Sir Keir Starmer Denies Allegations of Him Being an Arsenal Fan

Labour leader Sir Keir Starmer has today rubbished the allegations of him being a supporter of football club Arsenal F.C. The allegations, which first surfaced as part of a eight month-long Guardian investigation, have sent shock waves throughout the political establishment, with some calling for the leader of the opposition to resign, or be killed with a mace. 

The tax payer-funded investigation released it's findings on Wednesday evening after Prime Minister's Questions to avoid accusations of political bias in the timing of the release. Mr Starmer's constituency office, his house and his Mondeo were immediately targeted by protesters demanding a response from a man considered a 'prime minister in waiting'. The Labour leader, who's held the position since 2020, was quickly escorted, along with his family, to a safe house located in the village of Langwathby in Cumbria, next to the chicken processing factory. 

Justice Secretary Demonic Wrath has called the allegations 'putrid and sadistic', and 'beyond the realms of any decent person's wildest imagination'. Culture secretary and former I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here! contestant Nadine Dorries described hearing the news as 'like being hit by nunchuks in a darkened crypt'. 

Prime minister Boris Johnson, currently in Rwanda for the Commonwealth Heads of Government meeting, announced in a press conference his intention to enforce a long-overdue police crackdown on Arsenal fans. Home secretary Priti Patel, currently in Transylvania on a confidential trip, was optimistic about a new law being passed within days. All 650 Members of Parliament have publicly announced they'll vote for the new laws to pass, even reformed Arsenal fan and former Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn, who critics believe is just trying to make peace with God and repent his past sins as an Arsenal supporter.

Mr Starmer's statement, which was communicated via motion capture by the actor Andy Serkis outside the Old Bailey, reads: 

"These allegations are blatantly untrue and clearly politically-motivated. I have never, and will never support Arsenal Football Club, and have never associated with anyone who does. I intend to fight these allegations in the only way I know how, cautiously, meticulously and with contained, blandly-delivered oratory."

Following Mr Starmer's statement, the Guardian released photographs of the Labour leader in an Arsenal shirt, along with past quotes referencing his love of Arsenal. A spokesperson for Mr Starmer doubted the authenticity of the photos and claimed Mr Starmer was joking when he made those comments. 

"Those comments were clearly intended as a joke. This is a terrifying indictment of the failing standards of British comedy of the last 30 years. Our national sense of humour has seemingly been dumbed down to such a degree that Mrs. Brown's Boys is now a sitcom considered a national institution. Whatever happened to Monty Python, Not the Nine O' Clock News, The Frost Report, Beyond the Fringe, The Day Today, Brass Eye, A Bit of Fry and Laurie, Bruiser, Smack the Pony, The Fast Show, Big Train, Ruddy Hell! It's Harry and Paul, Alas Smith and Jones, The Armando Iannucci Show, French and Saunders, The Smell of Reeves and Mortimer, The Armstrong & Miller Show, The Mighty Boosh, Not Only... But Also, This Morning With Richard, Not Judy and Fist of Fun?"

Arsenal Football Club, when asked for comment, welcomed the news and called Keir Starmer 'a shining, glistening light in these dark times of cancel culture and political correctness'. Manager Mikel Arteta reportedly rang Mr Starmer to offer his support. GCHQ are alleged to have been listening into the call, which was leaked to the Daily Star earlier today. The transcript of the call reads:

Mikel Arteta (MA): Comrade Starmer! Ah, my friend, I congratulate you on your balls.

Keir Starmer (KS): My balls?

MA: Yes, comrade! Your balls, your big, big balls. Your big, brave guts to speak out and give us your support!

KS: Oh, yes, of course, yes, thank you, Mr Arteta, to be frank with you, it wasn't meant to come out this way. 

MA: How do you mean, comrade? 

KS: Well, it was meant to be secret, I hoped for it to remain that way for at least 120 years, or at least until society is more tolerant and accepting, and this is no longer seen as such a stigma.

MA: Stigma? No, no, my friend, you are a lion! You have done something which will ripple down the generations, see? Because of you, children all over the world will not have to live in fear of being shunned for their footballing affiliations. No longer will men be put in stocks, no longer will women have to fear the scold's bridal. No longer will Piers Morgan have to repress his mediocre white male rage and live in shame for supporting our club. Because of you, my friend, Piers Morgan will experience a long and protracted emotional ejaculation the likes of which have never been experienced before. And for that, I thank you.

KS: Well, goodness, thank you, Mikel. I, I didn't consider the consequences of what my speaking out could achieve. I guess I was so hung up on presenting myself as an electorally-viable, centrist, milque-toast, dull-as-dishwater alternative to the chaos of the Johnson government, I didn't realise telling the truth and being myself could have such far-reaching consequences. 

