Jon Ossoff Anointed 'Most Likely to be a Future Hunk President', Leap-Frogging a Vengeful Pete Buttigieg

One teenage Democratic voter claims Ossoff has stolen her heart from Shawn Mendes. "Shawn is a fugly man-squirt poopyface now, I want Jon! I would kill for Jon!"

The incoming Senator from Georgia, Jon Ossoff, who defeated incumbent Republican senator David Perdue in the January 6th Senate run-off election, has been anointed as the 'most likely white, tall, handsome, well-spoken, young Democrat hunk to be future US president'. The role, previously held by former South Bend, Indiana mayor and 2020 presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg, is highly coveted among the elites of the Democratic Party. 

President-elect Joe Biden once held the role in the early 1980s, it had previously been held by such bright sparks as Beto O' Rourke, Eric Swalwell, John Edwards, Bill Clinton, the three Kennedy brothers & probably Franklin Delano Roosevelt.

Democratic Party spokesman and social media guru Janie C. Shaypz explained to NNNN why the American people find tall, handsome, white politicians so appealing. "It's an appeal that goes back to every American's teenage years. When someone like Ossoff comes along, girls will want to sleep with him, guys will want to be him. And the fact that he's white will have some cross-over appeal to the Republican Party, it's a win win!". Asked why politicians like Barack Obama and Cory Booker don't fit into this equation, Shaypz replied, "Well, both Barack and Cory are, of course, massive hunks, but in the US we need to reel in voters from across the political spectrum, from the non-racists to the white supremacists. We feel that the US is in such a divisive state in 2021 as opposed to 2008 when Obama managed to get himself elected. We now need to field a white hunk to appeal to Breitbartian America". 

Political figures on the left of the Democratic Party have questioned this strategy. Political pundit Cenk Uygur has called it 'bullshit'. "The elite, corporate Democrats are now claiming they need to field white hunks in order to win votes from Republicans, this is total bullshit! Their worldview is completely binary and lacking in nuance. Yeah, a huge portion of Republicans are racist and have this disgusting ideology, but the voters we actually need to win literally just care about whether the candidate can protect their jobs, their healthcare, their social security. You win elections on economic populism, not whether the candidate is someone one would like to teabag in the Oval Office! It's not rocket science!"

In response to Uygur's argument, Shaypz told us, "actually we did studies that show suburban men and women react more favourably to candidates who they want to bang, or want to imitate. The issues don't really matter, leave them to the nerds on the left of the party!"

Whatever the truth may be, NNNN has received reports that Pete Buttigieg refuses to concede defeat to Ossoff and is planning to wield "fire and fury, the likes of which the world has never seen" upon Ossoff. Alejandro Hitchens camped outside Buttigieg's home and listened to several conversations the former major had with former hunk Bill Clinton. Hitchens claimed to have heard Clinton say "You know Pete, I was an up and coming hunk and I fulfilled those early predictions and became president, and you know how I did that? I became a bloodthirsty son' (sic) bitch, Pete, a bloodthirsty son of a gun. I hunted down my handsome enemies and disfigured those son' (sic) bitches. And ya' (sic) know I couldn't have done it without Hillary. Hillary had an unquenchable taste for violence that made me love her more and more each day. You know she castrated me after the whole Monica Lewinsky thing? Yeah, that lil' (sic) detail never came out".

Buttigieg was previously considered a future presidential candidate before Ossoff burst onto the scene. As Thomas Paine once said, "Being usurped can do terrible things to a man. The path to evil is clearer for handsome folk". 

Hitchens, who received pneumonia after listening to Clinton and Buttigieg speak for seven hours in the freezing cold, told NNNN that the conversations shocked him to his core. "I got the sense that Buttigieg was hugely motivated by Clinton's stories. After about an hour of listening to Clinton talk about mutilating his enemies, Pete's eyes were gleaming like a killer. I wouldn't be surprised if he went on some kind of killing spree."

Future prospective Democratic presidential candidates who fit this profile have been put on red alert. Posters of Buttigieg's face have been plastered in bars all over the US to warn any ambitious studs against running for office. Ossoff's campaign was asked for comment, but NNNN received no reply, only an automated message reading "Senator-elect Ossoff is confident he is the handsomest under-40 hunk in the party. He is confident he can swoon his way to the presidency,". 

Buttigieg, who has just been nominated by Joe Biden to serve as Secretary of Transportation in his administration, is reportedly planning to destroy all of Georgia's transport networks within 4 years, making it impossible for Ossoff to leave the state. Hitchens claims Buttigieg plans to create massive craters around Georgia's borders, as well as enclosing it in a massive dome, an idea inspired by Buttigieg's favourite film 'The Simpsons Movie' (2007). "Don't be surprised if Georgians will be getting around via horse & carriage by 2025. Don't be surprised if Buttigieg deprives Georgia of horses and carriages for fuck's sake! He's a wily, scheming, Machiavellian operator. I wouldn't be surprised if he enforces a federal ban on Sedan chairs, just to deprive Jon Ossoff the opportunity to travel to and from Georgia.  

Horoscopes With Keith Brown (From the Theatre Desk)

The editor let me pick my own images to accompany this article. He told me to pick ones that I thought were 'appropriate'. Well fuck that, this is the Gielgud Theatre on Shaftesbury Avenue. The theatre was home to a legendary cat named Beerbohm, who used to live in the theatre and wander across the stage and attack actor's props. He also apparently had a girlfriend in the Lyric Theatre. Isn't that bloody marvelous? 

In case you haven't heard, i'm doing the horoscopes this month. News, News, News, News is experiencing an unprecedented staff shortage. Weirdly enough, the shortage has nothing to do with the pandemic. Nearly all of our journalists, Eileen Kirkup, Alejandro Hitchens, Muriel Sticks & A. A. Gill Jr. included, were having lunch in YO! Sushi (that's what our shithouse editor considers a Christmas work lunch), and came down with severe food poisoning. And just to be clear, NNNN isn't attacking or even criticizing YO! Sushi and their unscrupulous hygiene practices. They're our longest serving sponsor, and have supported us through thick and thin, including back in 2018 when we influenced that election in Bhutan and in 2009 when our former resident health writer, Dr. Mehmet Stoppard, advocated the use of blood-letting via leeches to cure apathy.

I should also make it clear that I know absolutely nothing about horoscopes. My expertise is in theatre, dramaturgy, ballet & 19th century erotic literature. But, for some reason, I was deemed qualified to fill in for Charlotte Anne de Quaque, the usual writer of this column. I hope my passivity, my lack of interest, my ignorance, my snobbishness and my hostility towards everyone who receives wisdom and clarity from this column doesn't deter you from receiving wisdom and clarity from this column. Let's get this fucking shit over with:

Aries

This is the Harold Pinter Theatre on Panton Street. Formerly the 'Comedy Theatre', like the Gielgud it was renamed for an icon of 20th century theatre, Harold Pinter.

