The editor told me to write an introduction to this article but it'll basically just sound like, "2020 will be remembered by many for the wrong reasons", blah blah blah, "No one could have expected", blah blah blah, "a global pandemic, racial unrest, US Election, Lancashire woman gets fined for riding a donkey through local sandpit", blah di blah di blah. So I'm just going to dive straight into the meat and potatoes of it all so I can go have a bath with my new gold, frankincense, Myrrh, peppermint cupcake fizzy sex bomb lavender bath bomb. I'm Muriel Sticks, and this is the year ahead:
January
A fuck tonne will happen in January. On the 6th, Mike Pence, in his role as president of the senate, will certify the election in Joe Biden's favour, probably causing a rift between him and Donald Trump. I don't quite know what Pence could do otherwise, unless he calls on God to smite the entire Capitol building down, like in Designated Survivor. Mike was widely tipped to be a future Republican candidate for president, but it's looking like Trump will run again in 2024, so Mike will probably hold back as he is the sub in the relationship.
Thousands more people in the UK will receive the COVID-19 vaccine. I for one have never been more excited to be injected with a needle. I say that, my 20s were a wild ride. Vaccine misinformation is still rampant, but I think it's important that these conspiracy theorists blow off some steam, this is their Christmas. They seem to get off on contrarian opinions and phobia of experts. If this is the case, 2020 was one prolonged super-orgasm for them.
10th of January will mark four years since the death of David Bowie. In over 50 cities worldwide, people will gather to pay tribute by simultaneously firing their grandparent's ashes up into space to join him. Officials have warned the sheer volume of ashes will form a thick layer of smog in the ozone layer likened to volcanic ash, disrupting air travel for at least a month and shrouding the Earth in near darkness.
February
Elon Musk will say something stupid this month. His followers will defend him and Musk will face no consequences.
March
An Earthquake will happen in Belgium this month, but will barely register on the Richter scale.
Sometime in March, The Indian Space Research Organization will launch their Chandrayaan-3 Moon mission. The mission will be a success and India will colonize the Moon, with Narendra Modi declaring himself 'president of the Moon'. Foreign dignitaries of several nations will fly to the Moon to meet Modi. Demonic Wrath, the British foreign secretary, will visit and get lost in the Sea of Tranquility, launching a rescue mission which will ultimately fail due to lack of funds.
Jacob Rees-Mogg will say something stupid this month. His followers will defend him and Rees-Mogg will face no consequences.
April
Liverpool will be declared Premier League champions this month for a second consecutive season. Manchester City will scrape back into second place despite a rocky start to the season, Manchester United will take third place, Chelsea fourth. An attempt will be made by an Everton fan to hack Mo Salah's boots before the Merseyside Derby. Liverpool captain Jordan Henderson will notice his teammate's boots have been tampered with and will receive an MBE for his heroism. Henderson will then take over the role of Elliot Alderson in 'Mr Robot' from Rami Malek.
10,000,000 deadly locusts will be released in Finland as part of an April fool's prank, resulting in Finland going into lockdown. Musician Sting will perform in a charity benefit concert in the city of Espoo to raise money for Finnish farmers. Miley Cyrus will decline to perform, causing a diplomatic stand-off between Finland and the United States. Finnish-American relations will be eased when vice president Kamala Harris visits Helsinki and dances with some children or something.
Morrissey will say something stupid this month. His followers will defend him and Morrissey will face no consequences.
May
An amazing archaeological discovery will be made in May by archaeologists working in South Africa. The findings will prove early hominids were formed and lived in the Earth's core and have gradually burrowed their way up across millions of years. The discovery will spark a renewed sense of Human compassion between creationists and evolutionists, both having been debunked by these new findings. I personally would welcome some consensus nowadays. Still, there will be those who doubt the South African discovery. The authorities will likely invite all the anti-science people worldwide who doubt their findings to travel to Johannesburg and travel down to the Earth's core. A malfunction in the lift will trap these people in the Earth's mantle. The rescue mission will ultimately be unsuccessful due to lack of funds.
Amy Coney Barrett will say something stupid this month. Her followers will defend her and Coney Barrett will face no consequences.
