News, News, News, News, Words, Words, Words, Words with Lexicographer Volumnia Clifford-Bayonet

That's right, my erudite little elves! News, News, News, News now has an official lexicographer! The search was long and tiresome, but they finally found someone with at least two GCSEs and at least a basic ability to string a sentences togethers. One of my many linguistic passions is delving into the rich history of the English language to find novel and extinct phrases where the origins of said phrase is hotly-disputed. Most of the these phrases would have been used everyday by normal, working people of centuries past, it really brings home how ephemeral and fleeting our language is. We must grasp it like an apple hanging from a tree by a dangerous and frosty ravine in the Swiss Alps. Once we've set sail on our journey of linguistic discovery, we won't regret taking the leap. So join me, my insatiable wordlets, let's leap into the unknown! I'm Volumnia Clifford-Bayonet and this is my column and no one else's.

Bishop's handwriting

When one writes in an overly ecclesiastical and spiritually verbose way. e.g. "You better watch yourself, Seamus, don't get all high and mighty there with your Bishop's handwriting, Reverend Prunethorne will give you a right seeing to."

This may have originated in the 18th century when undercover Jacobites used to steal sermons being prepared by vicars and amend the wording to include concealed blasphemies. Stories tell of vicars unknowingly preaching about giving women and working class people the vote, abolishing public executions, allowing the publishing of erotic literature, and cancelling HS2 and compensating all the families affected. 

Pricking the Nobleman's Coffers With One's Stick

When one is overly sycophantic around a gentleman of high-standing. e.g. "You better watch yourself,  Mary Beth, you'll get a nasty clip round the ear if he thinks you're pricking the nobleman's coffers with one's stick!"

This is believed to have originated in the Edwardian era when servants used ask their employers for better pay and working conditions. The Times of London managed to dissuade the employers from displaying kindness and indulging the staff by coining this phrase, thereby saving the aristocracy a tuppence or two. 

Riding One's Whippet Round the Maypole

When one is spoiling the fun for the other children by ruining the playing equipment. e.g. "You better watch yourself, Roscoe, you don't want the other parents to think you're riding your whippet round the maypole"

The consensus among us lexicographers (we don't often find consensus, Susie Dent once mailed me a horse's head with the words "Your sesquipedalian loquaciousness is impermeable proof of your intrinsic ingordigiousness" branded on it's face.) is that this phrase clearly originated in the Victorian era. Interestingly the origin of the phrase 'dancing around the maypole' is thought to have a rather disturbing backstory. Men in 16th century London were tied to ropes surrounding a maypole situated in the House of Commons, ploughed with mead and made to run round in circles for 5 hours before being released and made to perform for the MPs' pleasure, stumbling about in a dizzy, drunken stupor as the landed gentry scoffed and jeered at them. This is thought to be why MPs to this day laugh and make loud, wailing sounds whilst debating policies which affect poor people. 

Flirting With the Buoys 

When one veers too far out to sea on an inflatable dinghy. e.g. "You better watch yourself, Consuela, don't let me catch you flirting with the buoys."

The first record of someone using this term is thought to be in 1890s Whitby, England. Grizzly old bearded fishermen would warn the children playing on the beaches to avoid 'flirting with the buoys', meaning to not swim out too far. Some believe it also meant to avoid love-making whilst at sea, for fear of sea-sickness. During the 1890s in particular there were a large number of offshore gay communities operating outside the purview of the law. This theory was once portrayed in a now lost 1955 BBC sitcom 'The Sailor Went to Sea, Sea, Sea, to See Who He Could Sodomise". This was the 1950s, remember, homosexuality was still illegal and it's believed this sitcom was commissioned by the Conservative government of the time as anti-gay propaganda. 

Incinerating the Groom's Nunchuks 

When one conspires with one's groom's parents to persuade him not to go on a night out. e.g. "You better watch yourself, Maximilian, she may be incinerating the groom's nunchuks as we speak". 

A lexicographer friend of mine suggested this term originated during the 80s when English football fans were particularly troublesome when traveling abroad. Wives would start to shred their plane tickets to avoid paying for bail every time their husbands got thrown into a Greek prison cell. 

Eating Spam With Mr Anderson

When one's mother warns you not to become like her weird, survivalist, conspiracy theorist brother who lives in an air-raid shelter. e.g. "You better watch yourself, Kenneth, you don't want to end up like ol' Graham out there, eating spam with Mr Anderson."

It's not known whether this became a saying during or after the second world war, but it first became widely popularised on the 1954 BBC sitcom 'Keep the Home Friars Burning', about a group of mischievous friars shining torches in the streets during blackouts and being the bane of the town. No taping of the sitcom survives. 

Placing One's Head in Mr Peterson's Nards

When one discovers a new faux-intellectual YouTuber and becomes insufferable around the dinner table talking about him. e.g. "You better watch yourself, Ethan, it's beginning to look like you're placing your head in Mr Peterson's Nards." 

Not entirely sure of the origin of this one, though it was possibly a phrase used by the Bloomsbury Group of the early 20th century.