You'll feel at some points this month like you're being handled by a higher power like a puppet via invisible marionette strings. The higher power will have severe arthritis and this will prove cumbersome to deal with. But don't let this get you down. Steer into the skid, so to speak. Let yourself be dragged to and fro in an uncoordinated mess. The onus is on you to find patterns in the hubbub this submission has created. When you've reached some clarity as to what those patterns are, use it wisely. It's important to carve out a path for yourself and the transition between the old you and the new you will not be without considerable challenges, but you will eventually be rewarded in abundance.

Taurus

Yes, I've been to theatres outside of London!.... granted the RSC isn't the fringiest of theatres, but it holds a very special place in this writer's heart. I was once punched by Trevor Nunn for giving his production of Pericles a poor review. Granted, I had posted the review an hour before I saw the production, but I think that was uncalled for. 

Oh, you are in for a treat this month, you Tauruses, or Taurei, whatever you're called. Something really cool will happen to you, I can feel it. Be vigilant though. Avoid people at all costs and build up a supply of food to last at least 8 months. If anyone attempts to call/message you, reply quickly and make your rugged intensity known to them. You'll be having some pretty fucked up nightmares around mid-January, but they are merely the calm before the storm. The waves of feeling you'll experience after these nightmares will be close to euphoric. I wish I was a Taurus. Strap yourself in for a wild, wild ride, my brothers and sisters. Don't de-ice your cars or anything stupid like that. The ice is there for a reason, it chose to set on your windshield. Let the moon dictate when you bathe. Follow these two rules and you'll be swimming in ecstasy.

Gemini

You're better off standing in the Globe Theatre, the benches will render your buttocks unconscious for weeks. Legend has it that Shakespeare did this on purpose out of concern for public health. He wanted people to stand up more. He also ran Zumba classes in Aldgate prison. He was what's now known in youthful circles as a 'fitness Karen'.

This will be a month of healing. I know a lot of you have been hurting these last few months, with unruly Mars and Darius the Satyr constantly creating cosmic obstacles for you, but there is a reason this has happened. We know what you did last summer. You chose not to abide by the psychic laws of the hyperkinetic universe. You really are a cunt. But, it's OK. Things are looking up. Just don't read newspapers, don't answer the door and above all, don't wash until the moon says it's OK. 

Cancer

Well, I personally love the National Theatre building. To hell with Prince Charles. Some say the foyer feels like an airport, but why shouldn't a theatre's foyer feel like an airport? In a way, you are waiting for a departure, a departure to Elsinore or a departure to a Run-down Russian estate. You are waiting to depart to foreign lands. Nowadays you even have to leave your bags in storage due to threats of terror. So it all fits.

OH MY LORD, YOU ARE A LUCKY BASTARD IF YOU ARE A CANCER!!

Seriously, why must I be a Sagittarius? We're going to have a shit time this month (but I'll get to that).

So Cancers, you will experience new bonds with past enemies. The solar energy emitted from these new found bonds will radiate throughout the universe and heal the cosmic wounds that form a chasm in the celestial spheres, creating a newfoundlove that ties up all the loose ends. It is highly likely you'll shag someone this month. I cannot stress this enough, the moon decides when you scrub yourself in the tub. 

Leo

Cornwall's Minack Theatre is divine. This writer made the absolute genius move of bringing a cushion, because again, your arse will feel like it's been spanked by Thanos after three hours of watching King Lear sitting on those stone steps. 

I'm bored already. I don't know what happens to Leos this month. You'll be mauled by a giant bear. There, happy now? 

Fine, the sun is telling me that you'll experience a period of intense calm this month. Whether you're a key worker, or are working at home, you'll embrace this serenity with open arms. Don't let no naysayer put you down, girlfriend. Embrace the calm above all else. Goats will play a significant role in your spiritual healing as well. So, look out for goats. Can I mention Lucifer? Or are Satanism and astrology not linked? I genuinely don't know. At this point I'm convinced people who believe in astrology are also possible Nazis. Nothing is off the table nowadays. All charlatanism is loosely connected in one giant dumb web. 

Virgo

Regent's Park Open Air Theatre, in Regent's Park (where else did you think it'd be? Damascus?) is another bewitching venue this writer has visited many times.

You'll spend this month intoxicated on cheap alcohol from Lidl. 

The universe is likely to spin twice as fast for you this month, my dear Virgos. Don't let this scare you. The gentleman operating it is high as a kite and means no harm. Remember, chemistry is the most important thing to consider when undertaking a new role in life. Always ask yourself, do I have chemistry with this person? Do I have chemistry with this new job? Make decisions based on chemistry, and the moon, don't bathe if the moon tells you not to, how many times do I need to tell you?!

Libra

The Royal Exchange Theatre, Manchester is still, funnily enough, also used as a commodities exchange. I saw Maxine Peake play Hamlet here. I sat in the front row and managed to collect some of her spit whilst she recited the 'O, what a rogue and peasant slave am I?' soliloquy. I attempted to exchange this commodity before realizing I had no idea how the financial world works. 

OK, this is a batshit crazy one. I hate to say this, but, you will die this month. I know, it sucks. You will trip on a toy fimble and fly down the stairs, cracking your head open. Blood will gush out and you'll be pronounced dead by paramedics within 20 minutes. 

But it's not all bad news. The celestial spheres will align themselves to form an alliance of kinetic souls. This is not to be bulked at. Cease the moment, Libras, turn those frowns upside downs. 

Don't let the moon dictate when you bathe this month. You'll only be bathing in your own blood anyway.

Scorpio

South Hill Park Arts Centre in Bracknell, Berkshire is a mighty fine institution. This writer saw a tremendous production of the Scottish play a few years ago, the actress who played the second witch caught my eye in particular. One for the future, methinks.  

More bad news for you Scorpios, i'm afraid. You will experience a sort of spiritual paralysis in January that will force you to begin several weird hobbies. Said hobbies will not be economically viable for you in the long term and the inability to fulfill these strange new interests will make you frustrated and full of nascent rage. The clouds will align and the lunar rays will penetrate your skin, so that's something. Venus is always with you, remember that. She's a fucking amazing lass she is. I wish I was a Scorpio. The things i'd do to that Venus. oooooh. Hubba hubba shuckseedoodle. I'm sorry, a lot of my readers are lapsed nuns, I shouldn't be engaging in such disgusting verbal mouthage. 

Don't be afraid to crack open a tub of Greek yogurt and pour it over yourself at your local tip whilst laughing maniacally. 

Sagittarius

The Old Vic, in Waterloo, London is one of the oldest, most beautiful theatres in the World. It was the original home of the National Theatre company from 1963 until the building on the Southbank opened in 1976. Sarah Siddons, an 18th century tragedienne, is said to haunt the theatre (because of course theatres have ghosts. The only ghosts this writer believes in are theatre ghosts, all other ghosts are shit).

So, as I said earlier, Sagittariuses are in for a shitty month. Perhaps the shittiest of all. 

Do I have to elaborate? Do you really want to know? Wouldn't you rather have a surprise? No? For fuck's sake. 

You'll stub your toe. 

