Predicting 2021: What Could Happen This Year? Crystal Ball With Muriel Sticks

The editor told me to write an introduction to this article but it'll basically just sound like, "2020 will be remembered by many for the wrong reasons", blah blah blah, "No one could have expected", blah blah blah, "a global pandemic, racial unrest, US Election, Lancashire woman gets fined for riding a donkey through local sandpit", blah di blah di blah. So I'm just going to dive straight into the meat and potatoes of it all so I can go have a bath with my new gold, frankincense, Myrrh, peppermint cupcake fizzy sex bomb lavender bath bomb. I'm Muriel Sticks, and this is the year ahead:

January

A fuck tonne will happen in January. On the 6th, Mike Pence, in his role as president of the senate, will certify the election in Joe Biden's favour, probably causing a rift between him and Donald Trump. I don't quite know what Pence could do otherwise, unless he calls on God to smite the entire Capitol building down, like in Designated Survivor. Mike was widely tipped to be a future Republican candidate for president, but it's looking like Trump will run again in 2024, so Mike will probably hold back as he is the sub in the relationship. 

Thousands more people in the UK will receive the COVID-19 vaccine. I for one have never been more excited to be injected with a needle. I say that, my 20s were a wild ride. Vaccine misinformation is still rampant, but I think it's important that these conspiracy theorists blow off some steam, this is their Christmas. They seem to get off on contrarian opinions and phobia of experts. If this is the case, 2020 was one prolonged super-orgasm for them. 

10th of January will mark four years since the death of David Bowie. In over 50 cities worldwide, people will gather to pay tribute by simultaneously firing their grandparent's ashes up into space to join him. Officials have warned the sheer volume of ashes will form a thick layer of smog in the ozone layer likened to volcanic ash, disrupting air travel for at least a month and shrouding the Earth in near darkness.

February

A fuck tonne will happen in February also. The US will be getting used to having an old white conservative man as president for a change. Biden will likely not be seen in public much in his first year, both because of the virus and possible right-wing nutjobs with guns. Everything depends on the January 6th senate run-offs in Georgia. If the Democrats lose, Biden will be hamstrung by Republican senate majority leader Mitch McConnell's fetish for blocking legislation that helps people's lives. I don't subscribe to the whole 'world leaders are reptilians' theory, but McConnell is certainly some sort of dug-up re-animated maggot-infested Confederate corpse.

Elon Musk will say something stupid this month. His followers will defend him and Musk will face no consequences.

March

A biopic of COVID-19 will be announced in March. Not a biopic of the pandemic, or healthcare workers, but the virus itself. Speculation will surround who plays COVID, Daniel Day-Lewis, Gary Oldman, Gael Garcia Bernal & Frances McDormand will likely be top contenders. Wes Anderson will probably direct, giving the film a jovial and eccentric spin.

An Earthquake will happen in Belgium this month, but will barely register on the Richter scale. 

Sometime in March, The Indian Space Research Organization will launch their Chandrayaan-3 Moon mission. The mission will be a success and India will colonize the Moon, with Narendra Modi declaring himself 'president of the Moon'. Foreign dignitaries of several nations will fly to the Moon to meet Modi. Demonic Wrath, the British foreign secretary, will visit and get lost in the Sea of Tranquility, launching a rescue mission which will ultimately fail due to lack of funds. 

Jacob Rees-Mogg will say something stupid this month. His followers will defend him and Rees-Mogg will face no consequences.

April

Liverpool will be declared Premier League champions this month for a second consecutive season. Manchester City will scrape back into second place despite a rocky start to the season, Manchester United will take third place, Chelsea fourth. An attempt will be made by an Everton fan to hack Mo Salah's boots before the Merseyside Derby. Liverpool captain Jordan Henderson will notice his teammate's boots have been tampered with and will receive an MBE for his heroism. Henderson will then take over the role of Elliot Alderson in 'Mr Robot' from Rami Malek.

10,000,000 deadly locusts will be released in Finland as part of an April fool's prank, resulting in Finland going into lockdown. Musician Sting will perform in a charity benefit concert in the city of Espoo to raise money for Finnish farmers. Miley Cyrus will decline to perform, causing a diplomatic stand-off between Finland and the United States. Finnish-American relations will be eased when vice president Kamala Harris visits Helsinki and dances with some children or something. 

Morrissey will say something stupid this month. His followers will defend him and Morrissey will face no consequences.

May

An amazing archaeological discovery will be made in May by archaeologists working in South Africa. The findings will prove early hominids were formed and lived in the Earth's core and have gradually burrowed their way up across millions of years. The discovery will spark a renewed sense of Human compassion between creationists and evolutionists, both having been debunked by these new findings. I personally would welcome some consensus nowadays. Still, there will be those who doubt the South African discovery. The authorities will likely invite all the anti-science people worldwide who doubt their findings to travel to Johannesburg and travel down to the Earth's core. A malfunction in the lift will trap these people in the Earth's mantle. The rescue mission will ultimately be unsuccessful due to lack of funds. 

Amy Coney Barrett will say something stupid this month. Her followers will defend her and Coney Barrett will face no consequences.

June

UK Transport Secretary Grant Shapps will abolish the motorways in June, using approximately 100 million sticks of dynamite. The detonation will create a nationwide spectacle, broadcast live on the BBC, presented by Clare Balding. Dancers from the Royal Academy in lime-coloured leotards will then dance atop Eddie Stobart lorries aligned to spell 'Build back better' when viewed from above. 

Republicans in the US House of Representatives will attempt to impeach Joe Biden this month. The Democrats, who hold the majority in the house, will swiftly shoot down the attempt. Congressman Devin Nunes (R-Cal) will front the effort to impeach the president. They will claim Biden was actually born in the small Cotswolds village of Mickleton, England. The residents of Mickleton will soon get used to having CNN and Fox News vans camping in their luscious, unspoiled countryside. MAGA supporters donning their red caps will swarm to the village in anger, but after getting to know the Mickleton residents, they will be seduced by their vegetable-growing ways and choose to swap their red caps for farmer's caps. 

A heatwave will say something stupid this month. It's followers will defend it and the heatwave will face no consequences.

July

Louis Theroux will be arrested in the US this month. He'll be caught smuggling drugs into the country using his endearing, mild, child-like way of speaking. Theroux will be sent to the same Miami super-max prison he once filmed a documentary in. The contacts he made in said documentary will serve him well in the volatile and highly explosive prison environment. Upon being released, thanks to the efforts of Demonic Wrath (who found his way back from the Moon) Theroux's character will have altered dramatically. Gone will be the days where he presents documentaries on cults, weird hobbies or political extremists. He'll now be used as an interrogator on SAS: Who Dares Wins? 

England will win the European Championships this month. It'll become compulsory for every British citizen to have a tattoo of Harry Kane on either buttock. Arsenal fans will revolt, causing a long overdue police crackdown on Arsenal fans. 

Johnny Depp will say something stupid this month. His followers will defend him and Depp will face no consequences. 

August

August will be the most volatile month of 2021. As a result of the Pfizer vaccine, millions of vaccinated people will experience extreme muscle spasms and pledge allegiance to an obscure Pagan deity. Authorities will attempt to subdue the mass gatherings, but their attempts will prove futile. Large cardboard effigies of Jeff Bezos, Bill Gates, Elon Musk & Mark Zuckerberg will be burnt in the Welsh countryside. Bezos himself will then be strapped to a Bucking Bronco bull by two Minotaurs in chain-mail, be forced to ride it for fourteen days, then be forced to listen to Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, talk about fraternity.