MA: It's alright, comrade, I know the pressures of being a leader. Every day I have The Queen in my ear, suggesting I give Eddie Nketiah a chance to lead the front line, or bring William Saliba back from his loan spell at Marseille to strengthen our defence, it's insufferable. One cannot always be a people-pleaser, but one must persist, one must fight on and never surrender. Never! Never! Never!

KS: The Queen? The Queen is an Arsenal fan? 

MA: Oh yes! The biggest. Imagine if that came out, comrade? It'd be anarchy in the streets.

KS: Christ above.

MA: Anyway, comrade, I need to resume contract talks with Gabriel Jesus, he wants us to insert a clause where he's allowed free trips to the British Museum and the V&A. We're trying to tell him they're free of charge, but he's so stubborn. 

KS: Okay, Mr Arteta, listen, thank you so much for your call, you are a beacon of strength for us Arsenal supporters, a warrior, you go girl!

(Hangs up)

The news that the Queen is also an Arsenal fan was quickly drowned out by a slew of gaudy, sensationalist headlines about Meghan, Duchess of Sussex like "MEGHAN IS BAD! MEGHAN IS BAD! DON'T PAY ATTENTION TO THE RECENT NEWS THAT THE QUEEN IS A DIRTY, ROTTEN ARSENAL FAN! MEGHAN IS BAD, MEGHAN IS BAD. SHE KILLS KITTENS! MEGHAN IS BAD!"

the Labour Party have announced a leadership contest is imminent. Shadow Health Secretary and Wetherspoons barman who always IDs regulars Wes Streeting is considered the front-runner. 

News, News, News, News, Words, Words, Words, Words with Lexicographer Volumnia Clifford-Bayonet

That's right, my erudite little elves! News, News, News, News now has an official lexicographer! The search was long and tiresome, but they finally found someone with at least two GCSEs and at least a basic ability to string a sentences togethers. One of my many linguistic passions is delving into the rich history of the English language to find novel and extinct phrases where the origins of said phrase is hotly-disputed. Most of the these phrases would have been used everyday by normal, working people of centuries past, it really brings home how ephemeral and fleeting our language is. We must grasp it like an apple hanging from a tree by a dangerous and frosty ravine in the Swiss Alps. Once we've set sail on our journey of linguistic discovery, we won't regret taking the leap. So join me, my insatiable wordlets, let's leap into the unknown! I'm Volumnia Clifford-Bayonet and this is my column and no one else's.

Bishop's handwriting

When one writes in an overly ecclesiastical and spiritually verbose way. e.g. "You better watch yourself, Seamus, don't get all high and mighty there with your Bishop's handwriting, Reverend Prunethorne will give you a right seeing to."

This may have originated in the 18th century when undercover Jacobites used to steal sermons being prepared by vicars and amend the wording to include concealed blasphemies. Stories tell of vicars unknowingly preaching about giving women and working class people the vote, abolishing public executions, allowing the publishing of erotic literature, and cancelling HS2 and compensating all the families affected. 

Pricking the Nobleman's Coffers With One's Stick

When one is overly sycophantic around a gentleman of high-standing. e.g. "You better watch yourself,  Mary Beth, you'll get a nasty clip round the ear if he thinks you're pricking the nobleman's coffers with one's stick!"

This is believed to have originated in the Edwardian era when servants used ask their employers for better pay and working conditions. The Times of London managed to dissuade the employers from displaying kindness and indulging the staff by coining this phrase, thereby saving the aristocracy a tuppence or two. 

Riding One's Whippet Round the Maypole

When one is spoiling the fun for the other children by ruining the playing equipment. e.g. "You better watch yourself, Roscoe, you don't want the other parents to think you're riding your whippet round the maypole"

The consensus among us lexicographers (we don't often find consensus, Susie Dent once mailed me a horse's head with the words "Your sesquipedalian loquaciousness is impermeable proof of your intrinsic ingordigiousness" branded on it's face.) is that this phrase clearly originated in the Victorian era. Interestingly the origin of the phrase 'dancing around the maypole' is thought to have a rather disturbing backstory. Men in 16th century London were tied to ropes surrounding a maypole situated in the House of Commons, ploughed with mead and made to run round in circles for 5 hours before being released and made to perform for the MPs' pleasure, stumbling about in a dizzy, drunken stupor as the landed gentry scoffed and jeered at them. This is thought to be why MPs to this day laugh and make loud, wailing sounds whilst debating policies which affect poor people. 

