GB News Will Feature a Show Called 'Wokewatch'- Muriel Sticks

This is not a parody article, they're actually doing that. 

The demand for 'anti-woke' content will prove very lucrative to Andrew Neil and co. $$$

I would include a joke, but comedy is dead, it's been euthanised.

They'll be lapping it up. 

We'll be reading the wonderful works of James Baldwin, Maya Angelou & Toni Morrison. 

Nothing will change, the so-called 'culture war' will whimper on. 

I'm Muriel Sticks, may the Duke of Edinburgh rest in peace or whatever. 

Betting Odds for Wokewatch Presenter

Laurence Fox 2/1 

Another Fucking Cunt 10/1

Princess Eugenie and Jack Brooksbank's 'Tell-All' Interview With Oprah Winfrey Went Unreported By all Major News Sources

Amidst the media furore surrounding Meghan and Prince Harry's explosive interview with Oprah Winfrey late last month, another royal couple were also planning to cause quite the stir. News, News, News, News can exclusively reveal that Princess Eugenie, daughter of Prince Andrew and Sarah Ferguson, and her relatively new husband Jack Brooksbank, also gave a prime time interview with Winfrey in the US last month. 

The reason you, the reader, probably knew nothing about this interview is down to the fact that NNNN is the first major news source to report it. The reason for this remains unclear, although there are murmurs that many of the major newspapers around the world deemed Jack and Eugenie less bankable than Meghan and Harry, therefore refusing to cover their interview. 

NNNN's royal correspondent Lurpac De Moine received this bombshell-adjacent news when one of Brooksbank's representatives phoned him to ask why people weren't talking about their interview. De Moine was utterly aghast and confused, "Well, I hadn't heard about it. I was busy looking through Meghan's second cousin once-removed's garbage cans in Cancun looking for potential material for a story, I wasn't paying attention to the minor royals, who is? Perverts, obsessed fans, pedants & satirists, no one serious." 

De Moine was then told by the minor royal's representatives to inform the higher powers at NNNN, and after the editor returned from their annual trip to Bohemian Grove, permission was given to write this exclusive article. 

"I just cannot believe such a huge news story would pass by unnoticed" De Moine told us, "I realise Meghan and Harry are obviously going to be the centre of attention, or 'center' of attention, as Meghan would say (blasted Yanks). But still, no matter how obscure Jack and Eugenie are, them giving a soul-searching, explosive, controversy-laden interview with Oprah Winfrey is pretty important news. Even Piers Morgan didn't tweet about it, that must have been a real slap in the face for the couple, Morgan has his finger on the pulse of the average Brit more than any other media figure". 

In the interview, which is available online, albeit after a taxing, hour-long search, Jack and Eugenie describe the appalling racism they encountered on a grouse-hunting trip with a certain 'senior member' of the Royal family. 

"This 'member' shot a grouse from out the sky" recalled Eugenie, "then leant over to me and said "It's a shame, my girl, that these blackamoors and Chinamen cannot fly, otherwise we'd be able to shoot them instead of the birds!" 

"He also took my husband aside on Christmas eve and took him to a secret room in Balmoral where he keeps all kinds of racist memorabilia such as a Lord Haw-Haw scarecrow, an Oswald Mosley tea cosy, a trombone with Enoch Powell's Rivers of Blood speech inscribed on the horn, a Strom Thurmond mini-fridge packed with mini chocolate Klan hats, a fairground fortune teller machine with Joseph Goebbels spouting Nazi propaganda for 1d, a Tommy Robinson windbreaker, an ice sculpture of Liam Neeson attacking a black man, Katie Hopkins yoga mats, extra strong apartheid mints, a model of the Lincoln Memorial but with Robert E. Lee, a dozen live 1970s-era skinhead football hooligans and Donald Trump Jr.'s book 'Triggered: How the Left Thrives on Hate and Wants to Silence Us". 

