29th January 1942: Vic Oliver, actor and comedian, becomes the first 'castaway' on a new BBC radio show called 'Desert Island Discs'. Roy Plumley, the first of many presenters whose voices have become instantly recognisable to John Bull and his middle-class equivalent Jonathan Cattle, asks Mr. Oliver to choose eight pieces of music, a book and a luxury item he would want with him were he to be cast away on a hypothetical desert island.
I think it's safe to say the concept caught on. The show has been an ever present on BBC radio for over eight decades, inviting the cream of the crop of British public figures, having broadcast over 3,000 episodes. The show's longevity is a testament to it's subtle yet endlessly intriguing pulling power, and the sheer inventiveness and ingenuity of it's premise.
"One can get bored of straight-down-the-line celebrity interviews" opines Wallace Worsley, deadbeat uncle of BBC regular Lucy, "but if one adds a spicy and offbeat premise such as being marooned on a fictional desert island, and needing to pick which pieces of music, which book and which luxury item one would want to take, it adds a certain thrill to an otherwise banal interview. One sits in suspense, pregnant with anticipation, wondering which book notorious book-worm Gyles Brandreth will choose to take. There's a certain degree of unbridled sexual relish which comes with knowing what music celebrities enjoy and guessing what their strategy will be! They are just like us after all! I would know, my niece is a celebrity, but she doesn't speak to me anymore. Lucy, this is your uncle, i'm sorry it has to be this way, I know how this looks, speaking to News, News, News, News in the desperate hope of reaching out to you, but I miss you dearly, I miss you boundlessly, you're breaking my heart and I'm running out of time. I need financial support, no, please don't stop reading! I need it, not only for myself, but for my partner, Elaine. She's a recovering alcoholic, Lucy, and she needs a liver transplant, I know that this may not seem sympathetic, but she's a good person, an honest person, she wouldn't ask this of anyone, so I feel it's my duty to speak up for her. She's in a terrible state and your support would really help us. Please do not ignore me, I know NNNN will probably edit this out of their finished article, but on the off chance they don't, help me. Help me, oh, dear lord above, help me!"
The show has had five presenters over the years and is currently presented by Lauren Laverne. The BBC have always regarded it as a steady and stable hit over the years, the prestige around the show has made it untouchable. Until now.
Actor Sir Mark Rylance was due to appear on the show on the 5th July, he was sent a limousine by the BBC to his home in Lambeth. "I was looking forward to it!" Rylance told us, "I grew up listening to DID, a lot of us did, it's sort of the holy grail of interviews. I don't give many interviews but DID is different, I think there's a lot of joy in it, a lot of excitement. I've been deliberating for weeks over what pieces of music I should pick. It's a serious thing. But it's also a great amount of fun"
Rylance then received a call from the BBC explaining that due to unforeseen circumstances, the show will not go ahead. "I was a little taken aback, but I understood, I didn't really question it because I thought there must have been a straightforward reason. When I found out the real reason whilst watching BBC News at Six, I just bellowed out the words 'Christ's marauding cock! What in God's great taint is happening here?' I don't usually swear like that, but the news was so bizarre, it just spilled out of me."
The BBC announced that the eponymous island in Desert Island Discs had become inhospitable to humans and the show had to immediately be cancelled. The news was greeted with what one Daily Telegraph columnist called 'a subdued middle-class hysteria which manifests itself in frenzied letter writing".
"If i'm being totally honest with you, I thought it was a hypothetical island." thought Rylance. According to polls, 97% of the British public thought the same, the other 3% were flat-Earthers, Jehovah's Witnesses, paranoid schizophrenics and GB News viewers. It turns out, the Island is real. Geographers have labored hard to pinpoint exactly where the island is, but to no avail. "You'd think in this age of satellites and submarines that you'd be able to find any island if you have enough resources and man-power, but we've just not been able to locate the Island in Desert Island Discs", explained Larkin Mann, a pseudo-geographer who searches for fictional islands. "Over the years, i've shook hands with Robinson Crusoe, been given a tour of Atlantis on the back of a dolphin, been an extra on Lost and been molested by a hoard of sex-starved Mermen. Locating this particular island is my only failure, but we all fail, even Lucy Worsley's uncle."
