Jon Ossoff Anointed 'Most Likely to be a Future Hunk President', Leap-Frogging a Vengeful Pete Buttigieg

One teenage Democratic voter claims Ossoff has stolen her heart from Shawn Mendes. "Shawn is a fugly man-squirt poopyface now, I want Jon! I would kill for Jon!"

The incoming Senator from Georgia, Jon Ossoff, who defeated incumbent Republican senator David Perdue in the January 6th Senate run-off election, has been anointed as the 'most likely white, tall, handsome, well-spoken, young Democrat hunk to be future US president'. The role, previously held by former South Bend, Indiana mayor and 2020 presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg, is highly coveted among the elites of the Democratic Party. 

President-elect Joe Biden once held the role in the early 1980s, it had previously been held by such bright sparks as Beto O' Rourke, Eric Swalwell, John Edwards, Bill Clinton, the three Kennedy brothers & probably Franklin Delano Roosevelt.

Democratic Party spokesman and social media guru Janie C. Shaypz explained to NNNN why the American people find tall, handsome, white politicians so appealing. "It's an appeal that goes back to every American's teenage years. When someone like Ossoff comes along, girls will want to sleep with him, guys will want to be him. And the fact that he's white will have some cross-over appeal to the Republican Party, it's a win win!". Asked why politicians like Barack Obama and Cory Booker don't fit into this equation, Shaypz replied, "Well, both Barack and Cory are, of course, massive hunks, but in the US we need to reel in voters from across the political spectrum, from the non-racists to the white supremacists. We feel that the US is in such a divisive state in 2021 as opposed to 2008 when Obama managed to get himself elected. We now need to field a white hunk to appeal to Breitbartian America". 

Political figures on the left of the Democratic Party have questioned this strategy. Political pundit Cenk Uygur has called it 'bullshit'. "The elite, corporate Democrats are now claiming they need to field white hunks in order to win votes from Republicans, this is total bullshit! Their worldview is completely binary and lacking in nuance. Yeah, a huge portion of Republicans are racist and have this disgusting ideology, but the voters we actually need to win literally just care about whether the candidate can protect their jobs, their healthcare, their social security. You win elections on economic populism, not whether the candidate is someone one would like to teabag in the Oval Office! It's not rocket science!"

In response to Uygur's argument, Shaypz told us, "actually we did studies that show suburban men and women react more favourably to candidates who they want to bang, or want to imitate. The issues don't really matter, leave them to the nerds on the left of the party!"

Whatever the truth may be, NNNN has received reports that Pete Buttigieg refuses to concede defeat to Ossoff and is planning to wield "fire and fury, the likes of which the world has never seen" upon Ossoff. Alejandro Hitchens camped outside Buttigieg's home and listened to several conversations the former major had with former hunk Bill Clinton. Hitchens claimed to have heard Clinton say "You know Pete, I was an up and coming hunk and I fulfilled those early predictions and became president, and you know how I did that? I became a bloodthirsty son' (sic) bitch, Pete, a bloodthirsty son of a gun. I hunted down my handsome enemies and disfigured those son' (sic) bitches. And ya' (sic) know I couldn't have done it without Hillary. Hillary had an unquenchable taste for violence that made me love her more and more each day. You know she castrated me after the whole Monica Lewinsky thing? Yeah, that lil' (sic) detail never came out".

Buttigieg was previously considered a future presidential candidate before Ossoff burst onto the scene. As Thomas Paine once said, "Being usurped can do terrible things to a man. The path to evil is clearer for handsome folk". 

Hitchens, who received pneumonia after listening to Clinton and Buttigieg speak for seven hours in the freezing cold, told NNNN that the conversations shocked him to his core. "I got the sense that Buttigieg was hugely motivated by Clinton's stories. After about an hour of listening to Clinton talk about mutilating his enemies, Pete's eyes were gleaming like a killer. I wouldn't be surprised if he went on some kind of killing spree."

Future prospective Democratic presidential candidates who fit this profile have been put on red alert. Posters of Buttigieg's face have been plastered in bars all over the US to warn any ambitious studs against running for office. Ossoff's campaign was asked for comment, but NNNN received no reply, only an automated message reading "Senator-elect Ossoff is confident he is the handsomest under-40 hunk in the party. He is confident he can swoon his way to the presidency,". 

Buttigieg, who has just been nominated by Joe Biden to serve as Secretary of Transportation in his administration, is reportedly planning to destroy all of Georgia's transport networks within 4 years, making it impossible for Ossoff to leave the state. Hitchens claims Buttigieg plans to create massive craters around Georgia's borders, as well as enclosing it in a massive dome, an idea inspired by Buttigieg's favourite film 'The Simpsons Movie' (2007). "Don't be surprised if Georgians will be getting around via horse & carriage by 2025. Don't be surprised if Buttigieg deprives Georgia of horses and carriages for fuck's sake! He's a wily, scheming, Machiavellian operator. I wouldn't be surprised if he enforces a federal ban on Sedan chairs, just to deprive Jon Ossoff the opportunity to travel to and from Georgia.