Brazilian footballer Neymar Jr. will retire from football this month and switch to Cricket. 

To raise money for British theatre, Sir Ian McKellen will ride naked through the streets of Coventry on horseback.

The public zeitgeist will say something stupid this month. It's followers will defend it and the zeitgeist will face no consequences.

September

Former UK prime minister Margaret Thatcher's consciousness will be uploaded to the Sun this month. The project, which up until then would have been kept top secret by the Conservative Party, will have been in development since 2013, the date of Thatcher's death. 'Britain's Grandmother' as she is fondly remembered, will keep the nation's morale sky-high, literally, as she sings Ave Maria to us during the day, and barks her famous words "no, no, no" during the night on a continuous loop. 

Comedian Russell Brand will be sold at a Sotheby's auction in September. The auction will receive little press coverage, but The Daily Express will claim Brand was bought by the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia, Mohammed Bin Salman to use as a PR manager, helping to bolster the Kingdom's image as an approachable, friendly, non-hostile place which doesn't take itself too seriously. 

Donald Trump will fall down one of the holes whilst golfing at his Mar-a-Lago resort in Florida this month. It will turn out Trump's drink had been spiked beforehand, altering his perception of reality, forcing him to believe the large hole he fell into was actually a normal size golfing hole. People will suspect a number of different people as the culprit. Mike Pence, still angry that his dom is running in 2024, will be the main candidate. Steve Bannon, Hillary Clinton, Tom Hanks & Attorney General Barron Trump will be the others. 

A celebrity that hasn't yet become a celebrity at the start of 2021 will say something stupid this month. Their followers will defend them and the celebrity that hasn't yet become a celebrity at the start of 2021 will face no consequences. 

October

Prince Phillip, Duke of Edinburgh will drive a Land Rover into a job centre this month. The Duke will then be forced to fill out a tedious amount of paperwork and be asked futile and convoluted questions about his finances and his work experience, all the while being heavily judged by the staff. Phillip will end up being sanctioned for saying "this is bloody nonsense". He'll then collaborate with filmmaker and activist Ken Loach on a film identical to I, Daniel Blake, but with Phillip as the leading character. 'I, Phillip' will influence the Department for Work and Pensions' policies almost immediately, and everything will be OK.

A new species of giant invertebrate fish will be discovered deep in the Mariana Trench by marine biologists. The internet will be asked to name the new species. 'libtardia cucktrump' will be the most popular result. Sir David Attenborough will present a BBC series on the find, 'Attenborough: In Search of Cucktrump'.

UN Secretary-General Antonio Guterres will announce the end to World suffering this month. Guterres' resulting popularity will result in him being given many sponsorship deals with companies such as Nike, Unilever, Google, Apple, Facebook, Twitter, Yorkshire Farm Foods, Microsoft, Amazon & Exxon Mobil.

A Cambridge University academic whom people claimed to know before she made the controversial comments will say something stupid this month. Her claimed followers will defend her and the Cambridge University academic whom people claimed to know before she made the controversial comments will face no consequences. 

November

Prince Charles will make an unsuccessful attempt to climb the north face of the Eiger, a mountain in the Bernese Alps, to celebrate his 73rd birthday. The rescue mission will ultimately be unsuccessful due to lack of funds. 

Bush fires will rage through the Australian bush this month. This is not a funny one, this will probably genuinely happen. 

Mexican drug cartels will successfully infiltrate the US embassy in Mexico City, capturing over 100 employees and demanding $5,000,000,000 in ransom. Again, this is not funny. This is an entirely plausible event. 

A tornado will sweep through the Indonesian island of Bali, causing much devastation and loss of life. This is not a joke, this could very possibly happen. Let's hope to God it doesn't.

Joe Biden will announce November 17th as 'Dicks Out For Harambe Day'. Every US citizen with the necessary bodily appendage will legally have to flaunt it in public for 24 hours. The US president himself will address the nation with his flipper resting on the resolute desk in the Oval office. David Cameron will claim he's 'under the weather'.

Captain Pugwash will say something stupid this month. His followers will defend him and Pugwash will face no consequences.

December

Martin Scorsese will announce himself as John F. Kennedy's assassin in December. Scorsese will claim he carried out the assassination in order to create material for a film 20 years in the future. The film, which never came to fruition, will be announced with a planned release date of November 2023. 

World leaders will announce a ban on mentioning 2020, punishable by death. 

Bernie Sanders will attempt a military coup d'etat on December 20th. CNN won't cover the Coup, prompting accusations of bias by the progressive faction of the Democratic Party.

The esteemed news publication 'News, News, News, News' will go into administration on Boxing day. The paper, which has been operating since before records began, will be forced to apologize to it's two monthly readers, who will attempt to keep the ailing paper going via a substantial donation. The donations will be no less than £500,000 each, in cash, delivered to an undercover agent who'll be in contact with you covertly throughout the year. The aforementioned agent is not as forgiving as he may seem and carries a fully functional 15th century medieval mace. 

Festive ennui will say something stupid this month. It's followers will defend it and ennui will face no consequences. 

Undecimber

Oh yes, I forgot to mention, one of Donald Trump's last acts in office will be to announce a major change to the Gregorian calendar, the addition of a thirteenth month, Undecimber. It won't be legally recognized by any countries other than the US, but will soon catch on. UK prime minister Boris Johnson will go along with the gambit to consolidate the UK and US' 'special relationship'. Former PM Tony Blair will approve. 

Meet me back at the end of 2021 to see how many predictions I got right. Prepare to be humbled. And no I'm not planning on attacking the US embassy in Mexico City just to see that prediction come true, grow up. 

Wishing everyone reading this a new year. A very new year,

Muriel.

Joe Biden Considering Barron Trump For Attorney General

President-elect Joseph Robinette Biden Jr. is reportedly considering Donald Trump's youngest son Barron for the role of Attorney General in his administration. According to the anonymous sources, the move is meant to appease some of the more hardcore Trump supporters, many of whom refuse to believe Biden won the election, alleging widespread voter fraud. Biden is said to believe having a Trump in his administration will 'heal the wounds that divide this great country'.

Appointing Barron, who turns 15 in March, would be an unprecedented move for an incoming president. Never before has a president appointed a minor to a major cabinet role, let alone the child of the outgoing president. If appointed and confirmed by the senate, Barron would take on the role of chief lawyer to the federal government of the United States. According to Wikipedia, the original duties of the Attorney General were "to prosecute and conduct all suits in the Supreme Court in which the United States shall be concerned, and to give his advice and opinion upon questions of law when required by the president of the United States...". 

The Trump administration saw two Attorney Generals, Jeff Sessions of Alabama and William Barr of New York. Sessions' relationship with Trump bittered throughout 2018 as a result of investigations into Russian interference in the 2016 election, and Sessions' recusal from that investigation causing increasing aggro between the two septuagenarians. Barr's 2nd term as AG will mainly be remembered for 'The Barr letter', an extremely sparse redaction of the Mueller report into interference in the 2016 election, criticized by some as an over-simplified piece of partisan propaganda.  

If appointed, Barron Trump will likely have a lot on his plate. His father is reportedly considering appointing a special counsel to look into Joe Biden's son, Hunter Biden and allegations of tax fraud. Such a move would cause particular awkwardness for the incoming president and Attorney General. Biden's strategy in appointing Barron to this role is potentially to show impartiality and a bi-partisan approach to justice. Trump the younger would soon have to sink his teeth into a considerably rocky political balancing act, loyalty to the president and loyalty to his father's smear campaign.

