African nation of Rwanda in a move which mirrors the UK's current proposal. 

The country, which is the size of Hyde Park yet has the largest concentration of billionaires per square mile, is becoming an increasingly popular destination for tax exiles fleeing their countries' tax schemes. A notable recent example is Britain's richest man Jim Ratcliffe. 

A spokesperson for the Principality, Francois Frisson-Bleu said that Monaco is 'sick to the teeth of uber-rich migrants floating into our shores, taking our mansions, marrying our woman and corrupting our country's DNA pool." 

"We were just fine before they came along with their diamond-studded Rolex watches and their Italian suits. If you ask me, it was that Grace Kelly what started it and all. Before she arrived we were simple agrarian folk, living off the land, chewin' our corn, making an honest living. Then all these rich bastards came over and changed the complexion of our dear little country. How dare they? Now, i'm not one of these bigots you read about in The Guardian, but I truly think we were better off before these rich cunts arrived."

The Principality has responded to the anti-migrant sentiment by announcing that all economic migrants wishing to establish a new home in the tiny nation, will instead be sent to the African nation of Rwanda. 

"Send them to Rwanda!" cries Frisson-Bleu, "If you ask me, and I realise no one ever does, this policy is genius! It's not just a trumped-up, populist, ill-thought through piece of propaganda which will damage vulnerable people's lives!"

Jim Ratcliffe, hoping to become Manchester United's new owner, has responded by purchasing Rwanda itself and completely obliterating the country, thereby making it impossible for Monaco to send him there. When asked for comment, Ratcliffe's representatives sent a photo-copied picture of Ratcliffe's arsecheeks.