Flirting With the Buoys 

When one veers too far out to sea on an inflatable dinghy. e.g. "You better watch yourself, Consuela, don't let me catch you flirting with the buoys."

The first record of someone using this term is thought to be in 1890s Whitby, England. Grizzly old bearded fishermen would warn the children playing on the beaches to avoid 'flirting with the buoys', meaning to not swim out too far. Some believe it also meant to avoid love-making whilst at sea, for fear of sea-sickness. During the 1890s in particular there were a large number of offshore gay communities operating outside the purview of the law. This theory was once portrayed in a now lost 1955 BBC sitcom 'The Sailor Went to Sea, Sea, Sea, to See Who He Could Sodomise". This was the 1950s, remember, homosexuality was still illegal and it's believed this sitcom was commissioned by the Conservative government of the time as anti-gay propaganda. 

Incinerating the Groom's Nunchuks 

When one conspires with one's groom's parents to persuade him not to go on a night out. e.g. "You better watch yourself, Maximilian, she may be incinerating the groom's nunchuks as we speak". 

A lexicographer friend of mine suggested this term originated during the 80s when English football fans were particularly troublesome when traveling abroad. Wives would start to shred their plane tickets to avoid paying for bail every time their husbands got thrown into a Greek prison cell. 

Eating Spam With Mr Anderson

When one's mother warns you not to become like her weird, survivalist, conspiracy theorist brother who lives in an air-raid shelter. e.g. "You better watch yourself, Kenneth, you don't want to end up like ol' Graham out there, eating spam with Mr Anderson."

It's not known whether this became a saying during or after the second world war, but it first became widely popularised on the 1954 BBC sitcom 'Keep the Home Friars Burning', about a group of mischievous friars shining torches in the streets during blackouts and being the bane of the town. No taping of the sitcom survives. 

Placing One's Head in Mr Peterson's Nards

When one discovers a new faux-intellectual YouTuber and becomes insufferable around the dinner table talking about him. e.g. "You better watch yourself, Ethan, it's beginning to look like you're placing your head in Mr Peterson's Nards." 

Not entirely sure of the origin of this one, though it was possibly a phrase used by the Bloomsbury Group of the early 20th century. 

Merriam-Webster Option Rights to Name All Future Generations

Are you from the 'Golden Generation'? Perhaps you belong to 'Generation X', or perhaps you're so old, you belong to the 'Silent Generation'. These are just a few examples of how different generations have been classified and colloquialized over the years by historians and lay people alike. They've become a source of fierce debate, usually pertaining to their boundaries and who belongs with what generation. Spaghetti has been lobbed across tables by 'Baby Boomers' claiming to belong to 'Generation X', or 'Silencers' claiming to be 'Goldies'. Both 'Millennials' and 'Zoomers' have been scorned by your "red-pilled" right-wing mother-in-law for being too 'woke', as have 'Baby Boomers' for being out of touch. 

It's a useful, yet ultimately superficial way of classifying different generations. Human beings can no longer fight each other with lances, spears and swords, so we require petty and generalized labels to do the necessary jabbing for us. They aren't merely words, they're weapons, symbols, potent pieces of language used to prod and degrade a person, or an entire people, to reduce them to a 'meme' or to highlight their inferiority compared to one's own generation. 

Merriam-Webster don't agree with this definition, however. They've optioned the rights to name all future generations beyond the 'Alpha Generation', believed to be those born after 2012. All future generations' names will be released every 20 years or so, and will be decided by a committee of marketing executives and 'influencers' who are in touch with prevailing generational vibes. 

Corrie Fayver, Assistant Vice President of Public Naming and Societal Categorization, has described the move as 'necessary to encourage a shared sense of being in our society'. What she means by this is still uncertain, though she went on to say:

"If we just let the masses decide how generations are categorized, they'll get it wrong, as they always do. By entrusting this task to a committee of engaged and innovative marketing executives and influencers, we ensure that tabloids and 'top 10' columns will be able to neatly divide their audiences into different groups, allowing the tabloids to generate income by manufacturing conflict between said generations and the 'top 10' columns to suggest trends to a hyper-specific audience."

Some have called the move 'cynical and quasi-fascistic', though Fayver rejects such terms. "That's such a Millennial thing to say! Calling everything fascism. See what I did there? I was able to use an instantly recognizable term to emphasize my point and win the argument! It's so convenient! We no longer need to be capable of empathy or compassion, or even patience to debate things and learn about other people! It's all pointless and cumbersome. Use these terms instead and kill em' dead! It's the only way. It is, after all, best for business".