June
UK Transport Secretary Grant Shapps will abolish the motorways in June, using approximately 100 million sticks of dynamite. The detonation will create a nationwide spectacle, broadcast live on the BBC, presented by Clare Balding. Dancers from the Royal Academy in lime-coloured leotards will then dance atop Eddie Stobart lorries aligned to spell 'Build back better' when viewed from above.
Republicans in the US House of Representatives will attempt to impeach Joe Biden this month. The Democrats, who hold the majority in the house, will swiftly shoot down the attempt. Congressman Devin Nunes (R-Cal) will front the effort to impeach the president. They will claim Biden was actually born in the small Cotswolds village of Mickleton, England. The residents of Mickleton will soon get used to having CNN and Fox News vans camping in their luscious, unspoiled countryside. MAGA supporters donning their red caps will swarm to the village in anger, but after getting to know the Mickleton residents, they will be seduced by their vegetable-growing ways and choose to swap their red caps for farmer's caps.
A heatwave will say something stupid this month. It's followers will defend it and the heatwave will face no consequences.
July
Louis Theroux will be arrested in the US this month. He'll be caught smuggling drugs into the country using his endearing, mild, child-like way of speaking. Theroux will be sent to the same Miami super-max prison he once filmed a documentary in. The contacts he made in said documentary will serve him well in the volatile and highly explosive prison environment. Upon being released, thanks to the efforts of Demonic Wrath (who found his way back from the Moon) Theroux's character will have altered dramatically. Gone will be the days where he presents documentaries on cults, weird hobbies or political extremists. He'll now be used as an interrogator on SAS: Who Dares Wins?
England will win the European Championships this month. It'll become compulsory for every British citizen to have a tattoo of Harry Kane on either buttock. Arsenal fans will revolt, causing a long overdue police crackdown on Arsenal fans.
Johnny Depp will say something stupid this month. His followers will defend him and Depp will face no consequences.
August
August will be the most volatile month of 2021. As a result of the Pfizer vaccine, millions of vaccinated people will experience extreme muscle spasms and pledge allegiance to an obscure Pagan deity. Authorities will attempt to subdue the mass gatherings, but their attempts will prove futile. Large cardboard effigies of Jeff Bezos, Bill Gates, Elon Musk & Mark Zuckerberg will be burnt in the Welsh countryside. Bezos himself will then be strapped to a Bucking Bronco bull by two Minotaurs in chain-mail, be forced to ride it for fourteen days, then be forced to listen to Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, talk about fraternity.
Brazilian footballer Neymar Jr. will retire from football this month and switch to Cricket.
To raise money for British theatre, Sir Ian McKellen will ride naked through the streets of Coventry on horseback.
The public zeitgeist will say something stupid this month. It's followers will defend it and the zeitgeist will face no consequences.
September
Former UK prime minister Margaret Thatcher's consciousness will be uploaded to the Sun this month. The project, which up until then would have been kept top secret by the Conservative Party, will have been in development since 2013, the date of Thatcher's death. 'Britain's Grandmother' as she is fondly remembered, will keep the nation's morale sky-high, literally, as she sings Ave Maria to us during the day, and barks her famous words "no, no, no" during the night on a continuous loop.
Comedian Russell Brand will be sold at a Sotheby's auction in September. The auction will receive little press coverage, but The Daily Express will claim Brand was bought by the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia, Mohammed Bin Salman to use as a PR manager, helping to bolster the Kingdom's image as an approachable, friendly, non-hostile place which doesn't take itself too seriously.
Donald Trump will fall down one of the holes whilst golfing at his Mar-a-Lago resort in Florida this month. It will turn out Trump's drink had been spiked beforehand, altering his perception of reality, forcing him to believe the large hole he fell into was actually a normal size golfing hole. People will suspect a number of different people as the culprit. Mike Pence, still angry that his dom is running in 2024, will be the main candidate. Steve Bannon, Hillary Clinton, Tom Hanks & Attorney General Barron Trump will be the others.