Capricorn

Oh, the Theatre Royal, Haymarket. One of my favourites. Boy does this place have some ghosts. John Baldwin Buckstone, a manager of the theatre in the 19th century, has been spotted by Dame Judi Dench and Sir Patrick Stewart. I genuinely don't think Ms Dench is capable of lying, so you better believe it.

Oh, Capricorns have it great! Capricorns won't stub their toe. Capricorns are little angels. Capricorns are the teacher's pets of the universe. It sends down cosmic energy, mainly in the form of Wi-Fi, to you every day because you're such goody goodies. No, i'm not bitter, i'm just pissed off, and bitter, and twisted. I was almost a Capricorn. I would have lead a very different life if I were. I would have become a renowned stage actor. I would have played Hamlet, Lear, Holofernes in Love's Labours Lost. I could have been a contender, I could have been somebody, instead of a deadbeat theatre critic, which is what I am, let's face it. 

Aquarius 

I know all these theatres are not only very London-centric, but also England-centric. So here's the Lyric Theatre, Belfast. Liam Neeson is a patron and has performed here many times. I'm not going to do a 'Taken' joke. Instead i'll do a joke about the time Neeson admitted he once wanted to kill a random black person. Umm... so racially-aggravated assault? What a bummer, huh?

It will have been a very tough year for you Aquariuses. Well it's about to get tougher. Not only will you stub your toe, but you'll also lose your job, lose your mortgage, lose your freedom and most strangely of all, lose your hands. Don't ask me how. The universe blah blah blah, cosmic rays blah blah blah, Darius the Satyr and Mars and Venus and Jupiter and Kepler 22-B blah blah blah Professor Brian Cox. I don't know, OK? This is not my area of expertise, if you're actually gleaning any wisdom from these readings, you need your head examined. Or you need to grow up. I'm a frustrated, middle-aged, balding, pot-bellied, old-fashioned romantic old fart currently nursing a pint of absinthe, poring over Microsoft Bing to see which star sign is next. Get over yourself and build up some inner steel instead of consulting crap like this. You know how, you do. You have the tools, you are enough, you are enough. You have the answers. Not in a Kanye West kind of way, but you have the answers. I believe in you with every fibre of my being, random NNNN reader. 

Pisces

Time to downsize. This is the Watermill Theatre in Newbury, West Berkshire. It's a converted watermill (what did you think it used to be? A Ladbrokes?) The Propeller Theatre Company began life at the Watermill. Isn't it such a cosy, charming, delicious, joyous little sanctuary? 

OK, if you're still reading after that last entry, you must be a total nut job. So i'm going to treat you like one. stop the steal! Trump won the election! He won in a landslide! QAnon! Trump 2020! Stop the steal! Stop the steal! The truth is out there! Sasquatch 2024! Save America! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! Ed Sheeran is the greatest folk singer of all time! Peter Kay is hilarious! Never Say Never Again is by far the greatest Bond film, Phantom Menace is the best Star Wars film. Lindsay Lohan is a better stage actor than Simon Russell Beale, Mark Rylance and Kathryn Hunter combined! The Gielgud Theatre should be renamed the Gareth Gates Theatre. Henry VI Part III is the best Shakespeare play! Shakespeare and Dickens are the same person. Melons! Kumquat! Lights! Camera! Poopy pants! Take me hoooooome, country roaaaaaaaads, to the plaaaaaaaace, I beloooooooong, Clacton-On-Sea!!!

Right, that should do it. That was truly an awful ordeal and I want to distance myself from everything i've just written. 

The glorious Kathryn Hunter in 'Kafka's Monkey' at The Young Vic. If you have an opportunity to see a great actor weave their magic, grab it with both hands. Actors are ethereal, they don't last forever. I will forever regret not seeing Henry Irving on stage. But I suppose there's nothing I could've done about being born 60 years after he died. 

I cannot fucking wait for theatre to return. I miss everything. I miss finding out my seat is in the middle of the row and making very polite British middle-class guilty jokes like "Oops, there's always one isn't there? ha ha!". I miss walking up the old staircases in West End theatres and seeing all the old posters from past productions and not being able to stop and look at them for as long as i'd want because people are behind me. I miss the musty, mystical smell that graces your nostrils as you enter the auditorium, I always imagine an old haggard theatre witch has cast an ancient spell on the space and anyone who walks into it is immediately spellbound and held in captivity till the players be done with thee. I miss being told "this isn't your seat, sir" and arguing my case in hushed tones until i'm forced to admit my error and laugh politely but silently cursing the young hipster couple who clearly don't really want to be there. I miss walking out into the midsummer evening in the interval for a smoke break, listening to people talk about how the actor playing Tybalt who happens to be in Coronation Street looks shorter in the flesh. I miss the moment when the lights go down in the auditorium, and everyone in the audience feels this spine-tingling sense of danger. Anything could happen, within reason. I miss the coughing, the whispering, the laughing, the rustling of sweet wrappers (seriously who brings sweets to watch Medea?), the clinking of champagne glasses, the smell of old patrons some of whom would have seen Olivier, Ashcroft, maybe even David Garrick in this very theatre. I miss it with an intensity no horoscopes could ever articulate. And until then, I think I speak for all theatre lovers here, I am not the person I am meant to be without my beloved theatre. Now, fuck off, i'm off to eat a crunchie and binge-watch Arrested Development. 

If you thought Keith Brown's readings actually made some sort of cosmic sense, please email dignitas@dignitas.ch to book an appointment with one of our specialists today. And if you think that's too dark a joke to end the article on, don't worry, it's not a joke. 

 

Predicting 2021: What Could Happen This Year? Crystal Ball With Muriel Sticks

The editor told me to write an introduction to this article but it'll basically just sound like, "2020 will be remembered by many for the wrong reasons", blah blah blah, "No one could have expected", blah blah blah, "a global pandemic, racial unrest, US Election, Lancashire woman gets fined for riding a donkey through local sandpit", blah di blah di blah. So I'm just going to dive straight into the meat and potatoes of it all so I can go have a bath with my new gold, frankincense, Myrrh, peppermint cupcake fizzy sex bomb lavender bath bomb. I'm Muriel Sticks, and this is the year ahead:

January

A fuck tonne will happen in January. On the 6th, Mike Pence, in his role as president of the senate, will certify the election in Joe Biden's favour, probably causing a rift between him and Donald Trump. I don't quite know what Pence could do otherwise, unless he calls on God to smite the entire Capitol building down, like in Designated Survivor. Mike was widely tipped to be a future Republican candidate for president, but it's looking like Trump will run again in 2024, so Mike will probably hold back as he is the sub in the relationship. 

Thousands more people in the UK will receive the COVID-19 vaccine. I for one have never been more excited to be injected with a needle. I say that, my 20s were a wild ride. Vaccine misinformation is still rampant, but I think it's important that these conspiracy theorists blow off some steam, this is their Christmas. They seem to get off on contrarian opinions and phobia of experts. If this is the case, 2020 was one prolonged super-orgasm for them. 

