The event, which News, News, News, News journalist Muriel Sticks predicted in her 'crystal ball' column, has sparked outrage in the international community and has caused widespread economic chaos.
When asked if she might have provoked this, Sticks told NNNN, "No, i'm a journalist. We just write what we see, it's basically objective truth.We can't influence people's opinions, stupid".
David Bowie died after a long battle with cancer on 10th January 2016, aged 69. His death sent shock waves through the music industry, leaving millions of fans distraught.
"I think most people remember where they were when Bowie died" thought Sticks, "I was in a revolving door, heavily drunk. I looked down at my phone and checked the news, first I saw that Nasdaq was up, whatever the fuck that means. Then I saw an article by Laura Kuenssberg predicting that Remain will win in a landslide in the referendum, then I scrolled down and saw a picture of Bowie as Ziggy Stardust. He'd just released an album, Blackstar, so I thought it'd just be an interview or something. My heart dropped when I saw he had died. I fell to the ground and sobbed uncontrollably and curled up in a fetal position, almost paralyzed with grief. The revolving doors gently coaxed my prone, vulnerable body into rolling over, being carried round and round as the doors kept turning and turning. Round and round I went, creating a circular trail of tears and mucus on the floor of the revolving door mechanism, and a considerably dangerous slipping hazard. Round and round I went, beaten, bruised, broken, battered, without hope, utterly inconsolable. My phone was crushed to pieces, obliterated by the never-ending, heartless machine where I now lived. Endless rotation, endless, frenetic, turning, never stopping, incessant turning, never motionless, always running and running and running and turning and running and turning and turning and running. The doors silently carrying my stagnant body around like an ocean carries a pile of dead seagulls trapped in Sainsbury's bags on the crest of a wave. An endless cycle of turning and sobbing, turning and roaring, turning and howling from the deepest recesses of my bottomless, burning soulscape."
NNNN would like to assure it's readers that we sent Muriel some flowers and a box of Cadbury's Milktray after this harrowing mental breakdown.
We'd also like to inform our readers that we here at NNNN haven't even a basic grasp of physics, geography, climate science, astronomy, meteorology, or any scientific discipline needed to fully analyse a situation where Human ashes have formed thick, dense clouds in our ozone layer as a result of over-zealous fans collectively propelling their familial bonds into space as a tribute to a music icon. As a publication, we pride ourselves on transparency and self-deprecation which disguises a genuine lack of academic rigour and self-esteem.
Bowie wrote several songs with a discernible space theme, the most famous few being 'Space Oddity', 'Life on Mars' & 'Starman'. "When I picture Bowie, I think of him in space" Sticks told us (after she recovered from that traumatic episode), "I think certain artists are out of this world, they're merely human beings in reality, but what they create through their work is an allure which illuminates them, making us regard them as more than human. their work not only moves us, it can also help us make sense of the world, if only for a few minutes at least. It makes us feel less alone. I think we seek out things which make us feel this way, and when that artist passes away, it can feel like a sort of cosmic grief, like something binding and constant in the universe and in your own life has just disappeared".
Sticks had read about the planned tribute on a David Bowie Facebook group last October. "I didn't think they'd actually go through with it. Wasn't there also millions of people who were going to storm Area 51? The online world really is hugely disconnected from the real world, now more than ever. So I was shocked when it actually happened. I only wrote about it in my column as a joke."
Said Facebook group was named 'Bowie blast off' and was created by Zoe Bowie, who legally changed her name after her icon died. "People think I changed my surname to Bowie, but alas, it was my first name, I wanted it to rhyme with Bowie, I used to be called Gladys" explained Bowie, 56, "Bowie is my married name, I deliberately set out to find a husband with that surname, for many years I thought it was hopeless, but then Frank came along. Granted, he works in a tip, is very controlling and is a horrible racist, but it's the surname that matters".
Bowie's group very quickly amassed over 50,000 followers within a month, then 100,000 after two months. "When we reached 500,000, I knew I wanted to actually do this. I asked Frank whether I could be let out on January 10th, and he said yes, so I started planning!"
Bowie considered the logistics of firing one's grandparent's ashes into space. She conversed with people in her group, who arrived at the decision to build large intercontinental mortars, able to fire the ashes past the atmosphere. "Several people on the group were keen engineers, so they really chipped in and helped with that side of things. I had no reason to disbelieve them, they sounded genuine".
Another problem Bowie and the group faced was not having dead grandparents, therefore not having dead grandparent ashes. "That was a particularly big obstacle for us" explained Bowie, "but let's just say, it was solved after a bit of 'out of the box' thinking". Bowie then winked at our NNNN journalist interviewing her over Zoom. NNNN would like to make clear that we have no idea what Bowie and her associates did to attain the ashes, therefore we are not liable for prosecution.
So with the mortars and the ashes in place, all that was needed was a long wait til January 10th, the date of the launch. "The wait was agonizing" Bowie told us, "everything that was going on in the world, the pandemic, the US election, Barbara Windsor dying, all that took a backseat. I couldn't wait til January 10th. It was a mixture of fear and excitement, and hemorrhoids."
When the 10th finally came around, Bowie feared some in her group, who were scattered all around the world, would get cold feet. "We couldn't really discern which members would follow through or not. I started to divide people into 'drys' and 'wets'. One of my closest allies in the group, Geoffrey Whye, left the group at a very late stage, which was largely seen as triggering my downfall. But it didn't happen."
Bowie set the launch date at 10:00am (BST), which confused many of her international members. "The launches didn't happen all at once, which might have contributed to this kerfuffle we now find ourselves in". Physicist Neil Degrasse Tyson disputes whether the delays and miscalculations were the cause of the ashes clogging up the ozone layer, "We would've seen the exact same thing happen even if they all fired in unison. I cannot stress this enough, do not fire your grandparent's ashes into space, you stupid, narcissistic idiots."
Bowie thinks the environmental problem she helped create will soon dissipate. "Scientists would have you believe that the Earth will stay shrouded in darkness for over 6 months, but that's just not true. They're only saying that to drive up revenue for the torch and lantern industries. We know we've caused quite a panic, but at least it's for a good cause. And try telling me your grandparents wouldn't want to rain down on us from above and, stop air travel, cause toxic smog etc".
Although frustrated at the environmental panic the launch has provoked, Sticks thinks the Earth being shrouded in near darkness is a fitting metaphor for such an occasion, "If you think about it, the World has pretty much been shrouded in darkness since David Bowie died, at least that's how I feel. 2016 felt like something was ending. And usually endings mean new beginnings, but in this case it was the beginning to something fascist and shit. I'm kind of glad David wasn't around to see it all, but I miss him, we all do. The Earth is dark without him anyway, and will be dark long after the ashes of our dearly departed grandparents have fell to the ground and have rendered crops dead, polluted the oceans, destroyed global infrastructure and contaminated our drinking water."
Scientists claim the destruction this tribute has caused will spell the end for humankind. "We've got five years, that's all we've got".
No comments:
Post a Comment