President-Elect Joseph Robinette Biden Jr.

A source close to Barron Trump told News, News, News, News that he secretly relishes the thought of holding such massive power. "Barron has spent four years living in the shadow not only of his father, but also his two older half-brothers and half-sister (not Tiffany), he hides it well, but he's a a shrewd and tactful political operator who will strangle his enemies into submission without them even knowing. The guy's a beast, White House staff call him 'Trump Volpone' ('sly fox' in English) due to his wily, manipulative, charming nature."

Several progressive US political figures are outraged by the rumour, which is yet to be addressed by Biden's transition team. Kyle Kulinski, host of 'Secular Talk' said he felt 'physically ill' when he heard Biden was considering such an appointment. Tape Jacker, a news anchor for CNSBCSNSNSNSNBCNCNCN Morning Cuppa With Joel and Ferrari Crystals thinks the story is "a flat out lie! I know Biden, I went to his wedding, he would not appoint a kid to a cabinet role."

But right-wing radio commentator Alex Shaffer, Lord Protector of Breitbart News claims to have read an email sent by the Biden team explaining what they were looking for in an AG. "Basically the email says Biden wants to appoint a member of the Trump family, he thought Eric was too stupid, Don Jr. was too busy writing another book to follow the critically-acclaimed 'Triggered: How the Left Thrives on Hate and Wants to Silence us' and Ivanka was too attractive, which would distract Biden like it's distracted Trump. As for Tiffany, the email just contained around 50 'crying with laughter emojis', so Barron it is". 

Analysis: Keith Brown (from the theatre desk)

****

It certainly isn't everyday that you hear a president is considering appointing a child as their chief lawyer. But these are unprecedented times. This article is certainly nonsense, but is it good nonsense? Well, it's middling.

The writer opens solidly in the first few paragraphs, the characters are introduced: Joseph Robinette Biden Jr. a near 80 year old man who's just been elected president, succeeding an autocratic, hugely divisive figure known as Donald Trump. Trump's son Barron is the central character in the piece, a 14 year old blank canvas who is largely ignored by the other characters. The journalist in the piece claims he's read sources that indicate Barron might be chosen as the next Attorney General of the United States. Although an intriguing premise, this particular event seems so far-fetched, it was hard to be properly invested whilst watching it. 

But what the writer does do well is build sympathy for Barron and his political ambitions. There is a scene where several White House staff congregate and talk about Barron and his character. One of them calls him 'Trump Volpone' which is clearly meant to be a reference to Elizabethan dramatist Ben Jonson's 1605 play 'Volpone'. It's obvious the writer wishes the audience to admire the breadth of his reading, but it just comes across as arrogant, he probably hasn't read all that much, the pseudo-intellectual fuckwit.

Henry Goodman in the title role of 'Volpone', RSC Swan Theatre, 2015. This writer misses theatre and is fucking bored of politics.

All in all, the play is a success, but probably won't transfer to the West End anytime soon. Not even COVID itself would want to watch this. The lighting is a particular strong point, mesmeric and tranquil. A sapphire blue hue is projected onto a backdrop of Washington D.C in the early scenes. Later that blue turns to a fiery red as tensions simmer in the oval office. Jenny Bassett's costumes are regal and intricate, fit for the proudest statesman. One can imagine Pete Buttigieg wearing them sitting at a fake resolute desk listening to his own audio book with his hands down his pants in some funhouse mirrors. Barron wears a toga in some scenes whilst Donald Trump Jr. wears a white pointy conical hat. 

If you were expecting some drab, boring political analysis, I apologize. I'm a theatre critic first and foremost. Due to the News, News, News, News staff shortage, i've been forced to cover all sections of the publication, next week i'll be doing horoscopes, women's sex tips, 10 Origami tips to get creative this Christmas, FTSE 2020: a year in review & The Obituaries: COVID-19 Extravaganza!

Dear Eileen: How Do I Make This Christmas Special?

My name is (Fmr) sister Eileen Kirkup. I am 76 years old and I am a lapsed nun. I enjoy wax play and baking. 

This week's question comes from Daphne in Shropshire. Daphne asks, "Dear Eileen, how do I make this a special Christmas? I live alone and am unable to see any family. I don't ask for sympathy, but I'm having trouble thinking of ways to enjoy myself this Christmas. Any ideas?"

My Child,

This truly has been an annus horribilis. I am ever so sorry to hear about your situation. This is the time of year when we wish to be close to family and friends, the pandemic has driven a Stanley knife through traditions we hold sacred. 

That being said, I do believe one can find ways to spice up their Christmas day, even if one is alone. Let me introduce you to (Fmr) sister Eileen's extraordinary Christmas isolation bucket list! 

Music

My child, you must have music. You shall have music. Music is the soul's balm, it's a spiritual loofah, reaching the places of your deep unconscious other art forms, like woodwork, just cannot. Music illuminates us, transforms us, it allows us to stare our pain square in the face and enjoy ourselves while we do it. 

Music and Christmas are traditionally intertwined, joined at the hip, so to speak. One might enjoy some of the more modern 'Xmas' ballads, Mariah Carey's 'All I Want For Christmas is You', Chris Rea's 'Driving Home For Christmas' or 'Merry Muthafuckin' Xmas' by Eazy-E.

If one is a tad more traditional, one might like to listen to 'Silent Night', 'O Tannenbaum', 'O Holy Night' or 'In the Bleak Mid-Winter'. 

My personal favourite, the music I listen to every Christmas morning come rain or shine are a set of Gregorian chants, which form the central tradition of Western plainchant, a form of monophonic, unaccompanied sacred song usually performed in Latin. One might be surprised to hear that a lapsed Nun still holds this music dear, but, my child, one never stops loving music. I sit looking out over my back garden, tears in my eyes, nursing a glass of mulled wine as 'Agnus dei' plays on my surround sound speakers. It is quite simply a blissful, innocent Christmas tradition that I look forward to every festive season.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MgHclJGCOPY

Decoration

Speaking of the garden. One might not have such a space, but even if one doesn't, it's important one makes full use of the space around one, furnish it, decorate it, make it one's own. 

I consider myself very lucky to have a small garden and I take full advantage of it, especially around winter when a lot of people choose to ignore it. Usually around the 10th of December you'll see me lumbering around my village with a great big pile of plants including holly, mistletoe, yew, poinsettias, amaryllis, English ivy, and Christmas cacti (yes, Christmas cacti! What will they think of next?). It is one of my great yearly festive joys to spend a long afternoon tending to my garden. 

One must be careful with several of those aforementioned plants though, my child. They can be extremely poisonous to animals and humans alike. Yew contains chemicals called taxines that quickly cause an irregular heartbeat if eaten, it is known to be life-threatening. English Ivy can cause skin inflammation and dogs have been known to die from consuming mistletoe. But apart from those dangers, if one is vigilant and cautious, one will have a beautiful, Christmassy garden to wake up to!

Food

Just like music, food and Christmas are joined at the hip. One might enjoy making some mince pies, or a beautiful Christmas cake topped with marzipan. But there are some lesser known traditional Christmas foods that one might find very intriguing (and mouth-watering) indeed. Our German friends like to make 'stollen' a dried fruit cake made with walnuts, raisins, spices and rum. It's certainly a heavy dessert and make sure your stollen isn't stolen! I humour you, of course, my child, the neighbourhood watch are extra vigilant this time of year.