10th of January will mark four years since the death of David Bowie. In over 50 cities worldwide, people will gather to pay tribute by simultaneously firing their grandparent's ashes up into space to join him. Officials have warned the sheer volume of ashes will form a thick layer of smog in the ozone layer likened to volcanic ash, disrupting air travel for at least a month and shrouding the Earth in near darkness.

February

A fuck tonne will happen in February also. The US will be getting used to having an old white conservative man as president for a change. Biden will likely not be seen in public much in his first year, both because of the virus and possible right-wing nutjobs with guns. Everything depends on the January 6th senate run-offs in Georgia. If the Democrats lose, Biden will be hamstrung by Republican senate majority leader Mitch McConnell's fetish for blocking legislation that helps people's lives. I don't subscribe to the whole 'world leaders are reptilians' theory, but McConnell is certainly some sort of dug-up re-animated maggot-infested Confederate corpse.

Elon Musk will say something stupid this month. His followers will defend him and Musk will face no consequences.

March

A biopic of COVID-19 will be announced in March. Not a biopic of the pandemic, or healthcare workers, but the virus itself. Speculation will surround who plays COVID, Daniel Day-Lewis, Gary Oldman, Gael Garcia Bernal & Frances McDormand will likely be top contenders. Wes Anderson will probably direct, giving the film a jovial and eccentric spin.

An Earthquake will happen in Belgium this month, but will barely register on the Richter scale. 

Sometime in March, The Indian Space Research Organization will launch their Chandrayaan-3 Moon mission. The mission will be a success and India will colonize the Moon, with Narendra Modi declaring himself 'president of the Moon'. Foreign dignitaries of several nations will fly to the Moon to meet Modi. Demonic Wrath, the British foreign secretary, will visit and get lost in the Sea of Tranquility, launching a rescue mission which will ultimately fail due to lack of funds. 

Jacob Rees-Mogg will say something stupid this month. His followers will defend him and Rees-Mogg will face no consequences.

April

Liverpool will be declared Premier League champions this month for a second consecutive season. Manchester City will scrape back into second place despite a rocky start to the season, Manchester United will take third place, Chelsea fourth. An attempt will be made by an Everton fan to hack Mo Salah's boots before the Merseyside Derby. Liverpool captain Jordan Henderson will notice his teammate's boots have been tampered with and will receive an MBE for his heroism. Henderson will then take over the role of Elliot Alderson in 'Mr Robot' from Rami Malek.

10,000,000 deadly locusts will be released in Finland as part of an April fool's prank, resulting in Finland going into lockdown. Musician Sting will perform in a charity benefit concert in the city of Espoo to raise money for Finnish farmers. Miley Cyrus will decline to perform, causing a diplomatic stand-off between Finland and the United States. Finnish-American relations will be eased when vice president Kamala Harris visits Helsinki and dances with some children or something. 

Morrissey will say something stupid this month. His followers will defend him and Morrissey will face no consequences.

May

An amazing archaeological discovery will be made in May by archaeologists working in South Africa. The findings will prove early hominids were formed and lived in the Earth's core and have gradually burrowed their way up across millions of years. The discovery will spark a renewed sense of Human compassion between creationists and evolutionists, both having been debunked by these new findings. I personally would welcome some consensus nowadays. Still, there will be those who doubt the South African discovery. The authorities will likely invite all the anti-science people worldwide who doubt their findings to travel to Johannesburg and travel down to the Earth's core. A malfunction in the lift will trap these people in the Earth's mantle. The rescue mission will ultimately be unsuccessful due to lack of funds. 

Amy Coney Barrett will say something stupid this month. Her followers will defend her and Coney Barrett will face no consequences.

June

UK Transport Secretary Grant Shapps will abolish the motorways in June, using approximately 100 million sticks of dynamite. The detonation will create a nationwide spectacle, broadcast live on the BBC, presented by Clare Balding. Dancers from the Royal Academy in lime-coloured leotards will then dance atop Eddie Stobart lorries aligned to spell 'Build back better' when viewed from above. 

Republicans in the US House of Representatives will attempt to impeach Joe Biden this month. The Democrats, who hold the majority in the house, will swiftly shoot down the attempt. Congressman Devin Nunes (R-Cal) will front the effort to impeach the president. They will claim Biden was actually born in the small Cotswolds village of Mickleton, England. The residents of Mickleton will soon get used to having CNN and Fox News vans camping in their luscious, unspoiled countryside. MAGA supporters donning their red caps will swarm to the village in anger, but after getting to know the Mickleton residents, they will be seduced by their vegetable-growing ways and choose to swap their red caps for farmer's caps. 

A heatwave will say something stupid this month. It's followers will defend it and the heatwave will face no consequences.

July

Louis Theroux will be arrested in the US this month. He'll be caught smuggling drugs into the country using his endearing, mild, child-like way of speaking. Theroux will be sent to the same Miami super-max prison he once filmed a documentary in. The contacts he made in said documentary will serve him well in the volatile and highly explosive prison environment. Upon being released, thanks to the efforts of Demonic Wrath (who found his way back from the Moon) Theroux's character will have altered dramatically. Gone will be the days where he presents documentaries on cults, weird hobbies or political extremists. He'll now be used as an interrogator on SAS: Who Dares Wins? 

England will win the European Championships this month. It'll become compulsory for every British citizen to have a tattoo of Harry Kane on either buttock. Arsenal fans will revolt, causing a long overdue police crackdown on Arsenal fans. 

Johnny Depp will say something stupid this month. His followers will defend him and Depp will face no consequences. 

August

August will be the most volatile month of 2021. As a result of the Pfizer vaccine, millions of vaccinated people will experience extreme muscle spasms and pledge allegiance to an obscure Pagan deity. Authorities will attempt to subdue the mass gatherings, but their attempts will prove futile. Large cardboard effigies of Jeff Bezos, Bill Gates, Elon Musk & Mark Zuckerberg will be burnt in the Welsh countryside. Bezos himself will then be strapped to a Bucking Bronco bull by two Minotaurs in chain-mail, be forced to ride it for fourteen days, then be forced to listen to Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, talk about fraternity.

Brazilian footballer Neymar Jr. will retire from football this month and switch to Cricket. 

To raise money for British theatre, Sir Ian McKellen will ride naked through the streets of Coventry on horseback.

The public zeitgeist will say something stupid this month. It's followers will defend it and the zeitgeist will face no consequences.

September

Former UK prime minister Margaret Thatcher's consciousness will be uploaded to the Sun this month. The project, which up until then would have been kept top secret by the Conservative Party, will have been in development since 2013, the date of Thatcher's death. 'Britain's Grandmother' as she is fondly remembered, will keep the nation's morale sky-high, literally, as she sings Ave Maria to us during the day, and barks her famous words "no, no, no" during the night on a continuous loop. 

Comedian Russell Brand will be sold at a Sotheby's auction in September. The auction will receive little press coverage, but The Daily Express will claim Brand was bought by the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia, Mohammed Bin Salman to use as a PR manager, helping to bolster the Kingdom's image as an approachable, friendly, non-hostile place which doesn't take itself too seriously. 

