The Northeast African nation of Sudan has experienced an unprecedented economic boost as a result of wealthy international businesspeople mistakenly purchasing the country's furniture whilst looking for the much sought after Sedan chair. Sedan chairs are currently 'in vogue' due to the worldwide COVID-19 pandemic. many wealthy commuters in busy cities such as London and New York are opting to eschew public transport and even their own cars for fear of contracting the virus. The Sedan chair, introduced to London in 1634 by Sir Saunders Duncombe, consists of a seat inside a cabin, attached to two wooden poles carried by 'chairmen', who don't require a wage.
It is believed that transporting oneself via a Sedan chair will help avoid coming into contact with the germ-infested, excrement-laden streets of filthy London and other cities of ill repute. Marion Balsworthy, a fashion designer from London Bayswater agrees with this assessment. "It's become a deathtrap to even walk the streets of London in recent months. These chairs might seem quaint and old-fashioned, but they're actually very practical if one thinks about it, and one needn't pay a penny!"
Despite the chairs' popularity amongst the more affluent London residents, there have been complaints aired by some that the chairs are a symbol of class privilege and snobbishness. Last Tuesday, NUCP (National Union of Chair Persons) announced they'd be taking legal action against their clients for refusing to pay them a wage. Arnold Parsons, General Secretary of the NUCP, described the move as 'necessary' and 'the decent thing to do'.
"Chair-carrying is back breaking work! And these rich toffs aren't even paying us a penny! It's very convenient for them having us carry them around, but we're still having to work in an unsafe environment. We've also had a torrent of abuse thrown at us! One lad was called a 'scab' the other day! I've been called a 'muck-shifter', a 'prole', a 'pleb with bunny ears', an 'Orwellian wank weasel', a 'Bolshie two-faced Northern goblin', a 'Corbyn-worshipping parasitic redneck scrounger King'. What does that even mean?"
But despite it being a common sight for flaneurs wandering the streets of Kensington and Chelsea to see men and women of high standing being carried round in extravagant and decorated chairs, the industry has a glaring issue on it's hands. Carol Blanchard, CEO of 'COVIDCARS', one of the leading Sedan chair companies, has written in the London Evening Benchmark that, "People have accidentally been buying pretty standard plastic chairs from companies in Sudan". The story, which made the publication's front page on Tuesday morning, is likely to spark a huge reaction from the government, who rely on companies like 'COVIDCARS' doing business on UK shores.
Today, the Business Secretary, Alok Sharma, announced plans to wage 'all out war' against the North African country. "It has become apparent that our two nations have developed quite a fractured relationship, and as we are all adults and want to come to a sensible agreement, we felt we had no choice but to invade and conquer. The British people deserve to sit on British chairs, in British rooms, in British houses. Me and Mr. Johnson have no doubt that the British people will support us in this British endeavour. Guns out, lads!"
In a move that is likely to cause increased tension in the international community, the UK government announced that it would not heed the advice of the UN and halt their fire till a more diplomatic route could be discerned. "I rang Boris this afternoon" said Francois Laurent, UN General Secretary of Diplomatic Extra-Marital Affairs, "He was adamant that this was the only way forward for Britain, he was clearly chewing something as well, and I'm pretty sure I heard him suck some jam off the end of his fingers, it was uncomfortable for me and my staff".
Labour Party leader and leader of the opposition Sir Keir Starmer called the move "necessary". "If this is what the Government want, I will support them 100%". Starmer's comments caused outrage among some Labour members, who branded Starmer an 'appeaser' to Government barbarism and imperialism. Starmer responded by explaining his 'impossible position' in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic, he stated that he is unable to oppose Government policy for fear of destabilising the country and opening 'Pandora's despatch box' which Starmer claimed to find amusing.
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