Our Italian friends make a kind of sweet bread called 'panettone'. Just like the stollen, panettone is stuffed with raisins, sultanas and various other fruits.The Greeks make a sweet pastry dish known as 'baklava', containing chopped nuts mixed with syrup sauce and sweet honey. 

If none of this takes your fancy remember a nice traditional Christmas dinner can still be made for one person. Pigs in blankets, a nice healthy dollop of sprouts (my favourite), parsnip mash, broccoli, carrots, roast potatoes and of course turkey. 

Boil the sprouts, my child, mash the parsnips, wrap the sausages with bacon, cook the broccoli, cook the carrots, roast the potatoes. Make sure God is watching you, my child. He's angry. He's very angry. Don't piss him off, my child, don't piss your God off! Praise him, he made all things. Boil the fucking broccoli, you heathen, you unbeliever! Boil the carrots, the sprouts, watch them die, watch them repent, "Save us" scream the cretinous little parsnips, all smug and faithless and wrapped in doubt, smug gits. Glory be to God, he's furious. He's angry, my child, you better believe it. The end is nigh, the rapture is upon us. Repent your sins and kill that turkey. Jesus Christ died for our sins and this turkey will die in infamy, praise be to Jesus, my child, praise be the Jesus and all who follow him. GOD IS ANGRY, HE'S GOING TO CREATE A FLOOD WHICH WILL END ALL OF HUMANITY, THIS IS THE LAST CHRISTMAS, MY CHILD, SAVE YOURSELF, REPENT. QANON, STOP THE STEAL, TAKE BACK CONTROL *&^%%^%%*())%$&())(&^KGFGHJC%.

Don't Sweat the Small Stuff

My child, i'd like to apologize for that outburst. I'm sometimes plagued with severe existential doubt. People think it's easy for those who have left religion behind and have developed a new outlook on life, but in truth, it's a sort of bereavement. I am bereaved of sense. Some days, nothing makes sense to me. In a year like this, these cavernous feelings of impending doom are ever so frightening. But one must never let oneself spiral. One must believe that one has an adamantine inner steel, even when one feels weak and breached of all comfort and knowing. 

The most important thing to remember this Christmas is you are not alone. God may not be watching you, but you can be sure as hell the neighbourhood watch are. I know a gentleman in my village, Carl, who takes this security very seriously. Even if the crime rates in my village are extraordinarily low, Carl patrols the streets every night with a head torch, a rake and a dog whistle (Carl has a crippling fear of mythical black dogs so carries a dog whistle wherever he goes. I've told the old boy that there's unlikely to be a giant blood-thirsty hound in Budgens, but he won't listen). Carl and I have struck up quite a close friendship, it's rather wonderful to find such a jolly good companion so late in life. Who knows what the future holds? 

My child, I wish you a very happy Christmas and marvelous new year. I'm off to apologize to my neighbour, their Jack Russell dog ingested some of my mistletoe which was hanging over their fence and unfortunately died. I feel awfully mortified. The children loved that dog. At least I'll be having a good night's sleep for the first time in 5 years! Silver linings, my child, silver linings!

Yours Truly,

Eileen.

This is Carl, the neighbourhood watch gentleman in my village. He's holding a Whale penis! What a naughty sense of humour he has!

House of Lords to Replace Red Leather Benches Amidst Constitutional Urine Crisis

The House of Lords have today announced they plan to replace their famous red leather benches owing to the strong odours of urine being reported in the chamber. 

The 'Urine Crisis of 2020' as it's being coined by some, began in August when the familiar aroma was commented on by Baroness Forsyth of Clandestyn. "One ought not to be subjected to such smells when one is in one's place of work. One detected a pungent and rather disagreeable smell emanating from the opposition benches."

Baroness Forsyth, who was appointed to the House of Lords in 1925, sits on the Conservative benches. Although her claims would suggest the urine smells emanated from the Labour benches, several sources have suggested otherwise. Lordswatch, a nonprofit organization which regularly surveys the House of Lords chamber for structural inadequacy or signs of archaic obsolescence, said they believe the unfortunate miasma to have originated on the Conservative benches.

"We believe quite firmly that Baroness Forsyth's assertions are categorically untrue", the organization told us by fax. "We performed several tests in the chamber, collecting samples from the seats, swabbed spittle from some geriatric Barons and asked Bishops to urinate in a test tube during morning prayers. As a result of this rigorous and time-consuming research, we can say with 100% accuracy that the urination happened on the Conservative benches. Who'd have thought octogenarian Tories could be responsible for such a pungent and suffocating smell?"

Workmen will need at least four weeks to work on maintenance to eradicate the parliamentary pong out of existence. While this maintenance work will be fairly easy and cheap to undertake, a problem has arisen. How does one temporarily accommodate 796 members? And how does one ask the members already situated in the chamber to leave?

Colm Caoihmin, CEO of Wiltshire Antique Relocation Ltd. (WAR) has been called upon by the Leader of the House of Lords to find a solution. "I have to admit, when I took this job at WAR, I didn't think I'd one day be tasked with shifting aging bureaucrats from luxurious chambers of carved wood, gold leaf with embossed leather seats". Caoihmin accepts that he'll receive some considerable opposition from more stubborn peers. "I have a blacklist of around two dozen members who might raise a stink, so to speak". This blacklist is said to include Liberal Democrat peer Lord Flopsweat of Sprite-Marigold de Clune, Labour's Baroness Gillette of Paris Saint-Germain and the Lord Bishop of Colchester Sponsored by Uber Eats.

The urine smell is said to have happened during this particular session. Any guesses which one it might be?

The House of Lords has historically been a controversial constitutional talking point. When Tony Blair crusaded to power in circa 1997 AD, one of the promises in Labour's manifesto was to remove the hereditary peers from the Lords entirely. After a long and bitter war between the reformers and the more conservative peers, during which many Labour members' pints of IPA were contaminated with spiteful aristocratic ejaculate, it was agreed 92 hereditary peers would be able, at any one time, to sit in the Lords. The House of Lords Act 1999 marked a drastic and hugely watered-down historical change for UK politics. 

Analysis: Alejandro Hitchens 

First of all may I just say it's about time I was invited to write for an esteemed publication like News, News, News, News? I've spent my career writing horoscopes for dentist waiting room magazines and creating fake Twitter accounts to influence elections and public opinion. Remember Brexit? You're welcome lmao. It feels good to finally step out of the shadow cast by my two older brothers.Well, the dead one at least.

Right, so this urine debacle. Honestly, I turn away for one second and the next thing I know bodily fluids are testing the strength of our democracy. Talk about a 'golden age'. For fuck's sake. I remember back in my college days, Thatcher was banning milk in schools, The Aristocats was in cinemas, you were able to wear a balaclava and throw bricks at the local Pakistani-owned corner shop and not be called a racist by the PC liberal media. The good ol' days. 

Back in the good ol' days the House of Lords was a great and mighty institution filled to the brim by proper upper class, upper crust gentlemen who actually gave a toss about ol' blighty and her beautiful complexion. The Daily Mail recently did a study, funded by an anonymous donor known as 'A Banks', which showed the House of Lords will be entirely populated by people born after 1960 by 2050. Am I the only one who won't let this stand? Why won't athletes kneel for this cause?

So why has the Lords reached rock bottom? Well, to answer this question we'll need to examine power. Those who have it, those who wield it, those who want it, those who crave it, those who forsake it, those who want it back and those who can't make up their minds. 

