Russian President and international pariah Vladimir Putin has received considerable press coverage in the last week. A lot of the coverage is down to his decision to invade neighbouring Ukraine, a move which has caused international condemnation and a staggering array of economic sanctions aimed at crippling the Russian economy. But a lot of attention has also been paid to the former KGB officer's table meetings with various foreign leaders, including Emmanuel Macron and Olaf Scholz.
The pictures released show President Putin at the head of an approximately 8 metres long table, with his guest at the other end. The images have been widely lampooned by various satirical outlets, but several analysts who know Mr Putin intimately have suggested there may be another reason for this eccentric setting.
Sergei Shukmeyov, a childhood friend and spiritual advisor to Mr Putin, told NNNN that the President has a keen interest in feng shui, which, according to Wikipedia is an 'ancient Chinese traditional practice which claims to use energy forces to harmonize individuals with their surrounding environment'.
"Vladders is super into that kind of stuff. Sorry, we call him Vladders, shouldn't really let that little tidbit out, might have me killed! Ha ha, oh, but it's alright, it's fine, it's fine. I'm fine"
Shukmeyov introduced the future president to feng shui back when the two were attending Sambo classes back in the 1970s. Sambo, an offense-based martial art which originated in Russia, is a particularly grueling martial art to learn, so Shukmeyov was eager to befriend at least one other class member to feel less isolated.
"It was five 3 hour sessions a week in this same bleak, colourless military basement in Leningrad, things were so very intense, one could feel very alone, very isolated. I needed to make some sort of connection with someone, I tried befriending a large gentleman named Yuri by patting him on the back and complimenting him on how much sweat his pectoral muscles could produce, but this just made things awkward between us and nothing really blossomed from there."
After a few months of failing in his attempts to spark a connection with someone, Shukmeyov finally met Putin, then in his early 20s.
"He came out of nowhere, like a nuclear warhead designed by Randy Orton. I remember thinking "Who is this shy, almost alien-like guy? And what's he doing in a class like this? Perhaps he meant to attend the samba class next door, this was a common mistake, one which lead to many babushkas seeking out a new hobby instead becoming hardened killers."
"I struck up a conversation with him and we quickly built up a rapport. I guessed right from the start that he was a Libra and I wasn't wrong! It was pretty darn obvious, he's, like, super Libra, in everything he does."
Shukmeyov and Putin shared common interests including of course martial arts, but also fishing, Russian history, bears, chest hair and meticulously thought-out 50-year life goals.
"I thought he had the aura of a man who's always 700 steps ahead of you. Like an older brother who knows all the cheat codes on a video game but is too smug to tell his younger brother because he likes knowing something he doesn't."
The Russian president first read about feng shui when his housekeeper Olga moved his desk a few inches in early 2014, which gave him the spiritual energy and positivity needed to annex Crimea. He reached out to Shukmeyov, who'd by then become a homeless recluse, to become his spiritual advisor.
"I went from lying on the streets of Kazan to sitting in a diamond-encrusted bed-chamber in Putin's private quarters. I occupied the room next to his so that I could be close at hand in case he had a spiritual breakdown. You would not believe how many nuclear wars i've prevented. He can be such a diva! Goodness, I really shouldn't be saying this, he will have me castrated! But it's fine, it's fine, it's fine, i'm fine".
One of Shukmeyov's many responsibilities was to suggest books for the president to read, these included works by Tony Robbins, Elizabeth Gilbert, Deepak Chopra & Hillary Clinton. Shukmeyov believes Putin interfered in the 2016 US presidential election not because he wanted Trump to win, but because he thought the presidency would be bad for Hillary, who he has a private affinity with.
"You won’t see it written in the newspapers, but Vlad is very much seen as a ‘Mother Goose’ among world leaders. He’s constantly giving support to leaders of all political persuasions, from Evo Morales to Viktor Orban. He keeps at least 100 copies of Michelle Obama’s ‘Becoming’ in the boot of his favourite tank in case he needs to send it to a struggling demagogue.”
Putin reportedly became obsessed with the methods of Japanese organising consultant Marie Kondo upon seeing her acclaimed Netflix series ‘Tidying up With Marie Kondo’. Kondo’s method, known as the ‘KonMari Method’, involves gathering all of one’s belongings and keeping only the things that ‘spark joy’.
Shukmeyov noticed a seismic change in Putin’s living habits and worldview. “His palace used to be cluttered with all sorts of stuff, vases, ornamental milk dishes, taxidermied cobras, naked cossack erotica. I once tripped over and destroyed Nikita Khrushchev’s life mask and blamed it on Alexander Litvinenko, goodness knows what Vlad would do if he found out that was me, but it’s ok, i’m fine, i’m fine, i’m fine, i’m fine.”
Objects around Putin’s residence started to frequently move around and also disappear. “The space started to become less cluttered and far more organised, it was like a brilliant miracle at first because i’d been hassling him to sort it all out for years. But then all the constant rearranging of the furniture, the paintings, even the doors and air vents, started to frustrate me and the servants.”
Servants and cleaners familiar with certain doorways started to open doors and fall into a vast white vacuum due to Putin’s obsessive rearranging.
“We even had a foreign dignitary from Georgia wake up in the morning and roll out of bed to find there was no floor. He’s still suspended in an infinite nothingness.”
Shukmeyov worries Putin’s obsession with rearranging will have dire consequences for the geopolitical complexion of the planet. “First it was South Ossetia, then Crimea, now Ukraine. He has these gut instincts that certain things should be organised in a certain way to alleviate stress and de-clutter his soul. Unfortunately, whereas most of us would simply move a footstall, or a bin in our living rooms, for a world leader like Vlad, that means annexing and invading territory, getting rid of people he doesn’t like and re-drawing maps to suite his most urgent spiritual needs, you couldn’t write this shit. It’s fucked up, man, we’re all going to shit, but it’s fine, i’m fine, i’m fine, i’m fine, i’m fine, i’m fine. I’m not fine. Help me.
