From the Archive will dig up old News, News, News, News articles from throughout the publication's history. NNNN has been operating since before historical records began, making it the World's oldest continuously-running newspaper. The origins of NNNN are unknown, but one theory suggests it was created by a cabal of stoned apes who bemoaned the quality of journalism in the prehistoric era. This theory claims that the apes wished to document important events in the lives of their communities, and to investigate and report on major geopolitical crises.
The first article in this series is dated September 19th 1886, and concerns the Scottish novelist Robert Louis Stevenson.
Robert Louis Stevenson Angered By 'Jekyll and Hyde' Fans Swarming 'Kidnapped' Book Signing
Report by Aaron Kosminski, Whitechapel
This Sunday, novelist and poet Mr. Robert Louis Stevenson attended a book signing at Samuel Johnson & Son's Bookshop in Marylebone. Mr. Stevenson was finely-dressed in a three-piece suit and stovepipe hat. The acclaimed author arrived at the venue 20 minutes early as to avoid the onslaught of over-zealous literary fans swarming his carriage.
Mr Stevenson's tactic was doomed to failure, though, as the fans had suspected the author's early arrival. The fans, mainly younger ladies from the upper echelons of society, are said to be of a 'reckless disposition' and 'maintain a frenzied devotion to Mr Stevenson'.
This sudden eruption of popularity for the writer has arisen since the publication of 'The Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde' earlier this year. The novella, about a lawyer who investigates strange occurrences between his friend, Dr Henry Jekyll and the evil Edward Hyde, examines the dual nature which is said to exist within us. The concepts portrayed in the book are believed to have excited and mesmerized a particularly enthusiastic contingent of literary young ladies, many of whom have taken to stalking the famous author outside his Edinburgh home.
One studious young lady told News, News, News, News that she's read the book seventeen times and regularly writes long letters to Mr Stevenson concerning minor, obscure details from the book. "I send Robert fabric from my petticoat, along with a lock of my hair with the letter. It comforts me to think that Robert has touched a part of me. I do so long for his roving hands on my delicate bosom, methinks his hands be delicate and warm and stained with the most expensive ink. I would harpoon threescore and twenty men at sea if it meant sniffing a lock of Robert's hair. I care not for your judging eyes, I am resolved to make an honest man of him, I will have his hand in marriage and if I do see any harlot in his arms, I will slaughter the both of em'".
Before Mr Stevenson could enter the bookshop, an endless sea of screaming young women propelled themselves onto him and his entourage. The horses that pulled his carriage were spooked and proceeded to rampage through the crowd, rendering 15 dead and many seriously injured. Before the author was able to sign even one copy of his much-anticipated new novel 'Kidnapped', the owner of the bookshop, Mr Harold Pennywise, decided to cut the event short, much to the chagrin of a few older gentlemen and ladies who had been waiting quietly for a signed copy.
Mr Stevenson was then escorted out through the back entrance with his suit draped over his head to avoid being recognised. This gambit also proved fatal. A few dozen eager fans had suspected Stevenson's escape from this exit and had gathered at the doorway. As the writer exited, one fan leapt onto him and stole his pocket watch, whilst another plunged a quill into his face, asking him to sign her copy of 'Jekyll and Hyde'. Many posters have been erected around town inquiring as to the whereabouts of Mr Stevenson's pocket watch. Only one man, who used the alias 'Jack', has replied, he claims he saw a young maiden hide it in her undergarments, and, upon following her for seven days, witnessed her sell it alongside other wares at the Sunday market.
When asked by News, News, News, News for comment, Mr Stevenson sent the following short letter:
"Dear Mr Journalist,
You mock me to bring up such a futile and ridiculous matter. There is, in case one hasn't noticed, a severe shortage of ink up here in Scotland, precisely due to the unnecessary and overly-liberal exchange of letters between literary persons.
But, if I must comment on these farcical proceedings, I feel it necessary to issue a warning to my so-called 'fans'. I am sick to the teeth of finding starved, semi-naked young ladies camping out in the tree in my back garden. I cannot continue to bear witness to the depravity and the torturous obsession that stains these poor women's souls. I am merely a writer, and a man. I should not need seven large pugilists to patrol my estate at nighttime, searching for ladies of ill repute loitering and waiting for me to make an appearance. There once was, I feel implored to admit, a part of me which would have relished such unadulterated female devotion, but when one is in the thick of it, one's standards and one's need for self-preservation take priority over one's ego.
I feel I also need to remind those fans that I do have other books. My new book, Kidnapped, is currently available in all self-respecting bookshops. I quite literally wrote The Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde whilst seated on the privy. It was over in a matter of minutes, I am that good. I could whip out seven or eight 'Jekyll and Hydes' a year and you would all lap it up. Your enthusiasm, whilst strangely flattering and much appreciated, is killing innocent people. And I hope not to open my trusty copy of News, News, News, News every morning and read of more deaths related to my book. Read something else, maybe 'Pamela' by the great Samuel Richardson. But, I implore you, when you discover the joys of Pamela, do not dig up Mr Richardson and steal his pocket watch, you damned thieves!
My Sincere Felicitations,
Robert Louis Stevenson