Jordan Peterson, my spiritual Daddy, the modern day Aristotle and the sexiest, most telegenic piece of meat academia has ever seen, said "Power is competence". I wholeheartedly agree with Daddy Peterson and I don't care if his critics say he only appeals to white, adolescent, empathically-challenged, far-right, gullible teenage men obsessed with the grievance studies affair (did you know that Peter Boghossian, one of the philosophers involved in the affair wrote a foreword for Stefan Molyneux's book? Stefan Molyneux, the white supremacist, the eugenecist?) because he appeals to me too, and i'm in my 60s. As far as i'm concerned his word is gospel. I'm currently working on a marble statue of him standing 7ft tall in a heroic pose, naked as the day Mama Peterson birthed him, with chiseled, glistening abs, hung like a Playboy-Mansion-Minotaur-gigolo with golden locks of lustrous, silky hair meandering down to his firm buttocks. 

But I digress. 

Power is indeed competence. But what is competence? One might say competence is being able to sit through a 15-minute speech in the House of Lords without pissing oneself. I would. Even if the pissing culprit has 50 years of experience in British political life, isn't it right that they forswear all 'pomp and majesty' when the gremlins of incontinence whisper in their ear? Isn't it right that they 'deny their sacred state' when crucial legislation isn't being debated due to the chamber smelling like the urinals at a Championship football club's stadium? I bloody well think so.

Power is meant to be ethereal, fleeting and temporary. It's meant to be handled responsibly and passed on to the next geezer when the time is right. It's not to be coveted and gripped tightly with both talons. 

The US has just elected a 78 year old president, who'll succeed a 74 year old. Granted, the 78 year old isn't obese and he doesn't believe physical exercise wastes the finite energy of the human body (that's not a joke, Trump actually believes that, go check it out, this is the guy you love, Karen). 

Joe Biden has run for president three times, in 1988, 2008 and 2020. He was elected to the US Senate at 29 years old and has been a major figure on the US political stage for over half a century, mainly being on the wrong side of history for most of that time. Judging by these facts, it should be abundantly clear that Biden's always aspired to the top job. 

Now, let me talk about castration, political opportunism, Machiavellianism and opera. 

Castrati (plural) were male opera singers who could achieve notes similar to those of sopranos or contraltos. How did they achieve this, you ask? Ho ho ho! Are you sitting comfortably? Well, then i'll begin. 

Castration before puberty.

(No, again, this is real, this actually happened. This is the music you love, Karen).

One of the most famous Castrato singers was Farinelli, who became a court favourite of Spanish King Philip V. Philip's wife, Elisabetta Farnese believed Farinelli's voice could cure her husband's deep depression. It's an incredibly poignant story and the subject of Claire Van Kampen's 2015 play 'Farinelli and the King'. 

Farinelli, (real name: Carlo Maria Michelangelo Nicola Broschi) the most famous castrati singer of his time (1705-1782)

The only Castrato whose voice is on record is Alessandro Moreschi, who made the recordings in 1902 and 1904. The practice largely fizzed out after the 18th century. It was made illegal in Italy in 1861, and after that, only a few Castrati could be found in the darkened corners of the Sistine Chapel, lamenting their outcast state. 

In Martin St. John Travers' 2006 book 'The Castratocracy: A Dystopian Britain Imagined', he envisages a political system whereby politicians can only achieve certain ministerial jobs if they've undergone castration. The book is part narrative, charting the political rise of the fictional Bernard Jones, MP for New Sarum, who is forced to choose between ambition and his genitals. 

St. John Travers also devotes a large portion of his book to theorizing the constitutional ramifications of such a system. Would the term 'Machiavellian' be common parlance? Would journalists accuse ambitious politicians of 'climbing the greasy pole'? Would Michael Gove even exist? Who would occupy these positions of power? What seems at first like a silly, futile, nonsensical dystopian fiction could actually reveal a lot about power, human nature and who we elect to make key political decisions. 

Michael Gove, Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster and Minister for the Cabinet Office, has often been included in 'Weird Crush' lists in women's fox-hunting magazines found in the Cotswolds area.

In the opening chapter he asks us to take a look at today's government, mainly the four 'great offices of state', prime minister, chancellor of the exchequer, foreign secretary & home secretary, and determine whether the current occupants would still hold those jobs if the law required they underwent voluntary castration. In the home secretary's case it wouldn't work as 1) she's a woman, and 2) she'd be the one doing the castrating, as Philip Rutnam would attest.

If one thinks about St. John Travers' hypothesis, one would very much doubt that any one of Boris Johnson, Rishi Sunak and Demonic Wrath would happily forswear their nutsacks for the trappings of office. This was certainly my initial thought. But then I realized it's the other way round. We currently have a government (woman aside) full of politicians who would gladly be castrated if it meant ascending the ranks and gaining power. In case you're wondering, St. John Travers does briefly go into how this affects Machiavellian female politicians, but not very satisfactorily. In my review of the book in 'The Times Literary Supplement' I criticize the glaring omission of gender balance in the book.

The book has been compared by critics to George Orwell's '1984', Aldous Huxley's 'Brave New World' and Donald Trump Jr's 'Triggered: How the Left Thrives on Hate and Wants to Silence Us' and I can see why. St. John Travers has asked some very timely and relevant questions: how do we, the public, really view our politicians? Do we think they deserve the offices they hold? Would we idolize them if we knew they'd made such a life-changing bodily sacrifice? How differently would they make decisions in the national interest if they'd forfeited their bollocks? Would Boris Johnson be our prime minister? Or would he just be a lowly Sun journalist, living off his family's wealth and donating his sperm every week with the hope of building a dynasty of Etonian crooks, then realizing what he thought was a sperm clinic he'd been sending his samples to was actually a local launderette? 

Of course, there are several conspiracy theorists who believe world leaders have actually undergone voluntary castration to attain their power. The 'Illumicastrati Theory' spread online in the autumn of 2014 when a photograph circulated of the PM at the time, David Cameron, appearing to add some sort of balm to his genital area. Several anonymous users in various Internet forums pointed out that the area where his penis and scrotum should be was surprisingly smooth. George Osborne, the Chancellor at the time, lent credence to this theory when a leaked audio tape was released of him saying, albeit in a muffled tone, "He doesn't have any balls, for goodness' sake. If he did, he'd tell the ERG to stick it where the sun don't shine, but no, David chooses to acquiesce to the far right of his party. he's ball-less I tell you!"

While this is certainly interesting evidence of a wider Illumicastrato world order, I wouldn't spend too much time following any of these leads. St. John Travers' book has caught the British public's imagination. All other political literature centering on power and decision-making is now embarrassingly obsolete. The book devotes an entire chapter to the House of Lords and how it would function in a castratocracy. 

Needless to say, we would have no constitutional urine crisis if all the Lords were castrated.

Dear Eileen: Why do I Smell Gas?

My name is (Fmr) Sister Eileen Kirkup. I am 76 years old and I am a lapsed nun. I enjoy frottage and baking.

This week's question comes from Phillipa in Herefordshire. Phillipa asks, "Dear Eileen, why do I smell gas?"

My child,

In the course of our lives, certain situations warrant panic and concern. This is one of them. 

Yours Truly,

Sister Eileen

If you'd like to send in a question for Sister Eileen, send us an email at letters@dailymail.co.uk

The Long Read: Clacton's Minotaur War Is Destroying Families

This time last year, Tracy Durbin was leading a hectic life. She'd just given birth to her third child, Ida, and was raising her two eldest children, Max and Fishman, on her own. Max had just entered his third year of primary school, whilst Fishman was apprehensive about his new life at secondary school.