Donald Trump will fall down one of the holes whilst golfing at his Mar-a-Lago resort in Florida this month. It will turn out Trump's drink had been spiked beforehand, altering his perception of reality, forcing him to believe the large hole he fell into was actually a normal size golfing hole. People will suspect a number of different people as the culprit. Mike Pence, still angry that his dom is running in 2024, will be the main candidate. Steve Bannon, Hillary Clinton, Tom Hanks & Attorney General Barron Trump will be the others. 

A celebrity that hasn't yet become a celebrity at the start of 2021 will say something stupid this month. Their followers will defend them and the celebrity that hasn't yet become a celebrity at the start of 2021 will face no consequences. 

October

Prince Phillip, Duke of Edinburgh will drive a Land Rover into a job centre this month. The Duke will then be forced to fill out a tedious amount of paperwork and be asked futile and convoluted questions about his finances and his work experience, all the while being heavily judged by the staff. Phillip will end up being sanctioned for saying "this is bloody nonsense". He'll then collaborate with filmmaker and activist Ken Loach on a film identical to I, Daniel Blake, but with Phillip as the leading character. 'I, Phillip' will influence the Department for Work and Pensions' policies almost immediately, and everything will be OK.

A new species of giant invertebrate fish will be discovered deep in the Mariana Trench by marine biologists. The internet will be asked to name the new species. 'libtardia cucktrump' will be the most popular result. Sir David Attenborough will present a BBC series on the find, 'Attenborough: In Search of Cucktrump'.

UN Secretary-General Antonio Guterres will announce the end to World suffering this month. Guterres' resulting popularity will result in him being given many sponsorship deals with companies such as Nike, Unilever, Google, Apple, Facebook, Twitter, Yorkshire Farm Foods, Microsoft, Amazon & Exxon Mobil.

A Cambridge University academic whom people claimed to know before she made the controversial comments will say something stupid this month. Her claimed followers will defend her and the Cambridge University academic whom people claimed to know before she made the controversial comments will face no consequences. 

November

Prince Charles will make an unsuccessful attempt to climb the north face of the Eiger, a mountain in the Bernese Alps, to celebrate his 73rd birthday. The rescue mission will ultimately be unsuccessful due to lack of funds. 

Bush fires will rage through the Australian bush this month. This is not a funny one, this will probably genuinely happen. 

Mexican drug cartels will successfully infiltrate the US embassy in Mexico City, capturing over 100 employees and demanding $5,000,000,000 in ransom. Again, this is not funny. This is an entirely plausible event. 

A tornado will sweep through the Indonesian island of Bali, causing much devastation and loss of life. This is not a joke, this could very possibly happen. Let's hope to God it doesn't.

Joe Biden will announce November 17th as 'Dicks Out For Harambe Day'. Every US citizen with the necessary bodily appendage will legally have to flaunt it in public for 24 hours. The US president himself will address the nation with his flipper resting on the resolute desk in the Oval office. David Cameron will claim he's 'under the weather'.

Captain Pugwash will say something stupid this month. His followers will defend him and Pugwash will face no consequences.

December

Martin Scorsese will announce himself as John F. Kennedy's assassin in December. Scorsese will claim he carried out the assassination in order to create material for a film 20 years in the future. The film, which never came to fruition, will be announced with a planned release date of November 2023. 

World leaders will announce a ban on mentioning 2020, punishable by death. 

Bernie Sanders will attempt a military coup d'etat on December 20th. CNN won't cover the Coup, prompting accusations of bias by the progressive faction of the Democratic Party.

The esteemed news publication 'News, News, News, News' will go into administration on Boxing day. The paper, which has been operating since before records began, will be forced to apologize to it's two monthly readers, who will attempt to keep the ailing paper going via a substantial donation. The donations will be no less than £500,000 each, in cash, delivered to an undercover agent who'll be in contact with you covertly throughout the year. The aforementioned agent is not as forgiving as he may seem and carries a fully functional 15th century medieval mace. 

Festive ennui will say something stupid this month. It's followers will defend it and ennui will face no consequences. 

Undecimber

Oh yes, I forgot to mention, one of Donald Trump's last acts in office will be to announce a major change to the Gregorian calendar, the addition of a thirteenth month, Undecimber. It won't be legally recognized by any countries other than the US, but will soon catch on. UK prime minister Boris Johnson will go along with the gambit to consolidate the UK and US' 'special relationship'. Former PM Tony Blair will approve. 

Meet me back at the end of 2021 to see how many predictions I got right. Prepare to be humbled. And no I'm not planning on attacking the US embassy in Mexico City just to see that prediction come true, grow up. 

Wishing everyone reading this a new year. A very new year,

Muriel.

Joe Biden Considering Barron Trump For Attorney General

President-elect Joseph Robinette Biden Jr. is reportedly considering Donald Trump's youngest son Barron for the role of Attorney General in his administration. According to the anonymous sources, the move is meant to appease some of the more hardcore Trump supporters, many of whom refuse to believe Biden won the election, alleging widespread voter fraud. Biden is said to believe having a Trump in his administration will 'heal the wounds that divide this great country'.

Appointing Barron, who turns 15 in March, would be an unprecedented move for an incoming president. Never before has a president appointed a minor to a major cabinet role, let alone the child of the outgoing president. If appointed and confirmed by the senate, Barron would take on the role of chief lawyer to the federal government of the United States. According to Wikipedia, the original duties of the Attorney General were "to prosecute and conduct all suits in the Supreme Court in which the United States shall be concerned, and to give his advice and opinion upon questions of law when required by the president of the United States...". 

The Trump administration saw two Attorney Generals, Jeff Sessions of Alabama and William Barr of New York. Sessions' relationship with Trump bittered throughout 2018 as a result of investigations into Russian interference in the 2016 election, and Sessions' recusal from that investigation causing increasing aggro between the two septuagenarians. Barr's 2nd term as AG will mainly be remembered for 'The Barr letter', an extremely sparse redaction of the Mueller report into interference in the 2016 election, criticized by some as an over-simplified piece of partisan propaganda.  

If appointed, Barron Trump will likely have a lot on his plate. His father is reportedly considering appointing a special counsel to look into Joe Biden's son, Hunter Biden and allegations of tax fraud. Such a move would cause particular awkwardness for the incoming president and Attorney General. Biden's strategy in appointing Barron to this role is potentially to show impartiality and a bi-partisan approach to justice. Trump the younger would soon have to sink his teeth into a considerably rocky political balancing act, loyalty to the president and loyalty to his father's smear campaign.

President-Elect Joseph Robinette Biden Jr.

A source close to Barron Trump told News, News, News, News that he secretly relishes the thought of holding such massive power. "Barron has spent four years living in the shadow not only of his father, but also his two older half-brothers and half-sister (not Tiffany), he hides it well, but he's a a shrewd and tactful political operator who will strangle his enemies into submission without them even knowing. The guy's a beast, White House staff call him 'Trump Volpone' ('sly fox' in English) due to his wily, manipulative, charming nature."