Fayver then disappeared in a cloud of green smoke, which then turned into Piers Morgan's grinning face. 

This news comes after it emerged Rupert Murdoch has copyrighted the terms 'woke', 'snowflake' and 'cancel culture' and will continue to use the terms until their potency wears out. He'll then create new terms, again via a committee, but this time comprised of right-wing talk show hosts, politicians, Daily Telegraph journalists and your right-wing mother-in-law. Who knows what said terms could be? BetVictor have 'Ronas' at 4/1, which is believed to be those born after the Coronavirus pandemic of 2020, and 'Burners' at 6/1, believed to be those born after the planet has succumbed to global warming. 

NNNN’s Royal Correspondent Lurpac De Moine’s Guide to The Queen’s Platinum Jubilee Celebrations

As the official News, News, News, News royal correspondent, a role i've undertook since the departure of Hortensia Napkin-Breeding in 2015, one of my many duties has been to prepare for this very week. I say 'undertook', 'inhabited' may be a more appropriate word, I've been afflicted with many a sleepless night during these past seven years lying awake thinking about the enormity of this task. I even missed the pandemic, flew right past me, In fact on March 23rd 2020, the day the United Kingdom entered it's first lockdown, I was immersed in a tense interaction over Skype with a Thai gentleman who claimed to know what cutlery the Duchess of Cornwall prefers. Such royal tidbits are like caviar and small wheat crackers to a monarchy buff like me, I seek them out like a shark-moth mutant seeks out an underwater light-bulb stained with the blood of a careless swimmer. 

Her Majesty The Queen, our national figurehead, our conscience, the jewel of England and all the other nations, will be celebrating 70 years on the throne, or to put it another way, 70 years since she heard her Dad died whilst she sat in a Kenyan tree house.

This is a very brief summary of the activities going on this weekend, so, fellow loyal subjects, strap on!

Lucy Worsley Royal Cosplay Pageant, Hyde Park, Saturday 4pm

This event is not, as one might initially think, an event where attendants dress as the delightful BBC host and curator of Historic Royal Palaces Lucy Worsley, though I, along with many other middle-class repressed dads, would attend such an event. No, this wonderful idea was conceived by Miss Worsley herself as a way of celebrating the fashion of the royals over these past 70 glorious years. Children and adults of all ages will be shown to a large fenced area with a large mound of genuine royal clothes lying within. Mirrors will surround the area and members of the public will hear a countdown, after which they must scour the enormous pile of clothes donated by the royals and attempt to find a matching costume. For example, one must not be content with Princess Margaret's stockings, Queen Mary of Teck's dress and Prince Michael of Kent's cuff-links. They must be matching pairs, matching pairs, I say! Good lord, I hope this goes down without a hitch, we'd do well to avoid a Hunger Games-style cut-throat kerfuffle amidst all this bad press surrounding the royals. 

80 members of the public at a time will be allowed in the fenced area.. they'll all be asked to strip to their bare essentials ready to jump in and find matching pairs of clothing. When a lucky member has found and clothed themselves with a matching pair, Lucy herself will inspect them, and if they're found to have won, they win the entire pile of the public's clothing. 

Oh, darling Lucy, this is a wonderful idea, and I would love to swing-by, as they say, and witness all the fun, but I myself will be at another event. 

Gyles Brandreth Teaches Naughty Men How to Talk Properly, Hampton Court Palace, Sunday 9pm

Oh, darling Gyles, what a splendid idea! 

Taking place in the cellars of the gorgeous Hampton Court Palace after nightfall, broadcaster Gyles Brandreth will gather together a horde of illiterate and scruffy-looking petty criminals and teach them how to speak the Queen's English. He'll carry a birch cane to beat the sorry little reprobates into compliance, and, one hopes, will instill in them an unquenchable thirst for the English language. If any prisoner dare lash out or start sulking, Gyles will force them to eat a copy of his book 'Have You Eaten Grandma?'

The entire proceedings will be live-streamed to the YouTube and a live chat will be set up where users will, for a small donation, be able to suggest phrases, idioms, sayings or proverbs for the young vagabonds to get their tongue around. If the thick scumbags are unable to properly pronounce said phrase, idiom, saying or proverb, the user will be free to suggest a fitting punishment for Gyles to enforce. 

I've spoken to dear Gyles and he is positively frothing at the mouth with excitement! I too look forward to seeing some low-life cokeheads learn some manners. I and a few VIP guests will be watching behind a three way mirror, slowly sipping our tea and raising our eyebrows at the linguistic primitiveness of these depraved young jailbirds.