"It was a bit of a panic, to be honest with you!" Said Durbin, 35, "I was overjoyed to welcome Ida to our little family, but things were a struggle, it always is being a single parent. There is help, but at the end of the day, you are facing this alone, and the support can only go so far." 

The father of Tracy's two eldest children, who will remain unnamed, left when Fishman was in his infancy, leaving Tracy pregnant, with a toddler to care for, in a house barely fit for living. 

The circumstances surrounding the father will be revisited later, but in late 2019, Tracy was living in poverty, unable to feed her three young children, and unaware of the horrors the next year would bring. 

"There were times when I felt like i'd hit rock bottom. It came in waves, it was like every day became darker and darker, then something would come along, a letter from the government, or from school, a thousand new problems, a thousand new crises, and it just swept everything else that came before away, it got worst and worst. I didn't know what to do."

Tracy received support from several neighbours on Slade Street, where she lived in a dilapidated, and barely hospitable two bedroom house with her three children, and a cat named Trapp. "My neighbours were lifesavers, if i'm being honest. I don't know what i'd have done without them." 

One of Tracy's neighbours, Lindsey Sanford, a 65 year old widow and former headmistress, said Tracy's situation was fairly common in the suburb of Clacton where they lived. "It's awful", she explained, "the deprivation around here breaks my heart. It gives me a better perspective on my years as a headteacher as well. Some of the children I had to discipline were nightmares, I don't think that's too strong a word! I had no idea what to do with them, they'd just keep misbehaving. But now I know why, they had such unstable and volatile home lives, it must have been sheer hell for them all the time. It kind of makes me regret making them swallow those tubs of glitter as punishment".

Lindsey, who lives alone in a bungalow and has three English mastiffs, Knuckle, Wayne and Mustardseed, recently organized a support group for mothers in the area. One of our undercover journalists, Keith Brown (from the Theatre desk) attended a meeting last year and described the atmosphere as 'electric', 'sublime' and a 'must see'. The group met on a Friday and spent at least 3 hours exchanging words and droplets of empathy and deeper understanding.

"What Lindsey's done is astonishing. She's clearly very influential in her cul-de-sac, I got the feeling these mothers would kill for Lindsey, and one can give no higher praise than that." Brown explained the impact of the meeting was like being "Spoon-fed orgasms of tender-loving-care until everything was alright." 

Tracy and so many young mothers' lives were on the up. Christmas and New year were times to celebrate, times to rejoice at new beginnings, a new way of life for their families. "2020 always sounded sci-fi to me, I don't know why", Tracy told us (via Zoom). "When I was young I always imagined we'd have flying cars by now, or robots serving us meals or serving our country abroad. I always imagined the 2 minute silence on Remembrance Sunday would mostly be for fallen robots and no longer humans. Most people wouldn't get sad at robots dying, but I would. I guess i'm a dork like that! I think they have feelings too."

Tracy had plans for 2020, "I wanted to go abroad, I wanted to take my kids somewhere exotic, like America". Little did Tracy know that the whole world was about to change. 

"Coronavirus, coronavirus, coronavirus, it's all we heard about. Suddenly life grinded to a halt. All these plans we had dissolved, all this hope suddenly vanished." 

The nationwide lockdown on the 26th March began smoothly for Tracy and the residents of Clacton-On-Sea. The streets were described by one local verbose eccentric as "really quiet, it was unusual". 

Then came the boredom, the pent up anger, the mass hysteria. "People were breaking lockdown rules. We noticed Clacton was a particular hot spot for ne'er-do-wells." Queen Spankz, the local Sheriff's mother explained. A solution was needed, fast. "We got this massive blackboard and started brain-storming ideas, you see?" Spankz, a former femme fatale and dominatrix, lead the taskforce into finding a humane and practical solution to solve the unrest in the town. "I was the first to mention Minotaurs". The mere mention of this word stunned the board room of assembled law-enforcement officials, local councillors, nurses and minor celebrities who made up the publicly-funded taskforce.

"It just came to me", explained Spankz, "I'd read about a similar solution in Chile, the authorities released a dozen Minotaurs from a white van then watched as the town submitted and stayed indoors". 

Spankz faced a considerable amount of opposition from certain members of the taskforce. Some suggested more tried and tested means of getting people to obey the stay-at-home orders. "They wanted to create local TV and radio ads warning people to stay home. They wanted to increase the police presence on the streets. They wanted to issue fines if people broke the rules. All of these things were considered, but I knew none of them would work".

Spankz thought back to her line of work and the plethora of different methods she used to force her clients into submission. "Of course, Clacton County Council wouldn't be able to attach dog collars to all their residents!" joked Spankz, "but I began to think about submission in an abstract sense."

"Once I realized that the equipment in my attic I managed to keep hold of from my job was of no use in this situation, I started to think about other solutions. I read Sun Tzu's 'The Art of War', Ian Kershaw's biography of Hitler and Donald Trump Jr.'s 'Triggered: How the Left Thrives On Hate and Wants to Silence Us' to try and understand the science of war and how the tactics of oppression work."

Spankz discovered there was an art to oppression. "It was really transformative for me, personally. I had the know-how, but I didn't have the tools". Trump Jr.'s book had a particular influence on Spankz. "The Shakespeare of the alt-right, the Oscar Wilde of reactionary internet trolling. I bathed in his honeyed words. I'd sit in the bath, champagne in one hand, Trump Jr. in the other, True Grace Rosemary and Eucalyptus-scented candles adorned the rim of the bath whilst Vivaldi's Four Seasons played on the stereo. His playful intellect and his 'come-hither' New Yorker machismo carried me through waves of wet, juddering ecstasy." 

She then read about the Chilean Minotaur technique and, after some hesitation, decided to request funding for 12 adult male Minotaurs to be manufactured then shipped to the UK and dispatched to Clacton town centre. 

The question was then: How does one 'manufacture' a dozen Minotaurs? 

Spankz contacted a group of scientists who worked in cryonics, the practice of storing and freezing a human corpse with the hope of someday bringing it back to life when the science catches up. According to Wikipedia, the practice is regarded as a pseudoscience, but Spankz nevertheless trusted the expertise of the cryobiologists at L. Ron Hubbard University, Nebraska. One scientist in particular, Jebediah Patriot III Jr. opined that a fully formed adult Minotaur could potentially be rustled up in less than a month if the funding was there. 

Patriot III Jr., who spoke in a Kentucky drawl, explained that creating such a monster wouldn't be as difficult as some mainstream brainiacs might believe. "Basically all ya (sic) have to do is inject a load a' (sic) juicey loosey (sic) to these here (sic) remayuns (sic), theyan (sic) ya (sic) watch the hair grow waald (sic) ya (sic) watch the horns grow long, ya (sic) watch the leyags (sic) and the arums (sic) grow long, ya (sic) watch his bloodshot eaaas (sic) and ya (sic) know that he gone get angry (sic) he gone get berserk (sic) like a horse with his nutsack tieeed (sic) with barbed wire".

Spankz was told the only way to bring a dozen Minotaurs to life would be to find a dozen well-preserved Human cadavers. The Chilean technique was developed by scientists in the country who had access to morgues, yet Clacton County Council didn't have the necessary clearance required to raid the local NHS hospital and purchase some cadavers. 

"We needed access to the morgues and we needed access to the blood banks, we contacted Gareth Southgate because we knew he'd received access to the nation's blood banks as a reward for reaching the semi-finals of the 2018 World Cup, but he didn't reply". 