"My husband was traumatised by what he saw and immediately told me that he wanted to leave. We then felt completely ashamed and confused and angry, but most of all, scared. How could we stand up to this? It's the British royal family, 'the firm', 'the Windsor Headhunters', one cannot simply leave this family but this is what we decided to do. Turns out Meghan and Harry got there first."

The couple decided to contact Winfrey as they needed an experienced and compassionate interviewer more than anything else, and Piers Morgan was too busy tweeting about Meghan Markle's perceived vanity. 

"Oprah was amazing! She agreed to interview us, but did not tell us that she was also interviewing Harry and Meghan. We thought we'd cause quite an intense national conversation, so it was quite a shock when no major newspaper covered our interview".

De Moine, who is still being inundated by calls from the tabloids asking about the Queen's state of mind, is indifferent to the minor royals' interview, "Look, British Royalists/Conservatives only have a limited reserve of spite and anger, most of that was directed at Meghan and Harry. Throw Eugenie and Brooksbank into the mix, it becomes almost an overload of treason. A lot of bad stuff can happen and slip under the radar when ordinary folk are up in arms about something completely irrelevant. Matt Hancock, anyone?"

Britain's reaction to the Meghan and Harry interview is said to expose generational divides between older royalists, who favour tradition, subordination and the Queen, and younger roundheads, who are capable of empathy and understand what racism is. 

The interview was broadcast on Howard Hughes' little known network the Hughes Network in the US, but the programme gained only 300 viewers, mainly due to the fact that the Hughes Network is only available in a small fishing community in Alaska. Bill Hughes, a local fisherman in Nor'easterville, Alaska, shared his thoughts on the programme with NNNN. 

"Well, I'd just caught a 20Ib pike, so anything else that happened that day was guaranteed to be anti-climactic. Look, Mr Newspaperman, we don't get much television round these parts, and we consider that a good thing. We work and toil and fish and struggle and sweat every day, then this young, rich British couple are shown on our screens all made-up and looking a billion dollars, excuse us if we don't give a damn about it. Though I will say this, that Prince Phillip sounds like a racist moron, and you just know it's Phillip, don't you? 'Senior member' my ass, it's definitely Phillip. But other than that, we don't care, now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to make love to my wife, I caught a 20Ib Halibut earlier, that son of a bitch has made my year, so you betcha' i'm celebrating". 

NNNN asked Buckingham Palace for comment, but only received a voicemail advertising Prince Andrew's Hampton Court Palace laser tag tournament hosted by Lucy Worsley.

Dear Eileen: I Have a Sharp Kettle Chip Lodged in my Trachea, What Action Should I Take to Rid My Internal Plumbing of This Unwelcome Guest?

My name is (fmr) Sister Eileen Kirkup. I am 76 years old and I am a lapsed nun. I enjoy shrimping and baking.

This week's question comes from Alison in Peterborough. Alison Asks, "Dear Eileen, I have a sharp kettle chip lodged in my trachea, what action should I undertake to rid my internal plumbing of this unwelcome guest?"

My Child,

Before I give you advice pertaining to your urgent and very frightening medical emergency, I feel it's my duty to first of all provide a little backstory to my life and my understanding of the medical profession. Whilst training to be a nun at the Royal Military Academy, Sandhurst, a frightful incident occurred to the young boys training in the firing range. Many of the poor souls were injured and we sisters were tasked with stitching up their wounds and bringing them porridge, Rustler magazines and PG Tips. 

It was while caring for a lovely young chap named Edward, who'd been shot thrice in his abdomen, that I had an epiphany: I am destined to be a nurse!

Now, at that point, I was already deep into my nun training. I was sharing this 3-bedroom flat with Sisters Yvonne and Clara, still close, close friends of mine, and life was pretty much sorted out for me. We'd be nurses for 70 years, before retiring in our late 90s. We'd then proceed to travel the World spreading the word of God in deprived, poverty-stricken areas, telling them to avoid condoms etc. We had it all planned out, good heavens, how romantic and bursting with life the young mind is! Such big ambitions, it seemed so simple, my child, but, as the saying goes, 'try telling God your plans and he laughs'. 