The new BBC Director-General Tim Davie made a statement saying that global warming was the culprit behind the evacuation of the island. Davie explained that the BBC had managed to locate almost all of the celebrities the company had marooned on the island, but that a few were still missing. "I am sure the public will have been shocked to learn of the developments on the island on Desert Island Discs. Let me assure you that we are doing our utmost to rescue the celebrities, including John Cleese, still marooned on the island."
Several commentators have noted that most of the celebrities who've appeared on the show are safe and well, and will attest to never having beeen aware of an actual island, but the BBC insists a timely and costly rescue operation is needed. An appeal is currently being aired every week night after The One Show asking for funds to search for Trevor Nunn's haggard, sand-shocked corpse strewn awkwardly in a shallow rock-pool being gnawed at by crustaceans. Mary Berry and several other notable guests have protested the 'blatant intrusion' and 'scare-mongering' carried out by the corporation. "We are perfectly fine, I am absolutely aghast at the way this very costly public campaign has been carried out. I appeared on the show years ago and never visited any island, and now I keep receiving texts from my friends and Paul Hollywood asking if i'm OK because they've seen some emotional appeal on the London Underground. This needs to stop!" Berry exclaimed.
However, a handful of former guests have expressed delight that the BBC are finally taking notice of their plight and think the issue needs to be brought to the fore. Naturalist Chris Packham is 'in two minds' over the existence of the island, but thinks the wider issue of climate change should be the focus. "The truth is, in the next 50 years or so, there will be areas on our planet which are now heavily populated that will become too hot for Human civilisation. The politicians do not seem to understand this and even if they did, I fear it is too late, what's happened on the island from Desert Island Discs is terrifying, utterly terrifying, but it is merely foreshadowing a much larger problem that may come to define the 21st century. Think of the migrant crises of the last 10 years, people fleeing violence and terrorism which then gives rise to far-right nationalism and xenophobia. Think of that but ten times worst, people will be forced to leave their own countries with their families because they are simply unsustainable to live in, they'll be unable to grow food, unable to have access to water. This is a crisis, a slow-burning, no pun intended, crisis, and the Desert Island Discs island is just chapter one."
Labour leader Keir Starmer has said he supports Packham's message, but is bewildered by the existence of an actual island. "I've listened to DID for years, and rather enjoyed it, but I would have enjoyed it far less if I knew the guests actually had to be cast away. I think, among other things, this crisis shows the extent to which the Tory austerity of the last ten years has stripped away the BBC's capacity to safely handle a hypothetical concept without resorting to literal-minded programming. Under a Labour government, concepts such as these will be backed consistently, and metaphors won't be forced to somehow flourish into reality. This is fucking ridiculous. Just make me prime minister already."
Andrew Neil of GB News has called the situation a 'scathing indictment of BBC scare-mongering and climate change virtue-signalling', but footage recently released showed Neil being lifted from treacherous waters into a dinghy full of former DID guests, which may serve as a smoking gun with which to silence critics calling the crisis 'fake'.
The general public are unsure whether to believe that this is a BBC propaganda campaign, or a genuine cry for help from hundreds of beloved British public figures. Martha Hills of Guildford doesn't know what to believe. "When celebrities are involved, the water becomes murky, murky I tells' ya'! I have no idea what to believe, are there people out there who need our help escaping from an island too hot for Human habitation? Or is this some elaborate metaphor with an underlying cynicism? Or maybe it's satire? Is this satire? Is that what this is? What's the deal with Lucy Worsley's uncle? Why is he included in this? I don't know. Honestly, i'm not all that bothered personally, i'm just glad England are in the final of a major tournament, and that we can hug our family again."
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