Several progressive US political figures are outraged by the rumour, which is yet to be addressed by Biden's transition team. Kyle Kulinski, host of 'Secular Talk' said he felt 'physically ill' when he heard Biden was considering such an appointment. Tape Jacker, a news anchor for CNSBCSNSNSNSNBCNCNCN Morning Cuppa With Joel and Ferrari Crystals thinks the story is "a flat out lie! I know Biden, I went to his wedding, he would not appoint a kid to a cabinet role."

But right-wing radio commentator Alex Shaffer, Lord Protector of Breitbart News claims to have read an email sent by the Biden team explaining what they were looking for in an AG. "Basically the email says Biden wants to appoint a member of the Trump family, he thought Eric was too stupid, Don Jr. was too busy writing another book to follow the critically-acclaimed 'Triggered: How the Left Thrives on Hate and Wants to Silence us' and Ivanka was too attractive, which would distract Biden like it's distracted Trump. As for Tiffany, the email just contained around 50 'crying with laughter emojis', so Barron it is". 

Analysis: Keith Brown (from the theatre desk)

****

It certainly isn't everyday that you hear a president is considering appointing a child as their chief lawyer. But these are unprecedented times. This article is certainly nonsense, but is it good nonsense? Well, it's middling.

The writer opens solidly in the first few paragraphs, the characters are introduced: Joseph Robinette Biden Jr. a near 80 year old man who's just been elected president, succeeding an autocratic, hugely divisive figure known as Donald Trump. Trump's son Barron is the central character in the piece, a 14 year old blank canvas who is largely ignored by the other characters. The journalist in the piece claims he's read sources that indicate Barron might be chosen as the next Attorney General of the United States. Although an intriguing premise, this particular event seems so far-fetched, it was hard to be properly invested whilst watching it. 

But what the writer does do well is build sympathy for Barron and his political ambitions. There is a scene where several White House staff congregate and talk about Barron and his character. One of them calls him 'Trump Volpone' which is clearly meant to be a reference to Elizabethan dramatist Ben Jonson's 1605 play 'Volpone'. It's obvious the writer wishes the audience to admire the breadth of his reading, but it just comes across as arrogant, he probably hasn't read all that much, the pseudo-intellectual fuckwit.

Henry Goodman in the title role of 'Volpone', RSC Swan Theatre, 2015. This writer misses theatre and is fucking bored of politics.

All in all, the play is a success, but probably won't transfer to the West End anytime soon. Not even COVID itself would want to watch this. The lighting is a particular strong point, mesmeric and tranquil. A sapphire blue hue is projected onto a backdrop of Washington D.C in the early scenes. Later that blue turns to a fiery red as tensions simmer in the oval office. Jenny Bassett's costumes are regal and intricate, fit for the proudest statesman. One can imagine Pete Buttigieg wearing them sitting at a fake resolute desk listening to his own audio book with his hands down his pants in some funhouse mirrors. Barron wears a toga in some scenes whilst Donald Trump Jr. wears a white pointy conical hat. 

If you were expecting some drab, boring political analysis, I apologize. I'm a theatre critic first and foremost. Due to the News, News, News, News staff shortage, i've been forced to cover all sections of the publication, next week i'll be doing horoscopes, women's sex tips, 10 Origami tips to get creative this Christmas, FTSE 2020: a year in review & The Obituaries: COVID-19 Extravaganza!

Dear Eileen: How Do I Make This Christmas Special?

My name is (Fmr) sister Eileen Kirkup. I am 76 years old and I am a lapsed nun. I enjoy wax play and baking. 

This week's question comes from Daphne in Shropshire. Daphne asks, "Dear Eileen, how do I make this a special Christmas? I live alone and am unable to see any family. I don't ask for sympathy, but I'm having trouble thinking of ways to enjoy myself this Christmas. Any ideas?"

My Child,

This truly has been an annus horribilis. I am ever so sorry to hear about your situation. This is the time of year when we wish to be close to family and friends, the pandemic has driven a Stanley knife through traditions we hold sacred. 

That being said, I do believe one can find ways to spice up their Christmas day, even if one is alone. Let me introduce you to (Fmr) sister Eileen's extraordinary Christmas isolation bucket list! 

Music

My child, you must have music. You shall have music. Music is the soul's balm, it's a spiritual loofah, reaching the places of your deep unconscious other art forms, like woodwork, just cannot. Music illuminates us, transforms us, it allows us to stare our pain square in the face and enjoy ourselves while we do it. 

Music and Christmas are traditionally intertwined, joined at the hip, so to speak. One might enjoy some of the more modern 'Xmas' ballads, Mariah Carey's 'All I Want For Christmas is You', Chris Rea's 'Driving Home For Christmas' or 'Merry Muthafuckin' Xmas' by Eazy-E.

If one is a tad more traditional, one might like to listen to 'Silent Night', 'O Tannenbaum', 'O Holy Night' or 'In the Bleak Mid-Winter'. 

My personal favourite, the music I listen to every Christmas morning come rain or shine are a set of Gregorian chants, which form the central tradition of Western plainchant, a form of monophonic, unaccompanied sacred song usually performed in Latin. One might be surprised to hear that a lapsed Nun still holds this music dear, but, my child, one never stops loving music. I sit looking out over my back garden, tears in my eyes, nursing a glass of mulled wine as 'Agnus dei' plays on my surround sound speakers. It is quite simply a blissful, innocent Christmas tradition that I look forward to every festive season.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MgHclJGCOPY

Decoration

Speaking of the garden. One might not have such a space, but even if one doesn't, it's important one makes full use of the space around one, furnish it, decorate it, make it one's own. 

I consider myself very lucky to have a small garden and I take full advantage of it, especially around winter when a lot of people choose to ignore it. Usually around the 10th of December you'll see me lumbering around my village with a great big pile of plants including holly, mistletoe, yew, poinsettias, amaryllis, English ivy, and Christmas cacti (yes, Christmas cacti! What will they think of next?). It is one of my great yearly festive joys to spend a long afternoon tending to my garden. 

One must be careful with several of those aforementioned plants though, my child. They can be extremely poisonous to animals and humans alike. Yew contains chemicals called taxines that quickly cause an irregular heartbeat if eaten, it is known to be life-threatening. English Ivy can cause skin inflammation and dogs have been known to die from consuming mistletoe. But apart from those dangers, if one is vigilant and cautious, one will have a beautiful, Christmassy garden to wake up to!

Food

Just like music, food and Christmas are joined at the hip. One might enjoy making some mince pies, or a beautiful Christmas cake topped with marzipan. But there are some lesser known traditional Christmas foods that one might find very intriguing (and mouth-watering) indeed. Our German friends like to make 'stollen' a dried fruit cake made with walnuts, raisins, spices and rum. It's certainly a heavy dessert and make sure your stollen isn't stolen! I humour you, of course, my child, the neighbourhood watch are extra vigilant this time of year.

Our Italian friends make a kind of sweet bread called 'panettone'. Just like the stollen, panettone is stuffed with raisins, sultanas and various other fruits.The Greeks make a sweet pastry dish known as 'baklava', containing chopped nuts mixed with syrup sauce and sweet honey. 