But the responsibility of nursing, the nuances of the role, the sense of importance and the sense of duty, it quickly became addictive. This was how I wanted to help others. It was, quite simply, the coolest thing i'd ever experienced. And I wanted to be the best nurse that I could be. This was my duty now, not nunning. 

Of course, my child, the elder sisters would not have it. I spent 3 months in 'pandemonium', which, to explain it basically, was a giant, wooden, spherical machine which functioned like a washing machine. One was placed in it, along with piles of dirty nun clothing and the odd scorpion, and two sisters would manually push the unfortunate sinner around until ye can bear no more, no more, no more, please sisters! No more! I beg of you! &^&$%*!!

Sorry about that, my child, this particular article is bringing back vicious memories. In truth, I was one of the lucky ones. Many young women I knew suffered such unbearable darkness, such malign, wretched sorrow. It was a rotten experience, but one which takes up a large part of the needlework in the tapestry of my life. One cannot just burn that portion of the tapestry, even if one, on occasion, stands beside said tapestry holding a candle, tempting oneself to let the candle inch dangerously close to the material, which gives one a palpable sense of excitement which perplexes one. One cannot just 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind' away portions of their lives, no matter how convenient and comforting such an act would be. I love that film, my child, Kate Winslet's character is my 'spirit animal' as you youngsters would say. 

I became a Nun, my child. And I was good at it. I was honest, true to my fellow sisters, to my fellow man and, of course, to God. But several crises, which I shall have to go into in a later column, forced my exit from that life. I did eventually become a nurse though, my child, when I was living in Mexico in the 90s. Not for a public hospital, but rather for another organised group of individuals who often got tangled up in all sorts of violence, and needed their own medics. I was only too happy to help, though, as you can imagine, my child, one is not allowed to divulge much. 

So, my child, you can trust me when it comes to medical expertise, you needn't worry about that. You've come to the right person, and I would very much like to assist you in your hour of need! So, let me see.. kettle chip lodged in your trachea.. oh my! Well, my child, It looks like i've been terribly foolish. I've been waffling on about my medical experience whilst you've been choking and spluttering about, gasping for air!

Well, my child, I must apologise for my incessant proselytizing, it may have proved fatal for you. Still, my child, at least the kettle chip is no longer a problem!

Yours Truly,

Eileen

Margaret Thatcher's Consciousness to be Uploaded to the Sun in the UK

Former prime minister Margaret Thatcher, Britain's first female prime minister and perhaps the most universally adored public figure from the past century, will have her consciousness uploaded to the British sun in a project announced by the Conservative Party this morning. 

The project, which has been kept top secret for 8 years since Thatcher's death in 2013, will cost the taxpayer in excess of £800 billion, and will require a new 'Thatcher tax' to keep the Iron Lady gleefully beaming down on us from the sky. 

As mentioned before, News, News, News, News does not possess a sufficient amount of scientific know-how, and knows next to nothing about artificial intelligence, computationalism, sentience, physics, consciousness or neuroscience, but, needless to say, the science involved in this procedure is very clever indeed.

Ever since the trail-blazing prime minister died in April 2013, the science wing of CPHQ (Conservative Party HQ) has stored Mrs Thatcher's brain in freezing cold temperatures. Despite requests by several leading scientists to transform her body into a Minotaur, her most ardent supporters within the party managed to keep hold of her. The PM at the time, David Cameron, gave the go ahead on the top secret project, and has said today that he's 'chuffed to bits' that it's finally come to fruition. 

"Well, I think many people will be delighted to learn that Mrs Thatcher will be making a return to British public life in a way no prime minister ever has. I've kept this secret for almost 8 years, and I will admit, it's been pretty hard to do so! But, finally we'll be able to look up into the sky and marvel at this truly remarkable woman. Let this be our gift to you, the great British public! Hazaar!"