A celebrity that hasn't yet become a celebrity at the start of 2021 will say something stupid this month. Their followers will defend them and the celebrity that hasn't yet become a celebrity at the start of 2021 will face no consequences.
October
Prince Phillip, Duke of Edinburgh will drive a Land Rover into a job centre this month. The Duke will then be forced to fill out a tedious amount of paperwork and be asked futile and convoluted questions about his finances and his work experience, all the while being heavily judged by the staff. Phillip will end up being sanctioned for saying "this is bloody nonsense". He'll then collaborate with filmmaker and activist Ken Loach on a film identical to I, Daniel Blake, but with Phillip as the leading character. 'I, Phillip' will influence the Department for Work and Pensions' policies almost immediately, and everything will be OK.
A new species of giant invertebrate fish will be discovered deep in the Mariana Trench by marine biologists. The internet will be asked to name the new species. 'libtardia cucktrump' will be the most popular result. Sir David Attenborough will present a BBC series on the find, 'Attenborough: In Search of Cucktrump'.
UN Secretary-General Antonio Guterres will announce the end to World suffering this month. Guterres' resulting popularity will result in him being given many sponsorship deals with companies such as Nike, Unilever, Google, Apple, Facebook, Twitter, Yorkshire Farm Foods, Microsoft, Amazon & Exxon Mobil.
A Cambridge University academic whom people claimed to know before she made the controversial comments will say something stupid this month. Her claimed followers will defend her and the Cambridge University academic whom people claimed to know before she made the controversial comments will face no consequences.
November
Prince Charles will make an unsuccessful attempt to climb the north face of the Eiger, a mountain in the Bernese Alps, to celebrate his 73rd birthday. The rescue mission will ultimately be unsuccessful due to lack of funds.
Bush fires will rage through the Australian bush this month. This is not a funny one, this will probably genuinely happen.
Mexican drug cartels will successfully infiltrate the US embassy in Mexico City, capturing over 100 employees and demanding $5,000,000,000 in ransom. Again, this is not funny. This is an entirely plausible event.
A tornado will sweep through the Indonesian island of Bali, causing much devastation and loss of life. This is not a joke, this could very possibly happen. Let's hope to God it doesn't.
Joe Biden will announce November 17th as 'Dicks Out For Harambe Day'. Every US citizen with the necessary bodily appendage will legally have to flaunt it in public for 24 hours. The US president himself will address the nation with his flipper resting on the resolute desk in the Oval office. David Cameron will claim he's 'under the weather'.
Captain Pugwash will say something stupid this month. His followers will defend him and Pugwash will face no consequences.
December
Martin Scorsese will announce himself as John F. Kennedy's assassin in December. Scorsese will claim he carried out the assassination in order to create material for a film 20 years in the future. The film, which never came to fruition, will be announced with a planned release date of November 2023.
World leaders will announce a ban on mentioning 2020, punishable by death.
Bernie Sanders will attempt a military coup d'etat on December 20th. CNN won't cover the Coup, prompting accusations of bias by the progressive faction of the Democratic Party.
The esteemed news publication 'News, News, News, News' will go into administration on Boxing day. The paper, which has been operating since before records began, will be forced to apologize to it's two monthly readers, who will attempt to keep the ailing paper going via a substantial donation. The donations will be no less than £500,000 each, in cash, delivered to an undercover agent who'll be in contact with you covertly throughout the year. The aforementioned agent is not as forgiving as he may seem and carries a fully functional 15th century medieval mace.
Festive ennui will say something stupid this month. It's followers will defend it and ennui will face no consequences.
Undecimber
Oh yes, I forgot to mention, one of Donald Trump's last acts in office will be to announce a major change to the Gregorian calendar, the addition of a thirteenth month, Undecimber. It won't be legally recognized by any countries other than the US, but will soon catch on. UK prime minister Boris Johnson will go along with the gambit to consolidate the UK and US' 'special relationship'. Former PM Tony Blair will approve.
Meet me back at the end of 2021 to see how many predictions I got right. Prepare to be humbled. And no I'm not planning on attacking the US embassy in Mexico City just to see that prediction come true, grow up.
Wishing everyone reading this a new year. A very new year,
Muriel.
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