Gareth Southgate represents the purest essence of evil. This is according to scientists who've studied the England manager for over 3 years as part of a tax payer-funded experiment to study the essence of pure evil on a chemical level.
Researchers at the University of Cockfosters, Berkeley published their findings in Lancet, the medical journal, on Friday, but made it clear in an accompanying press release that Mr. Southgate, to their knowledge, has not perpetrated any crimes, and should not be treated any differently by the British public despite the findings of this study.
Several public figures were examined within the parameters of the experiment, but none matched the criteria set forth by the researchers, though some are said to have come close. when pressed by NNNN, the researchers revealed Lucy Worsley was, for a long time, thought to embody pure evil, though this was later disproved after several unsolicited blood tests.
Professor Chris Whitty described the findings to NNNN as a "huge step toward discovering a cure for evil".
"It's a truly revolutionary study, one which will save a lot of lives. Scientists have always endeavoured to grab hold of abstract concepts and sculpt them into tangible, quantifiable truths. No challenge is too big or too soul-destroying for us. In fact, the soul is our next target! Nothing can stop us and nothing can stop the findings of this experiment being used to justify heinous and draconian laws aimed at the regular man on the street."
Whitty also believes it's imperative that Southgate is allowed to live a simple and free life, despite the fact that scientists have discovered he's evil.
"He (Southgate) has done nothing. I realise the headlines will lead people to believe that he's murdered someone or sipped blood from a dead nun's arm in a morgue using a twirly straw, but we have to make clear he's completely innocent. It's a situation of great nuance and subtlety.”
Whitty also wishes to clarify that Southgate is by no means a psychopath,
“He’s as much of a psychopath as Winnie the Pooh is, so we don’t have to worry about that. Being intrinsically evil is much different to being a psychopath or a sociopath. Southgate doesn’t possess any sort of mental disorder or display any violent tendencies. He’s not in any way controlling or manipulative, hell, he’s not even particularly charming or charismatic. He’s just evil, pure and simple. We don’t have to explain our findings, shut up.”
Southgate was contacted by NNNN for a response, but chose not to reply. The FA have announced that they intend to keep Southgate on as England manager, despite the negative press coverage.
England captain Harry Kane announced his support for Southgate in an Instagram post, saying: “A lot of bad press surrounding our gaffer and his ingrained evil nature. Just want to say he has our full support as a team. The gaffer’s never done anything to suggest he’s evil to his very core. Frankly, it was Roy Hodgson who’s the evil one, he once made me take corner kicks against Iceland at Euro 2016, absolutely bloody evil!”
