Jacob Rees-Mogg "In Good Health" After Being Kidnapped by Young Tories

Jacob Rees-Mogg “feared for his life” after being kidnapped by a troop of young Tories, taken to a house in the middle of nowhere and tied to a bed. 

The controversial politician, 56, eventually managed to escape uninjured, apart from one shattered leg. The Conservative Party have today announced an inquiry into the kidnapping, with Kemi Badenoch also announcing plans to vet future Young Conservative members for signs of "excessive and manic devotion to key Conservative figures from the 2010-2024 governments". 

Rees-Mogg is particularly popular among younger Tories who admire his intellect and believe he's a throwback to a more desirable and aesthetically-pleasing era of British life. 

Milo Pimms-Breeding, an Eton graduate and current treasurer of the Cambridge University 19th Century Tory Cosplaying Society, is believed to be the ringleader of the group who lured the politician to an abandoned hut in a remote forest glade and brutalised his leg with a massive hammer. 

The Society put out a statement on Tuesday:

"We do not endorse the kidnapping of key Conservative figures from the 2010-2024 governments. Our members can admittedly be a little over-zealous, and perhaps have the propensity to be idolatrous, hammy shits, but our society serves the purpose of celebrating an era of British political history that we hope shall return someday. A romantic era of Toryism, of restraint, prudence, moral strictness, tight corsets and austere portraits, of verbose speeches, devotion to the true faith, stifled sexual self-awareness and a fondness for the works of Thomas Carlyle."

Rees-Mogg, who in the past has devoted a lot of time to meeting and providing guidance to his young followers, has stated he will only now talk to young Tories behind a window of shatter-proof glass, as a precautionary measure in case his other leg is shattered by a hammer. Conservative Party Chairman Kevin Hollinrake has announced funds will be made available to create a sophisticated glass pod for Rees-Mogg to be carried around in by party workers at the next Conservative Party Conference.