If none of this takes your fancy remember a nice traditional Christmas dinner can still be made for one person. Pigs in blankets, a nice healthy dollop of sprouts (my favourite), parsnip mash, broccoli, carrots, roast potatoes and of course turkey. 

Boil the sprouts, my child, mash the parsnips, wrap the sausages with bacon, cook the broccoli, cook the carrots, roast the potatoes. Make sure God is watching you, my child. He's angry. He's very angry. Don't piss him off, my child, don't piss your God off! Praise him, he made all things. Boil the fucking broccoli, you heathen, you unbeliever! Boil the carrots, the sprouts, watch them die, watch them repent, "Save us" scream the cretinous little parsnips, all smug and faithless and wrapped in doubt, smug gits. Glory be to God, he's furious. He's angry, my child, you better believe it. The end is nigh, the rapture is upon us. Repent your sins and kill that turkey. Jesus Christ died for our sins and this turkey will die in infamy, praise be to Jesus, my child, praise be the Jesus and all who follow him. GOD IS ANGRY, HE'S GOING TO CREATE A FLOOD WHICH WILL END ALL OF HUMANITY, THIS IS THE LAST CHRISTMAS, MY CHILD, SAVE YOURSELF, REPENT. QANON, STOP THE STEAL, TAKE BACK CONTROL *&^%%^%%*())%$&())(&^KGFGHJC%.

Don't Sweat the Small Stuff

My child, i'd like to apologize for that outburst. I'm sometimes plagued with severe existential doubt. People think it's easy for those who have left religion behind and have developed a new outlook on life, but in truth, it's a sort of bereavement. I am bereaved of sense. Some days, nothing makes sense to me. In a year like this, these cavernous feelings of impending doom are ever so frightening. But one must never let oneself spiral. One must believe that one has an adamantine inner steel, even when one feels weak and breached of all comfort and knowing. 

The most important thing to remember this Christmas is you are not alone. God may not be watching you, but you can be sure as hell the neighbourhood watch are. I know a gentleman in my village, Carl, who takes this security very seriously. Even if the crime rates in my village are extraordinarily low, Carl patrols the streets every night with a head torch, a rake and a dog whistle (Carl has a crippling fear of mythical black dogs so carries a dog whistle wherever he goes. I've told the old boy that there's unlikely to be a giant blood-thirsty hound in Budgens, but he won't listen). Carl and I have struck up quite a close friendship, it's rather wonderful to find such a jolly good companion so late in life. Who knows what the future holds? 

My child, I wish you a very happy Christmas and marvelous new year. I'm off to apologize to my neighbour, their Jack Russell dog ingested some of my mistletoe which was hanging over their fence and unfortunately died. I feel awfully mortified. The children loved that dog. At least I'll be having a good night's sleep for the first time in 5 years! Silver linings, my child, silver linings!

Yours Truly,

Eileen.

This is Carl, the neighbourhood watch gentleman in my village. He's holding a Whale penis! What a naughty sense of humour he has!

House of Lords to Replace Red Leather Benches Amidst Constitutional Urine Crisis

The House of Lords have today announced they plan to replace their famous red leather benches owing to the strong odours of urine being reported in the chamber. 

The 'Urine Crisis of 2020' as it's being coined by some, began in August when the familiar aroma was commented on by Baroness Forsyth of Clandestyn. "One ought not to be subjected to such smells when one is in one's place of work. One detected a pungent and rather disagreeable smell emanating from the opposition benches."

Baroness Forsyth, who was appointed to the House of Lords in 1925, sits on the Conservative benches. Although her claims would suggest the urine smells emanated from the Labour benches, several sources have suggested otherwise. Lordswatch, a nonprofit organization which regularly surveys the House of Lords chamber for structural inadequacy or signs of archaic obsolescence, said they believe the unfortunate miasma to have originated on the Conservative benches.

"We believe quite firmly that Baroness Forsyth's assertions are categorically untrue", the organization told us by fax. "We performed several tests in the chamber, collecting samples from the seats, swabbed spittle from some geriatric Barons and asked Bishops to urinate in a test tube during morning prayers. As a result of this rigorous and time-consuming research, we can say with 100% accuracy that the urination happened on the Conservative benches. Who'd have thought octogenarian Tories could be responsible for such a pungent and suffocating smell?"

Workmen will need at least four weeks to work on maintenance to eradicate the parliamentary pong out of existence. While this maintenance work will be fairly easy and cheap to undertake, a problem has arisen. How does one temporarily accommodate 796 members? And how does one ask the members already situated in the chamber to leave?

Colm Caoihmin, CEO of Wiltshire Antique Relocation Ltd. (WAR) has been called upon by the Leader of the House of Lords to find a solution. "I have to admit, when I took this job at WAR, I didn't think I'd one day be tasked with shifting aging bureaucrats from luxurious chambers of carved wood, gold leaf with embossed leather seats". Caoihmin accepts that he'll receive some considerable opposition from more stubborn peers. "I have a blacklist of around two dozen members who might raise a stink, so to speak". This blacklist is said to include Liberal Democrat peer Lord Flopsweat of Sprite-Marigold de Clune, Labour's Baroness Gillette of Paris Saint-Germain and the Lord Bishop of Colchester Sponsored by Uber Eats.

The urine smell is said to have happened during this particular session. Any guesses which one it might be?

The House of Lords has historically been a controversial constitutional talking point. When Tony Blair crusaded to power in circa 1997 AD, one of the promises in Labour's manifesto was to remove the hereditary peers from the Lords entirely. After a long and bitter war between the reformers and the more conservative peers, during which many Labour members' pints of IPA were contaminated with spiteful aristocratic ejaculate, it was agreed 92 hereditary peers would be able, at any one time, to sit in the Lords. The House of Lords Act 1999 marked a drastic and hugely watered-down historical change for UK politics. 

Analysis: Alejandro Hitchens 

First of all may I just say it's about time I was invited to write for an esteemed publication like News, News, News, News? I've spent my career writing horoscopes for dentist waiting room magazines and creating fake Twitter accounts to influence elections and public opinion. Remember Brexit? You're welcome lmao. It feels good to finally step out of the shadow cast by my two older brothers.Well, the dead one at least.

Right, so this urine debacle. Honestly, I turn away for one second and the next thing I know bodily fluids are testing the strength of our democracy. Talk about a 'golden age'. For fuck's sake. I remember back in my college days, Thatcher was banning milk in schools, The Aristocats was in cinemas, you were able to wear a balaclava and throw bricks at the local Pakistani-owned corner shop and not be called a racist by the PC liberal media. The good ol' days. 

Back in the good ol' days the House of Lords was a great and mighty institution filled to the brim by proper upper class, upper crust gentlemen who actually gave a toss about ol' blighty and her beautiful complexion. The Daily Mail recently did a study, funded by an anonymous donor known as 'A Banks', which showed the House of Lords will be entirely populated by people born after 1960 by 2050. Am I the only one who won't let this stand? Why won't athletes kneel for this cause?