According to reports, Mrs Thatcher's face will be visible on the sun during daylight hours, including her iconic hair and much-maligned nose. The iron lady will be able to speak also. In a press release this morning it was confirmed that she'll also sing. 

"Mrs Thatcher's voice is iconic, it is, one might say, the voice of the nation. Mrs Thatcher will sing her heart out each and every day. At dawn, she'll break in to a marvelous rendition of 'Ave Maria', at luncheon she'll perform a spine-tingling version of 'Jerusalem', 'Zadok the Priest' will be our early afternoon treat and 'Read All About It' by Emeli Sande will be her evening performance."

It is not yet known how often Mrs Thatcher will speak during daytime hours, but several pundits have suggested that, despite being invisible, she'll also be able to speak at nighttime. Jacob Rees-Mogg privately told colleagues that she'll bark her infamous words "No! No! No!" on a continuous loop during the night. These three words send quivers of halcyonic calm through every Briton's spine, and is expected to cool the raging tempers of those who wish to disobey the British state. 

Thatcher performing the infamous 'Tory Haka' at the party conference in 1981. 

It's also being reported that Mrs Thatcher will bellow out many more of her famous sayings, such as "The lady's not for turning!", "it may be the cock that grows, but it is the hen that lays the eggs" and "Yet I do fear thy school, it is too full o' the milk of human kindness to catch the nearest way".

Current PM, Boris Johnson has hailed the project as an example of 'supreme British ingenuity' and 'patriotic, capitalist energy'. "I think I speak for everyone in the country when I say how happy I am to welcome Mrs Thatcher back into daily life. I remember when I was a student visiting Downing Street when Margaret was in power, I shook hands with the woman and haven't washed it since. I was shaking hands with COVID patients on the 3rd of March last year, and they were delighted to receive some authentic, Thatcherite, privatised, free market DNA. Hazaar!"

The new initiative will "calm, soothe and subdue the fiery passions of Britain's noisy troublemakers", according to the Conservative Party press release. Said troublemakers, including those currently protesting the government's new policing bill, have accepted that Mrs Thatcher's presence will bring compliance and order. Leader of the opposition, Keir Starmer said in a statement, "This isn't the exact route I would take personally, but if it's what the government want, I will support them fully in their endeavours. Mrs Thatcher was an inspiration to many young woman, on the left, the right, and most importantly, the centre ground, which I have 'marked' as my territory. Hazaar!"

"Everything will be OK" Johnson assured the British public, "Maggie is back! She is watching over us, literally! Her dulcet tones will see us through crisis after crisis, her lungs will fill the sky with great big, bustling, bombastic, brutish, brilliant clouds of good old-fashioned steely, British, bulldog, world-beating, bourgeois, patriotic, powerful resolve and inimitable wit and charm. I will not lie to you, I am getting an erection just thinking about it". 

There are whispers of some members of the public who are not supportive of this highly unusual endeavour, but News, News, News, News interviewed the entire UK population and found no one willing to speak out against it. One older woman did crack a joke, saying "Well, if she's being uploaded to the Sun, we won't see much of her with all this bad British weather! Ha! Ha!"

The Labour Party under Keir Starmer is reportedly in talks with former PMs Tony Blair and Gordon Brown over uploading their consciousness to every single one of Britain's blades of grass to counteract the Tories having Thatcher in the sky. 

The Liberal Democrats want Nick Clegg to be uploaded into the wind to be blown whichever way he chooses. 

The SNP were in talks with Nicola Sturgeon over her transcending into Scotland's waters, but, in a cruel twist of fate, Mrs Sturgeon is now in choppy political waters herself.

As for the remaining parties, the Brexit Party wants Nigel Farage in pork scratchings, the Green Party want Caroline Lucas in wind turbines and UKIP want Tommy Robinson to be King.