Prince William Scalp Garden Challenge for Male Pattern Baldness, Chelsea, Saturday, 2pm

Alongside Wayne Rooney, Ralph Fiennes and Michael Fabricant, Prince William, Duke of Cambridge is the most prominent public figure who suffers from male pattern baldness. To raise money for 'Finding Your Roots' a Sussex-based charity, the Duke will host a gardening challenge in Chelsea whereby a contestant will frantically run round a giant flower bed meant to represent the Duke's scalp and attempt to plant synthetic flowers. He/she wins when the entire scalp is covered, sounds easy, right? Wrong! Their rival contestant will simultaneously be answering royalty-themed quiz questions from Ben Shephard, every question they get correct means two flowers are plucked from the ground, thus making the first contestants job that little bit harder. 

It'll all be a great deal of rollicking fun and it's all done for such a good cause. The contest will be followed by an emotional plea by William, asking for donations. The Duke will also announce a new charity aimed at raising awareness of the plight of his son, Prince George, who may one day suffer the same fate as his father. The Philip Larkin poem 'This Be the Verse' will be recited by the young royal, opening with the immortal lines "They fuck you up, your Mum and Dad", alluding to his father's baldness.

SAS: Who Dares Sweat? With Emily Maitlis, Pizza Express, Woking, Sunday 2pm

In this highly-anticipated event, BBC Newsnight presenter Emily Maitlis will conduct one on one interviews with sex offenders, whose goal it is not to sweat under her intense questioning. Bradley Walsh will be under the offender with a large bucket counting the drops of sweat as they fall. If an offender makes it through the interview without sweating, he or she will win a meal with Prince Andrew in the winner's prison cell. 

Now, i'm no sleuth, but I feel like this is a thinly-disguised ploy to get Prince Andrew into jail. They'll bring him to the winner's cell, cook a bitchin' lamb casserole, then just lock them both in as they eat and reminisce about their predatory heydays. 

Maybe this is for the best, either way, somebody is going to be Maitlissed. 

Enjoy Your Weekend!

I simply cannot wait for this marvelous jubilee weekend, i've waited years and can't believe it's finally happening. If any of you see me over the weekend, do say hello, i'm more than happy to pose for selfies or give you a hearty fisting-pump. Do be aware that I am woefully short-sighted, so if you see me from afar and you're waving frantically, I won't see you, dear. But I appreciate the sentiment. 

I'VE JUST BEEN INFORMED THE PISSING JUBILEE WAS LAST WEEKEND. OH BUGGER, BUGGER, BUGGER. FLAMING CHRIST IN AN APPLE CRUMBLE, WHAT THE EFFING SHIT IS GOING ON? SEVEN YEARS! SEVEN YEARS I'VE PREPARED FOR THIS. OH, BUGGERATION NATION! WHY? WHY? WHY DIDN'T I WRITE IT ON MY CALENDAR? OH, PISSING SHRIMP CAKES! I CAN'T EFFING BELIEVE IT! OH, HORTENSIA' S GOING TO LOVE THIS, HER SUCCESSOR MISSES THE PLATINUM JUBILEE WHILE SHE'S WORKING FOR VOGUE MAGAZINE IN NEW YORK! I WANT TO WORK FOR VOGUE MAGAZINE IN NEW YORK. I'VE GOT LOTS TO SAY ABOUT FASHION! LOTS! I'VE SEEN LOADS OF CLOTHES IN MY LIFETIME. FUCKING HORTENSIA. OH, I CANNOT EFFING BELIEVE IT. IT'S TYPICAL. "GO WORK FOR NNNN, THEY NEED A ROYAL CORRESPONDENT, YOU'D BE GREAT!" OH, WHY DID I LISTEN TO ANDREW NEIL? THIS IS WORST THAN BEING SACKED FROM GB NEWS! AT LEAST THEY STILL HAVE THE BOTTOM OF THE BARREL, I'M UNDERNEATH THE PISSING BARREL, AND I'M BEING SQUASHED BY IT! HELP! HELP ME! OH GOODNESS GRACIOUS CHRIST ON A PRIT-STICK. 

I will get through this, I will get through this, I will get through this. I guess in ten years time it'll be her Oak anniversary. 80 years on the throne. 106 year-old Elizabeth celebrates with England and just England since Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland will have gained independence. Imagine it. She comes out onto the balcony, sons, daughters, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, great great-grandchildren by her side, everyone will be so happy, so jubilant. It'll be simply wonderful, beautiful beyond compa...

NNNN would like to wish a speedy recovery to Lurpac after his very unfortunate car crash. He is still unconscious, yet stable and muttering about 'oaks'.