So why has the Lords reached rock bottom? Well, to answer this question we'll need to examine power. Those who have it, those who wield it, those who want it, those who crave it, those who forsake it, those who want it back and those who can't make up their minds. 

Jordan Peterson, my spiritual Daddy, the modern day Aristotle and the sexiest, most telegenic piece of meat academia has ever seen, said "Power is competence". I wholeheartedly agree with Daddy Peterson and I don't care if his critics say he only appeals to white, adolescent, empathically-challenged, far-right, gullible teenage men obsessed with the grievance studies affair (did you know that Peter Boghossian, one of the philosophers involved in the affair wrote a foreword for Stefan Molyneux's book? Stefan Molyneux, the white supremacist, the eugenecist?) because he appeals to me too, and i'm in my 60s. As far as i'm concerned his word is gospel. I'm currently working on a marble statue of him standing 7ft tall in a heroic pose, naked as the day Mama Peterson birthed him, with chiseled, glistening abs, hung like a Playboy-Mansion-Minotaur-gigolo with golden locks of lustrous, silky hair meandering down to his firm buttocks. 

But I digress. 

Power is indeed competence. But what is competence? One might say competence is being able to sit through a 15-minute speech in the House of Lords without pissing oneself. I would. Even if the pissing culprit has 50 years of experience in British political life, isn't it right that they forswear all 'pomp and majesty' when the gremlins of incontinence whisper in their ear? Isn't it right that they 'deny their sacred state' when crucial legislation isn't being debated due to the chamber smelling like the urinals at a Championship football club's stadium? I bloody well think so.

Power is meant to be ethereal, fleeting and temporary. It's meant to be handled responsibly and passed on to the next geezer when the time is right. It's not to be coveted and gripped tightly with both talons. 

The US has just elected a 78 year old president, who'll succeed a 74 year old. Granted, the 78 year old isn't obese and he doesn't believe physical exercise wastes the finite energy of the human body (that's not a joke, Trump actually believes that, go check it out, this is the guy you love, Karen). 

Joe Biden has run for president three times, in 1988, 2008 and 2020. He was elected to the US Senate at 29 years old and has been a major figure on the US political stage for over half a century, mainly being on the wrong side of history for most of that time. Judging by these facts, it should be abundantly clear that Biden's always aspired to the top job. 

Now, let me talk about castration, political opportunism, Machiavellianism and opera. 

Castrati (plural) were male opera singers who could achieve notes similar to those of sopranos or contraltos. How did they achieve this, you ask? Ho ho ho! Are you sitting comfortably? Well, then i'll begin. 

Castration before puberty.

(No, again, this is real, this actually happened. This is the music you love, Karen).

One of the most famous Castrato singers was Farinelli, who became a court favourite of Spanish King Philip V. Philip's wife, Elisabetta Farnese believed Farinelli's voice could cure her husband's deep depression. It's an incredibly poignant story and the subject of Claire Van Kampen's 2015 play 'Farinelli and the King'. 

Farinelli, (real name: Carlo Maria Michelangelo Nicola Broschi) the most famous castrati singer of his time (1705-1782)

The only Castrato whose voice is on record is Alessandro Moreschi, who made the recordings in 1902 and 1904. The practice largely fizzed out after the 18th century. It was made illegal in Italy in 1861, and after that, only a few Castrati could be found in the darkened corners of the Sistine Chapel, lamenting their outcast state. 

In Martin St. John Travers' 2006 book 'The Castratocracy: A Dystopian Britain Imagined', he envisages a political system whereby politicians can only achieve certain ministerial jobs if they've undergone castration. The book is part narrative, charting the political rise of the fictional Bernard Jones, MP for New Sarum, who is forced to choose between ambition and his genitals. 

St. John Travers also devotes a large portion of his book to theorizing the constitutional ramifications of such a system. Would the term 'Machiavellian' be common parlance? Would journalists accuse ambitious politicians of 'climbing the greasy pole'? Would Michael Gove even exist? Who would occupy these positions of power? What seems at first like a silly, futile, nonsensical dystopian fiction could actually reveal a lot about power, human nature and who we elect to make key political decisions. 

Michael Gove, Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster and Minister for the Cabinet Office, has often been included in 'Weird Crush' lists in women's fox-hunting magazines found in the Cotswolds area.

In the opening chapter he asks us to take a look at today's government, mainly the four 'great offices of state', prime minister, chancellor of the exchequer, foreign secretary & home secretary, and determine whether the current occupants would still hold those jobs if the law required they underwent voluntary castration. In the home secretary's case it wouldn't work as 1) she's a woman, and 2) she'd be the one doing the castrating, as Philip Rutnam would attest.

If one thinks about St. John Travers' hypothesis, one would very much doubt that any one of Boris Johnson, Rishi Sunak and Demonic Wrath would happily forswear their nutsacks for the trappings of office. This was certainly my initial thought. But then I realized it's the other way round. We currently have a government (woman aside) full of politicians who would gladly be castrated if it meant ascending the ranks and gaining power. In case you're wondering, St. John Travers does briefly go into how this affects Machiavellian female politicians, but not very satisfactorily. In my review of the book in 'The Times Literary Supplement' I criticize the glaring omission of gender balance in the book.

The book has been compared by critics to George Orwell's '1984', Aldous Huxley's 'Brave New World' and Donald Trump Jr's 'Triggered: How the Left Thrives on Hate and Wants to Silence Us' and I can see why. St. John Travers has asked some very timely and relevant questions: how do we, the public, really view our politicians? Do we think they deserve the offices they hold? Would we idolize them if we knew they'd made such a life-changing bodily sacrifice? How differently would they make decisions in the national interest if they'd forfeited their bollocks? Would Boris Johnson be our prime minister? Or would he just be a lowly Sun journalist, living off his family's wealth and donating his sperm every week with the hope of building a dynasty of Etonian crooks, then realizing what he thought was a sperm clinic he'd been sending his samples to was actually a local launderette? 

Of course, there are several conspiracy theorists who believe world leaders have actually undergone voluntary castration to attain their power. The 'Illumicastrati Theory' spread online in the autumn of 2014 when a photograph circulated of the PM at the time, David Cameron, appearing to add some sort of balm to his genital area. Several anonymous users in various Internet forums pointed out that the area where his penis and scrotum should be was surprisingly smooth. George Osborne, the Chancellor at the time, lent credence to this theory when a leaked audio tape was released of him saying, albeit in a muffled tone, "He doesn't have any balls, for goodness' sake. If he did, he'd tell the ERG to stick it where the sun don't shine, but no, David chooses to acquiesce to the far right of his party. he's ball-less I tell you!"

While this is certainly interesting evidence of a wider Illumicastrato world order, I wouldn't spend too much time following any of these leads. St. John Travers' book has caught the British public's imagination. All other political literature centering on power and decision-making is now embarrassingly obsolete. The book devotes an entire chapter to the House of Lords and how it would function in a castratocracy. 

Needless to say, we would have no constitutional urine crisis if all the Lords were castrated.