Spankz posted an ad on Craigslist and received a handful of replies, but mostly obscene images of genitalia. "One reply stood out" Spankz observed, "It was something about the shape of it, it wasn't too long and it wasn't too girthy, it was sort of chiseled, but in a healthy way, it didn't look surgically enhanced". Spankz also received a helpful reply concerning the cadavers. "This one guy told me he knew a dead guy, and that he (the alive guy) could lead me to him (the dead guy) and that his name was Guy (the dead guy)." 

Spankz met up with the Craigslist user, who preferred to remain anonymous due to his celebrity status as someone who finished second on the fifth series of The Voice. "He led me to this cryonic freezer he and some friends had bought with his TV money. It was really disturbing for me at first to see this body, lying there motionless and dead as the night". The body would later be identified as Tracy Durbin's ex-husband who had abandoned her when Fishman was but a child. Durbin recalls her horror at learning this news. "I was really taken aback, but somehow I wasn't surprised, he always hung around with the wrong 'uns."

Lindsey Sanford, who knew Tracy's husband well, collapsed when she heard he'd become a frozen cadaver then a Minotaur. "It's beyond belief, he was like family to me. He and my late husband used to shoot grouse together". 

Tracy's husband became the first corpse to be seized by the local council. Others followed. An unidentified man found in the local canal, a young woman found in someone's attic, an elderly local poet buried in a shallow grave and a couple of young teenagers who'd washed up onto shore, among others. 

"In the space of a few days, good news just kept rolling in, the bodies just kept rolling in. I know it may sound insensitive, but we had an abundance of cadavers, we were swimming in the things, it was like God had heard our prayers and answered them." The scientists then got to work with the hormone injections. The science involved in this procedure is highly sensitive and highly classified, and News, News, News, News does not have the authorization nor a proficient amount of basic scientific understanding to communicate the procedure with accuracy. 

What followed was nothing short of a miracle. Twelve fully-formed, adult male Minotaurs, brimming with life and filled with hormonal rage sprang into being. For Queen Spankz it was a revelation. "I was gobsmacked, these scientists had worked day and night transforming these frozen human cadavers into mythological beasts, I didn't know such stuff was possible."

Prospero had said "We are such stuff as dreams are made on, and our little life is rounded with a sleep". But the scientists working with Clacton County Council had proven that this little rounded life was more of an up-turned semi circle, and sleep would eventually end if your corpse was frozen at freezing cold temperatures, thus debunking Shakespeare's ignorance. 

Next came the small matter of rolling the Minotaurs out into the public sphere. The logistics of such a task were very troubling for Spankz and the taskforce. "Some of us wanted to go all in and just release them, this is what's referred to as the Chilean model. It had mixed results when used in Chile, but it still had it's supporters in the taskforce."

"The other option was called the America + option, where we'd just roll out the Minotaurs at a snail's pace, so that their presence would be barely noticeable, until the residents slowly get used to the oppression and the breaking down of societal norms, only realizing they're being held in bondage when it's already too late."

Some on the taskforce favoured making a deal with the people of Clacton in regards to the usage of Minotaurs, but this was swiftly shot down as 'watered down' and 'unpatriotic'. "We were in control, not the people" explained Spankz, "why would we want to strike a deal with these people? The whole purpose of releasing the Minotaurs was to get results. We wanted people to stay at home, you don't negotiate oppression". 

After hours of relentless debate, the taskforce decided on the America + option. They released their first Minotaur, nicknamed 'Maggie' in the early hours of the 3rd of May. "It went fantastically" said Jennifer Lu, a member of the taskforce, "we were worried that 'Maggie' would cause an immediate public revolt, but the reaction was quite subdued". 

Members of the public were initially curious about the new arrival in the town. Tracy described the mood in Clacton as 'cautious, but interested', "we didn't initially have any reason to be frightened. At first the Minotaur just lazed about and grunted like a baked beach hobo". But there were signs of what was to come. Lindsey Sanford noticed her allotments had been intruded upon. "The fuchsias were lopsided and I'd planted some sunflower seeds which failed to grow." This caused a tremor of panic to run through Lindsey and Tracy's street.

"We gathered the community together to ascertain what the hell was going on, and we all agreed it had something to do with that blasted Greek beast!". One resident from their street recalls being woken up in the early hours of the morning by a sound of running water. "I thought i'd left the tap on, but then I realized there's no running water in my house, my husband and I choose to live like Medieval Carthusian monks, and all of the trappings such a lifestyle entails. I looked out the window and saw this massive demon with horns urinating over our front lawn, now we don't know what to believe".

Word spread that this Minotaur was disrupting public order. The residents chose to bide their time and not contact News, News, News, News until they could be absolutely sure it was the Minotaur behaving badly and not some local ne'er-do-well like Cyrus the Toe Dojo, who claims to have perfected a martial art that focuses solely on wielding the power of the little toe. "It weirdly brought the community together. We genuinely thought it was just affecting our street, but then everything just accelerated".

New reports came in from other suburbs within Clacton, people started posting their stories on Twitter and the Snapchats. Stories of people walking home at night and being rugby tackled by a seven foot beast, of pensioners going to get a morning paper and being flashed then hearing a deep, guttural laugh, likened to Jabba the Hut's laugh upon discovering Princes Leia and Han Solo in 'Return of the Jedi'. 

"We began to realize that this wasn't limited to our street" explained Durbin. "It was then that we decided to speak out". Durbin and several other residents created their own taskforce named 'Clactonites Against the Beast' (CAB), "The purpose of the taskforce was to try to string together all of these sightings and assaults, then alert the authorities". 

But shortly after CAB launched their savvy website and their public appeal on TV, something bizarre started to happen. Their website had clearly been hacked, and their public appeal on local radio was somehow edited to make Tracy and her fellow residents sound like they were socialists. "If there's one thing us Clactonites hate more than marauding mythical beasts molesting our elderly pensioners, it's lefties." CAB initially thought the Minotaur infestation was a Communist plot, "We thought they were seizing the opportunity to perform a coup amidst the pandemic, it would be the perfect time to do so" Sanford thought. 

But the attempt by the hackers to try and make CAB out to be a Communist plot made them doubt this particular conspiracy. They enlisted the help of an expert hacker, former actor and alt-right troll codenamed 'Larry the Fox'. What Fox found was a massive, wide-spreading conspiracy that made it's way up to Clacton County Council itself. "I went deep. You would not believe the things I found" boasted Fox, "I even found out the secrets behind 9/11, but you'd need to pay me if you wanted that information." News, News, News, News did indeed pay for Fox's information, but will not share it, because knowledge is power and power is wonderful. 

Fox and the CAB then debated how they'd launch a counter-attack against the Council. So far, they were able to find evidence of at least 8 Minotaurs causing Havoc around the town, it was only when all out war had begun that they discovered they were up against 12, fully grown, violent, sexually virulent Minotaurs. 

War escalated quickly. It made national and international news. Rolling coverage was broadcast on the BBC. Anderson Cooper of CNN even mentioned it in passing. "We knew this was a big deal when the American networks started to mention it" Durbin recalled. Footage of Molotov cocktails being flung at buildings owned by the local council quickly made the rounds on YouTube. As did CCTV footage of Minotaurs doing that thing that big kids usually do with playground swings, looping them around till they're impossible to reach for the smaller folk. 

On June 15th a CAB member, who shall remain anonymous due to his celebrity status as the longest-serving member of the Emmerdale cast, crafted a bespoke, dirty, dirty bomb and lobbed it into the local library. "I deliberately aimed at the modern literature section, specifically yer' (sic) James Pattersons, yer' (sic) Dan Browns, and all yer' (sic) celebrity auto-biographies, Lee Mack's 'Mack the Life', Gemma Collins' 'The GC: How to be a Diva', no one would notice these are gone, and I think most people would say I've done a public service." We reached out to Mack and Collins' agents, but only received breathy, muffled voicemails in which individuals with Northern and Essex accents threatened us mildly. 

CAB had limited funds. They launched a GoFundMe page to crowdfund the war effort, reached out to celebrities asking for donations and fished around in local fountains for spare change. A few celebrities, mainly Hollywood A-listers who had read about Clacton's Plight, responded with generous donations. George Clooney, known for his appearance in the 1985 ABC series 'Street Hawk', donated several functional flamethrowers alongside a dozen large wooden barrels of water. Vanessa Redgrave donated a large turquoise dildo containing anthrax spores. 

The war was at full throttle. Despite the donations, the council still had better funding. Spankz, alongside a tightly-knit group of advisors, consulted several US army veterans trained in remote- viewing, the practice of seeking impressions about a distant or unseen target using paranormal means. One of the soldiers, Lt. Hank Schwartzman, described the magnitude of the task as 'harrowing'. "Even if the CCC had more money than the CAB, the tactics employed by the CAB were just as lethal, just as sophisticated. But I was brought here to utilize the psychic skills I learnt in the army."

Despite Schwartzman's claimed expertise, it transpired that he'd only read the Wikipedia article on remote-viewing and had lied about his ability to make ITV talk show host's heads explode by just staring at them on the TV. "It was £1,000,000 we'll never get back". Spankz was resolved to find new ways to psychologically manipulate the enemy. "I have a ruthless streak", she bragged, "I also used to own a burlesque club on Main Street called 'The Ruthless Streak''. She got to work as war waged on, houses were being razed to the ground, crops were dying. 

Little did Spankz know that Tracey Durbin and the CAB were planning their own psychological offensive. Durbin recalls an idea coming to her whilst clobbering a local Tory councillor with Vanessa Redgrave's anthrax dildo. "When I was but a young girl, I harbored ambitions to become a mime artist. The dream slipped away, as dreams do, but I still thought about mimicry and physicality in a very abstract sense." We asked Durbin to describe this 'abstract sense', but she said nothing. She sat there, perfectly still, closed her eyes and stood up. She then proceeded to let out a deep, guttural roar and pounded her chest. She was like a woman possessed, something had overtaken her and it was deeply disturbing for us as journalists to witness this.

After a sleepless night spent lying in piss-soaked sheets, we checked our emails and saw that Durbin had contacted us. It turns out her freakishly monstrous display in the living room the previous day was her demonstration of the CAB's plan. "You asked me to explain our plan and I showed you, i'm sorry about your sheets". Their plan was to craft Minotaur costumes out of dead horses then work to physically embody and mimic their behaviors  "We studied Jacques Lecoq in particular" Durbin explained. "We used my basement to train CAB foot soldiers to discover their Minotaur. It was an incredibly creative and collaborative atmosphere. We even brought in Philippe Gaulier to give classes, Philippe would end up leading the Minotaurs into battle." 

The technique devised by Durbin and the CAB was designed to confuse and disorientate the real Minotaurs. "We had some of our fake Minotaurs learn seductive poses, meant to trigger the male Minotaurs into a frenzy of sexual panic. Not many people know this, but despite their apparent brimming sexual confidence, most male Minotaurs are impotent."

The rouse worked. The CCC and their twelve Minotaurs were utterly bamboozled and woefully unprepared for such warfare. Four of the twelve capitulated and drowned themselves in the local canal and Maggie, the proto-Minotaur and the first to be released, froze herself to death by enclosing herself in a frozen food chest in a local Best Buy. 

The CAB, at the time of writing, have an upper hand in Clacton's year-long Minotaur war. But despite victory being on the horizon, the impact the continuing conflict is having on families in the area is overwhelming. "Ida's barely one years old", Durbin told us, "How can I raise three young children whilst also waging war on the tyrannical local council?" Lindsey Sanford, who lost her eyesight in the 'Battle of Abbotts Close', despaired at the disintegration of the once mighty town. "We once had the great Douglas Carswell as our MP! He boldly quit the Tories and joined UKIP, he was going places. Clacton-On-Sea was going places!" 

Carswell's successor, former actor Giles Watling, has not yet commented on the vicious civil war taking place in his constituency. "We've heard sod all from Watling! He's meant to be our spokesperson in Parliament! I doubt he's even told the Government what's happening here. It's probably insignificant to him in his Ivory fortress, but for us, this war is destroying our families!" Sanford broke down and wept, our NNNN journalists didn't console her, as this is company policy. The next day we received an angrily worded e-mail from Sanford complaining about our emotional coldness. "I was clearly in a lot of distress but your journalists just stood there with their notepads and their furrowed brows." 

NNNN would like to make it known that we sent Ms. Sanford a fruit bouquet and some Cadbury's Milk Tray. 

It's clear that this Minotaur war, caused by rule-breaking amidst a once in a lifetime global pandemic, is taking a heavy toll on the residents of Clacton-On-Sea. But it's clear they don't plan to give up. The people we met have a strong, impenetrable inner mettle that will carry them through any crisis, whether it's a Coronavirus, a family tragedy or a dozen scientifically-engineered Minotaurs creating havoc in their streets and teabagging the neighbourhood curtain-twitcher until he spiritually combusts. 

Through talking to these people, learning about their little lives, we here at NNNN have truly seen the brighter side of humanity. A side which puts collective unity and determination above selfish individualism and apathy. This little community on the Essex coast has grouped together and created something nothing short of miraculous. 

Durbin, who remains positive about the end being in sight, has started to organize camp-fire sing-alongs for distressed residents. "We even brought in Joan Baez via Zoom to sing 'We Shall Overcome', there wasn't a dry eye in the house, I think we sort of needed that collective outpouring. It was truly cathartic. Max, Fishman and little Ida enjoyed singing 'He's got the whole world in his hands' and Nick Drake's 'Day is Done'. It's amazing that out of the rotten ashes of war a beautiful, fiery folk revival has risen from the ground. I even learnt who Jackson C. Frank was. He's sort of become a symbol of our movement!"

Queen Spankz and the taskforce at the Council also remain positive that the war will turn in their favour. "I don't care how many hippy love-ins these plebs have on the hillsides of our once beautiful town, we will not give in and withdraw our remaining Minotaurs. We're too far into this shit. I'm tired of celebrities endorsing their movement on Instagram and the Twitches. Go Fuck yourselves and stick your feelings where the sun don't shine, in fact, fuck your feelings." A few days later Spankz sent us a barrage of videos by American far-right political pundit Ben Shapiro, and a dozen of expletive-laden texts which NNNN have sent to the police. It's clear that Spankz and the Clacton County Council know that they're on their last legs. They're desperate. The good, honest residents of Clacton-On-Sea are winning their town back. 

This article contains product placement. The turquoise anthrax dildos which Vanessa Redgrave donated to the CAB are available in the Argos winter catalogue. Donald Trump Jr.'s book 'Triggered: How the Left Thrive on Hate and Want to Silence Us' is probably available somewhere. Cyrus the Toe Dojo would also like to advertise his weekly Toe-Jiu-Jitsu classes temporarily held on Clacton Marshes. Lindsey Sanford has also made some delicious home-made jams which she will sell outside her home on Slade Street.